Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

[MissEDashwood19]

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

She's a nasty spiteful bitch ignoring a child, a member of her own family. Disgusting behaviour.

My SIL hates me too. You have my sympathy.

I avoid her unless unavoidable. I also don't bring my DC around her.

I hope that the children will spend time together at their grandparents. If I see any overt favouritism or unkindness from in-laws I will speak up and stop future visits.

My SIL's traumatic birth (wasn't properly monitored and baby was in serious trouble, if they had waited longer to deliver there would likely have been a very different outcome) and the fact the baby was in the NICU meant they are focusing their energies there - which I do understand. My birth was straightforward and baby had no issues.

My DH thinks his sister has mellowed since having her baby and it's up to him if he wants to pursue a relationship with her. My interactions and those of our children will remain minimal unless there's a huge change in her attitude towards them.

Mmm when time passes & her traumatic birth experience subsides I think she’ll return to form unfortunately. But you sound resolute & prepared to do what you have to do - just don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by her….leopards & spots & all that.

With tricky people that I have to interact with, I pretend to myself that the user manual has been lost, and it’s my job to re write it.

It takes it out of the personal and creates a sort of detached curiosity towards their behaviour.

I’m so busy working out what makes them tick that I forget to be offended.

She is just a horrible person. Avoid her, her child is likely to be the same as they will pick up her traits. Save yourself some agony and don’t speak to her again. If you are in company, smile and move away. There is no need for small talk.

Congratulations OP!

I'm sorry to say that by the sound of it, your SIL isn't your only problem. If either of my sisters or I ever pulled a similar stunt (arranging wedding on or around one of our due dates) they'd have had something to say about it and put a stop to it because the poor behaviour would have been so blatant.

Your husband really should have your back here and take his head out of the sand.

Yes, this will be the case. She has not got over the fact that she didn’t give her parents their first grand child and is desperately and nastily trying to get one over on you.

Ignore her. If I’d had that done to me I would not be organising any baby gifts. If your DH is convinced that she wasn’t being unpleasant then he can sort that out.

Honestly. My siblings have children. I'm genuinely not that bothered about them. Other people's kids don't really interest me. I'm sure they are lovely. But I have enough to deal with with my own and I am a teacher so deal with lots of others too.

I don't have the energy or inclination to engage massively

They are nice enough but I'm not over invested.