Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

[MissEDashwood19]

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

I say you watch and smile.

She'll be one of those people who loudly judge mums and come out with the "my child won't do that when I have them..." having no real idea about babies and toddlers...

Whatever the underlying cause, you won't get anywhere here. Be polite when you happen to see her, and give her absolutely zero headspace otherwise, for your own sake.

Sounds like she didn't like not being the centre of attention, possibly with her parents if they were doting on new DGC.

Be prepared for the new baby to be the most advanced, gifted child to ever walk gods green earth. I'd suggest you start preparing your non-plussed responses to her now as you'll be subjected to comparisons for years.

I've just read your update that she is a teacher...what does your husband think about her ignoring your child?

What a cow! YANBU. IMO your best way forward is to just disengage, have as little to do with her as possible and be civil and on friendly terms whilst mentally dismissing everything she does and says.

“OP why are you going out of your way to be 'kind ' to someone who ignores you and your child ?
Have a real think about that.... anyone who ignores a young child,deliberately, is a nasty piece of work.”

^This.

My DH was very hurt by it and thought it might be because something was going on with his sister, like her DP didn't want kids.

SIL is in her late thirties and a fair bit older than DH and me, so my DH has also suggested she might be annoyed he had a child before her.

DH asked SIL to be DC's Godmother over my head as he desperately wanted SIL to show an interest as she generally likes children, just not ours!

From your updates she's jealous.

Ps: my SIL sounds just like yours. What winds her up no end is when we (DH and I) spend time alone with PIL. She flips out whining and complaining why she is being excluded even though she is 42 and get 95% of PILs attention.
we are unable to arrange a simple lunch or dinner with PIL without SIL having tantrums.
Suggest you try this. It gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling inside knowing SIL is flying off the rails when we (DH and I) attempt nurture individual relationship with PILs.

"my DH has also suggested she might be annoyed he had a child before her"

In my experience you can't win with people like this. It's so petty and illogical you can never actually discuss it with them but they silently seethe and make little digs that in isolation can be explained away, because they are so bitter that you've won some perceived competition that exists only in their head. She will definitely be comparing your baby unfavourably to hers

DH asked SIL to be DC's Godmother over my head as he desperately wanted SIL to show an interest

Oh dear.

Trying to appease her by offering up your child!

As a pp put-be prepared for your kids to take second place to hers in the GC stakes.

This is something I worry about. She has already made quite a few comments that suggest this will be the case.

My DC adores her grandparents (PIL) and has a very close relationship with them, so I hope DC will be gaining a cousin and not losing grandparents as SIL can be quite demanding.

It upset me at the time as SIL has never shown any interest and still doesn't. I also have siblings who I may have wanted to ask. As it is my best friend is also DC's Godmother and shows DC a lot of kindness.

I think DH fears this as he has already said he hopes SIL doesn't have the same sex as our first born. As it is, SIL will have a baby that's the same sex as one of our children and DH said he worries about comparisons. SIL is set on having a little girl, but doesn't know the sex.

I'm sorry, but ignoring a child who is saying hello to you is not "not knowing how to be around children", it's downright rudeness.

Well the only redeeming feature I can think of was that maybe talking about how easily she conceived was out of relief having seen what you had gone through but otherwise she sounds like a snake-in-the-grass type who is trying to build up her importance in the family as pp have said. However, she can only wind you up if you let her. Be civil and polite when you have to be in contact but otherwise don’t give her the satisfaction of engaging.

is it her first child? If yes then I reckon she struggled conceiving too but hasn’t been honest. I think she she might be envious of you somehow or she has insecurities because people happy in themselves wouldn’t try and make others feel inferior. Xx

No, he doesn't but he then tries harder to be sensitive to his sister or "find" reasons for the behaviour. It's just really strange given she seems to like other children being a teacher and surrounding herself with godchildren.

Yes, first child. Just seems strange as she also told other family members how easy it was for her to conceive, so clearly wants everyone to know this information. I don't think she'd lie about something like that.

Yeah, she's just a Class A bitch, OP.

She is being unreasonable but that does not really help you knowing that unless you just appreciate that she is being unreasonable and appreciate it is her problem and distance yourself from her! You can’t do anything to change the situation and just about any reaction will enflame it, and allow her to play victim!

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here. I felt her comments (and the way she delivered them - seemingly looking for me to get upset) coupled with her behaviour towards my DC was "off" and deliberately unkind, but my DH seemingly can't see anything wrong in her comments.

Although, he was very upset about her treatment of DC and was the first to comment on it and then try desperately to change SIL's behaviour by inviting her to be Godmother.

As an aside, my sister is super-fertile and conceived all of her children very quickly but she has never "bragged" about it, it has just come up in conversation.

Like you, she also struggled very badly from PND with her first child after getting pregnant on her first cycle and believes the speed of the pregnancy played a role in it.

That's a nasty dig. Sounds like she doesn't like you and is keeping her distance, I think I'd do the same .

She sounds like a jealous cow. She's sure she's not going to have any intervention? Good luck with that!

Your dh is desperately clinging to the path of last resistance as he likely doesn't want to upset the family dynamic that sil gets what sil wants and her point of view is Right.
If he truly can't see what a horrid person she is being it is wilful blindness because whatever way you slice and dice this she's behaved dreadfully and telling you you're reading her wrong or overreacting is gas-lighting to keep the peace imo (consciously or sub-consciously)

I think you're dh is a bunny in headlights and deep down knows there is no diplomatic way out of this, so is turning a (partial) blind eye in the hope that she snaps out of it and the problem goes away. Which is understandable if not admirable.
I think you need to talk to him and come up with strategies to manage the effect on your dc for scenarios that look likely from this distance.
Decide your boundaries between you.
This issue has the potential to become a rift between you and dh so you need to agree what is acceptable and what your joint response is. So if she's being covertly rude you choose civil polite veneer. If she actively disadvantages your dc by coming between her and the dgp you create some distance and keep her at arms length etc... Discussing it now will be preferable to arguing about it reactively.

She sounds like someone who is jealous, spiteful and unkind. You owe this woman nothing and if you don't need to see her unless it's a family gathering, then don't. You don't need people like this in your life.