Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

[MissEDashwood19]

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

Another Zombie thread.

This is a thread from AUGUST 2022.

I think the OP and her nasty SIL have had their children by now.

@MissEDashwood19 - hope you're having a lovely time and everything went well for you.

Can i ask what if any, your pil's response to this has been?

As for your dh, has he spoken to his sister about this? Not that i think it would have made any difference. Him asking her to be godmother after the way shes treated your child will have backfired on him badly. She will now think theres absolutely nothing wrong with her behaviour.

I do get why he did this, when you want a relationship with a sibling badly you will try to appease them, make them feel special in the hopes things will change. Sadly it doesn't, just makes them think they aren't doing anything wrong.

If your pil are aware and have done nothing then prepare for it to carry on and possibly get worse with them favouring her children.

Maybe you could speak to them and they can see your children separately.

OP,

Just because your weak spineless husband bends himself out of shape excusing his sisters nastiness towards you, doesn't mean you have to.

Of course she was having a nasty dig.

You poor woman having gone through so much and with a man so weak as to excuse such nastiness.

That he went over your head with the god mother honour is unforgivable.

Your child has a god mother who doesn't like her and ignores her because of him and his neediness.......so unattractive.

I would absolutely be dropping the rope and I think you need to harden up a lot concerning your husband.

He doesn't have your back, is disloyal and I wouldn't be having it.

The next time she is rude to your child I would be suggesting you appoint someone else as god mother.

Stop being nice, stop being selfless and forgiving of this bullshit.

Step away from her and enjoy your own family.

You deserve much better than your husband.

@catandcoffee

WHY DID YOU RESURRECT A ZOMBIE THREAD?

🙄so annoying these zombie threads.

Why are you @ me ?
I wouldn't call a thread that's 6 months old a Zombie thread.
And why on earth are you bothered ?

Thank you for your kind messages. We have both had our babies.

My SIL ended up having an EMCS, but her baby is doing well.

Unfortunately, the comparisons have inevitably started and demands I visit her newborn immediately despite having a baby only a few weeks older and a toddler at home. SIL also scheduled her wedding for my due date and excluded my DH (her brother) which was all quite odd.

What have your pil said/done?

And ur dh?

MIL kept asking if I had been over to see my SIL's baby (literally the week she was home from the hospital).

My DH went alone and brought some gifts, a card, and clothes from us (baby was very small and she had no premie and newborn sized clothing). This still wasn't good enough.

I didn't want to go and visit a small baby who had been in the NICU with my toddler who goes to nursery twice a week as I was worried about germs (particularly RSV, which one of my DN's had as a baby) and I had/have an EBF baby too. My MIL acted as if this was unreasonable.

I have since visited her baby and made a big fuss of him as these absurd adult relationships shouldn't affect the children IMO.

I was, however, very upset my SIL arranged her wedding on my due date as it would mean my DC wouldn't be able to go to grandparents if I went into labour. I found that extremely weird behaviour as she had nine months before her baby was born to get married.

Wow SIL is next level. I’d want to NC with her even if it means your DC don’t get see their cousins growing up etc. The sabotaging, competition, divisive behaviour will only continue. She’s got problems.

Terrified to say anything as it was early days. Just in case something goes wrong.

Nothing odd about it.

She's nasty.

Your husband is weak and needy.

Your in laws need to be told mind their own business.

Do not engage with people telling you what to do.

You are an adult but don't seem to realise it.

Tell your MIL to back off.

Your whole family dynamic is so off and unhealthy.

Fawning over a nasty woman is not normal nor healthy.

Far better to step away from such toxicity and protect your poor child from this awful woman who is so comfortable being nasty to a child.

Protect your children from this.

So she had a c section and the baby was a boy? 🙃
Honestly, just detach and make other arrangements for times you would usually rely on your PILs. Your SIL is usually their number one golden child and now she has provided them with a grandchild she is back on top. I would find it hard not to call
her out for being so demanding after showing so little interest in your children but it would probably serve you better just to keep quiet and not give any big reactions to her behaviour.

Why do people say someone must be jealous simply because theyre disinterested or disagrees with you?

Her wedding cemented things for me tbh. She either wanted to overshadow our child's birth or use the timing to exclude her brother. What really upset me was the fact that we then had nobody local to watch my DC1, thankfully another local family member volunteered.

In the end this contributed to me asking for an induction as I hated the idea of DC1 being stressed.

You're absolutely right. My DC1 has two godmothers - one is my best friend who is fabulous and definitely compensates for SIL.

My DH ties himself in knots trying to maintain that relationship and prefers to turn a blind eye to his sister's behaviour.

My DC1 now goes two days to nursery, so we no longer need regular childcare from MIL. MIL is still free to see grandchildren whenever she wishes, but we have removed any dependency.

My DC2 is more or less ignored by my in-laws, but weirdly that has been nice as I get him all to myself. My DC1 benefits from being a girl and being very affectionate and loving, which means my MIL always wants her.

Congratulations to you!

I would be serving her with the same distain that she chose to show you, your DH (her sibling) and her niece the first time around.

Be very nonchalant when you're in her company and detach, detach, detach. By all means be polite in their company but I really wouldn't be any more involved in their lives than they were in yours.

Does your DH (her brother) have any feedback on what his sister is doing to him and his family? Has he mentioned it to her???

Sorry - just seeing that your DH ties himself in knots trying to get the approval from his sister and his parents.
I think there is a book that I've seen recommended about Toxic Parents and he really needs to read that book and try to implement the advice in it.

i had a friend who had twins. It took about 8 rounds of IvF to get there. i got pregnant with twins and i was really shocked. I went to her but she couldn't bring herself to talk about. Weeks later she did tell me that it was because of her struggle and i got pregnant very easily. She was great once i had them and helped me out so much.

She was hurt though and that's without me behaving like a spiteful cow. What an absolute horrible thing to say to you.

I appreciate I can be direct/harsh at times🙄, but I just have zero capacity to tolerate this type of bullshit most particularly if it would in any way impact one of MY children.

Your husbands neediness is not good and absolutely is compromising his children.

Your children need you, their sane parent to advocate for them.

By that I mean to be very firm with your husband that you will not tolerate your children being made little of around his toxic sister.

HE may not care about how she treats his children but YOU will not tolerate it from ANYONE in HIS family.

Children absorb so much more than we realise even when they have no language to explain it.

Watch out for overt favoritism between the babies as they grow, from MIL, it is so damaging.

Keep as much distance as you can from her, she is batshit and batshit people are unpredictable.

Only the most disordered minds are unkind to children.

I was going to say, could she be a bit jealous and shirty that you gave her parents their first grandchild and resents the attention given to the child. If so, how immature, insecure and pathetic to take it out on him/her. She sounds like a self-centred piece of work and she's probably trying to make herself feel better by distancing herself from your actions and decisions (some of course you had very little choice in with IVF etc). Most behaviour like that comes from jealousy and says far more about her than you. Try not to let her get you down.

I dint think she's being deliberately insensitive. Some people just don't think.

As for her not being interested in your children. Fair enough. I'm not particularly interested in other people's either

She sounds like a massive bitch and will be the bitch that will compare and compete. Stay away protect your children now. Keeping distance and not socialising or organising play dates will serve you well in your life. Just smile when you meet. She is beyond vile.

This is her god child and neice, hardly other people's children.

It won't be nice when DC2 notices that they're being excluded.

I wonder how long it will be before you're NC with the lot of them and what damage your husband's desperation to be part of that toxic family will do to your marriage.

However, many congratulations on the birth of DC2!