Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

[MissEDashwood19]

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

I think she maybe did struggle to conceive. How long has she been with her partner? Longer than you and your husband?

She may have struggled and was annoyed and jealous that you 'beat' her. Now she's trying to claim she had no issues at all.

But even if that's not the case, or if it is, she's still a bitch and needs to grow up.

Ignore her wait until she goes into labour she will probably be crying for everything going. 🤣🤣

Anyone who brags about fertility like this is a twat. Just a certain type of person, and nothing you say or do will change it.

She doing it intentionally to hurt you. There's clearly a lot of resentment and jealously on her part.

As hard as it is, i would just ignore her. Rise above it. You have your lovely children and focus on them.

It's likely yes that once her baby is born she will demand a lot of time from the grandparents but just keep making sure to book things in, like trips/lunches out with them. Or inviting them round.

It sounds nasty of her but I genuinely would try to rise above it.

Sometimes, people lie or exaggerate. Maybe she actually did struggle to conceive, or maybe she didn't like kids and didn't want any until she got pregnant.

Your main job is to protect your kids from any unpleasantness from her.

Maybe she is scared, of a problem in pregnancy, or anything else, and doesn't feel able to open up about things as you did.

Whatever it is, focus on you and your children and be the bigger person.

Congrats on the new baby and a new nephew or niece, a cousin for your kids

It does sound like she's the golden child in the family and hasn't enjoyed being replaced by a grandchild, your DC.

My DSIS can be a bit like this. I don't think it's necessarily malicious. But literally every time something goes down in my family for someone other than her, she has to have something happen with her. My mum finds it amusing TBH as do I. In all honesty, the dynamic between her and my DF is becoming boarderline weird. I keep my distance now and don't engage.

She sounds like an arsehole. Keep her at arms length.

She sounds extremely insecure and I’d imagine like many pregnancies/births/rasing of children she’ll have a whole load of things on the horizon to challenge her naive little plans.

She knows you won't confront her or strike back, that's why she did it. Shock her and confront her in front of the entire family

She sounds like a right nasty bitch and I would not bother with her at all. You have tried and she has been nasty. She knew what she was saying and wait until she has her baby and see will she need the pain relief. I had epidural as was in agony but had friends who boast about natural child birth. She did not show or does not show any respect or love to you or your child. Take a big step back from her.

Is she your husband's sister? what does he say and think of it all and does no one comment on how cold she is towards your child. Next step is do nothing and just be polite but do not go out of your way for her ever again. Get a present for baby when born but would not bother much with her at all. She sounds mental and just nasty.

This. We have somebody in our family who behaves similarly, to the point of throwing a “four and a half month birthday party”, complete with cake and presents, for their PFB on my DS’s 4th birthday and demanding the wider family attended that and not DS’s little family tea.

I’d expect your PIL to be monopolised every Christmas, and some sort of present wars (either demanding the moon on a stick for their DC, or getting yours absolutely nothing). And constant bragging. Try to rise above it, and see your PIL separately if you can.

She sounds petty and jealous. She may well have had a lot of insecurities about being late 30s and childless while her young brother had children. Just rise above it and don’t make a big deal out of it. She’s only your SIL, she isn’t your friend. All your relationship needs to be is civil and polite for the sake of your DH and his family. It doesn’t stand to benefit your DH if you get too invested or worked up over this relationship. She’s shown her true colours so just take a step back and only engage in polite conversation with her.

She sounds unpleasant and spiteful.

My own SIL while not spiteful was a bit ridiculous about it all. Pointed out she was absolutely not having an epidural as it's crap for the baby (obviously I had one) and once said she doesn't believe in C sections as it's not a birth it's a removal, like a parasite.

Imagine my delight last month when she had to have an emergency c section with epidural. Her and her parasite are doing just fine.

People are shit. Just disengage and realize their shittiness isn't your issue.

I think you need to keep your distance, and be prepared for the worst with your pil as they’ve obviously indulged her forever, in particular compared to your dh. I have one a bit like this, not at all spiteful but very needy and self centred. Pil don’t have much time because they are busy with her dc, couldn’t really visit my baby for months (still helped regularly with our other dc, it just always had to be their house so they could also have her dc) so I just stay away really and I feel zero obligation to preserve what I would usually consider basic standards - offer help etc, knowing she’s never put herself out for us in any way. We are quite busy so if Dh wanted to spend a day helping her I’d probably say I’ll be out that day - I won’t do a day of solo parenting so he can support her if I’m tired with children who don’t sleep and the house is a dump and I’m behind on work - her children get looked after every day, regular overnights, and she only works a few hours so i need my time to look after me and my family thanks.?

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Hmmmm. I suspect that maybe she had conception issues of her own and found your “sharing” distasteful.

I’d find what sounds like over-sharing to be rather distasteful. You seem to expect that your fertility and subsequent DC should be central to everyone else’s lives.

YABU

She wanted to have the attention of having the first grandchildren. That didn't happen so she basically hates you and your kids. She's trying to salvage the situation by inferring her kid will be better and more legit than yours because she conceived them 'better' and plans to birth them 'better'. She's basically insane and not worth another thought.

LuftBalloons Sharing a distressing situation with your nearest and dearest isn't an indication you expected your dc to be central to their lives or necessarily likely to be over-sharing to my mind. It is normal to turn to loved one's when you need some support.
SIL herself is saying conception was quick, why would she say that out of (this theoretical) distaste and not 'we were struggling to but don't make a habit of going round telling people' or similar. So I think you're projecting a bit here.

Well, she’s either thick or spiteful. Either way, she’s a bit of a prick.

Congrats on your successful IVF (currently pregnant with a little frosty 😊)

🙄

Her and her parasite are doing just fine

She's obviously quite a damaged (some would say spiteful) individual and as you've only every had negativity from her, draw a line under it now and reduce your contact as much as you possibly can. Expect nothing and give nothing.

Rise above it all, practise that tinkly laugh for when she comes out with nasty outrageous statements, We live our best lives when we remove people like her from our lives.

Your husband sounds weak - you need to become the person that he has to appease rather than her, so put your foot down and do not accept any attempts by him to pander to her.

Thank you for this! We weren't going around broadcasting our situation or desperately craving attention like PP suggested.

Both sets of parents kept mentioning grandchildren, so we disclosed our situation to them and to our siblings. We didn't discuss it at length only to say we were struggling to conceive and undergoing infertility treatment. I also had an operation, which would've been difficult to conceal from close family members. There was no attempt to be centre stage during this distressing time.

We didn't provide our immediate families with constant updates during our treatment and having been through infertility, I don't shove my child in people's faces or expect DC to be the centre of the universe.

My parents have a huge number of grandchildren, my PIL only have one so naturally they were very excited and focused on DC. We never pushed it.

Thank you so much! Congratulations to you too! 👏

This is what my best friend suggested she was doing. Implying that I was less of a woman as I couldn't conceive naturally and had an epidural and my children are less than because they're IVF babies.

I do think she was put out that my DC receives so much attention from her parents as my DH has never been a focus for them.

I honestly don't know. My husband and I have been together longer, but she's been with her DP for some time (about five years). I wonder if her DP was stalling about having children as I can't imagine she would lie about conceiving very easily.

She also quit working earlier this year before getting pregnant, but I don't know if that's connected.

My SIL has always been heavily assisted by her parents (house bought for her, her three horses and a new stable built and paid for, constant practical help and emotional support), so I don't know if she worries our DC may reduce this ongoing help.

My experience being in your SIL shoes:

I dislike my SIL simply because I was not allowed to celebrate my own first pregnancy (conceived naturally) because she was having trouble conceiving her SECOND child via IVF.

our MIL actually cried because she didn’t know how to break the news for her and we needed to wait for my 20weeks scan. This was because if there was something wrong with my baby I could terminate my pregnancy and never tell her I was actually pregnant.

I know it’s not her fault (or I presume so) but I can’t just go ahead and like her and her children now. I want her away from me and I avoid any contact. And yes I’ll go out of my way just to avoid her if I can. I think it might have some backstory that you perhaps are not aware of.