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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband took secret photos of my underwear

150 replies

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:29

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 15/08/2022 10:31

Well put your dirty underwear in the laundry basket and then you won't feel violated.

Does seem a bit juvenile to take pictures of your perceived misdemeanours though.
Is he always like that?

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 10:34

'Violated' because your DH took a picture of some crap you left lying around in the home you share with him? Really?

How is it an invasion of privacy if he lives with you? You're not keeping anything private if you're leaving it lying around the house where he can see it. If he was sharing the photos, that would be an invasion of privacy. If he was photographing you naked and in secret, without your consent, that would be violating. But taking photos of your grubby stuff you'd hadn't cleared up, in a home you share, to make the point that you are clearly not as tidy as you think you are? That's not remotely invasive or violating.

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 10:36

You left your dirty underwear out. hardly private was it?

DancingBeanstalk · 15/08/2022 10:37

YABVU. You have not been violated, don’t be so silly.

If you don’t like it, clear up after yourself.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/08/2022 10:38

Sounds like you are pissed off he has proved his point so looking for another way to discredit him

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 10:39

He is spying on you op. And gathering evidence. I would be considering who he intends to show these to. Solicitor? His family? Yours? Have a hard think about your future...

Onlyforcake · 15/08/2022 10:40

That is very weird behaviour actually. The evidence thing particularly alarm bell ringing. I bet he's taking them to share with someone else, building his "case" to justify whatever he is planning.

But obviously MNetters don't believe in boundaries when you live with someone.

Sunnyqueen · 15/08/2022 10:40

Sounds like your messier than you think you are if he's gone to those lengths. Tbf leaving dirty underwear lying around is pretty rank, you've left it fully in view of him what difference does it make him taking a picture of what he can already see? Violated? Do me a favour.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/08/2022 10:42

I duno. Sounds a bit like you've been caught out and are trying to come up with a hyperbolic reason which means he's in some way wrong.

I admit it sounds a bit ridiculous taking pictures but I thinka lot of people get a bit petty with our other halves when it comes to house work

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2022 10:42

His behaviour is petty and ridiculous. What was his point? It doesn't prove he 'does everything'.

What is he doing to discuss and address the actual problem?

BrimFullOfAsher · 15/08/2022 10:43

What was private about it for him to invade?

Where they not all out in the open anyway?

YellowandGreya · 15/08/2022 10:48

It was weird of him to take pictures of your underwear. Plus the other pics. If you feel violated that's how you feel. No one can say you don't feel that way. What is the 'evidence' for?

Decompressingmama3 · 15/08/2022 10:49

Yeah, I gotta agree. Leaving dirty underwear around is pretty rank.

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:54

Hands up. I admit it was a mistake to leave dirty underwear in the bedroom. But why not just mention it to me? Taking photos behind my back is very underhand.

And to put it in context, he has spoke about 'gathering evidence' against me before. For what? Good question. I guess I just don't trust him.

OP posts:
edenhills · 15/08/2022 10:55

This is really odd behaviour on his part. Gathering evidence against you. How long have you been together? Do you normally have a good relationship? I can be messy and if my husband did this in a joking way I wouldn't find it sinister,just annoying but it doesn't sound like it was done in a joking way. Also his evidence doesn't sound like much, one plate? One piece of underwear?

45hopperbunny · 15/08/2022 10:55

So nasty to leave dirty underwear around.

I got fed up of talking to ex dp (dp at the time) about not tidying up after himself that I had a folder in my pictures of all his antics around the house.

I’d take pictures of him leaving the fridge door wide open, not closing cupboards etc. May sound petty but when you keep pointing out something and it’s not changing then it gets annoying. If he had dirty underwear on the floor I would have taken a picture of that too!

edenhills · 15/08/2022 10:57

Decompressingmama3 · 15/08/2022 10:49

Yeah, I gotta agree. Leaving dirty underwear around is pretty rank.

They might have only been there one night. He could have picked them up and chucked them in the wash if he was that bothered.

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 10:58

YANBU. The normal way to adress issues like this would be for your husband to talk to you about it, not to creep around like a weirdo, collecting photographic evidence and storing it up to use against you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your collective household habits and how chores are shared, his behaviour is unpleasant and concerning. I'm very surprised so many posters think it's reasonable tbh.

TheRaindanceWorked · 15/08/2022 11:02

That's really strange behaviour to be gathering evidence like that. He's storing up misdemeanours to throw back at you, that's not healthy behaviour at all.

I discovered that my sister keeps notes of things people say to her if she thinks they're hurtful or insulting. Dates and everything. She threw one back at our brother, quoting date and time, when what he said was obviously a joke. I'm really wary of her now, but at least I don't have to live with her. I'd be very wary OP, if I were you.

silvercurls · 15/08/2022 11:02

devils advocate.......
has he mentioned your dirty ways before? have you denied you do things like leave dirty underwear lying around? maybe he took the photos as he is fed up of you not admitting to it?
( my OH snores SO loudly, but constantly said he didn't, and He couldn't possibly be waking me up....I recorded him, and he now has taken steps to remedy it)

Anniefrenchfry · 15/08/2022 11:04

I also agree this is odd as fuck. But why would you leave underwear that was visibly dirty out like that? Between you both you’re both weird.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/08/2022 11:04

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 10:39

He is spying on you op. And gathering evidence. I would be considering who he intends to show these to. Solicitor? His family? Yours? Have a hard think about your future...

Yep, I agree.

shazzybazzy34 · 15/08/2022 11:05

Really weird to take pics of your dirty underwear but leaving them there for full view is a bit gross. I would be very annoyed if my DH left his dirty jocks on the floor for me to see. Him having a pic of them on his phone is even worse though.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:07

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:54

Hands up. I admit it was a mistake to leave dirty underwear in the bedroom. But why not just mention it to me? Taking photos behind my back is very underhand.

And to put it in context, he has spoke about 'gathering evidence' against me before. For what? Good question. I guess I just don't trust him.

For what? Surely because he thinks you’re the sort of person to get upset about his mess, ignore your own then gaslight him by claiming that it never happened.

I’m the one in our house who wants everything perfect, and after complaining about a few bits and pieces to DH once he politely took me around showing the number of my things that were left out too. He was right, I’d somehow ignored them, presumably as I thought each had a decent reason to be out, just like he did with his.

bongsuhan · 15/08/2022 11:09

silvercurls · 15/08/2022 11:02

devils advocate.......
has he mentioned your dirty ways before? have you denied you do things like leave dirty underwear lying around? maybe he took the photos as he is fed up of you not admitting to it?
( my OH snores SO loudly, but constantly said he didn't, and He couldn't possibly be waking me up....I recorded him, and he now has taken steps to remedy it)

This!