Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband took secret photos of my underwear

150 replies

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:29

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

OP posts:
houseonthehill · 15/08/2022 11:09

Depends. Do you regularly bang on about his domestic failings whilst apparently being a bit of a scrote yourself? He may have become a bit weary of that, and so started collecting evidence that you're both pretty much the same (which is the best way to be, really).

yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2022 11:10

You and your husband are not a team. In his mind, arguments are not something to be resolved, but to be won. This is a very unhealthy dynamic.

Regardless of your "crime", I find it quite sinister that he feels a need to collect "evidence".

SunnyD44 · 15/08/2022 11:10

The fact that he feels he needs to gather evidence is a bigger issue than him actually taking the photos.

You sound a bit of a slob but surely he can just point that out to you instead of taking photos.

What are your arguments about?
You’ve said he’s spoken about gathering evidence before.

This is not a happy relationship.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/08/2022 11:11

How is him gathering evidence of something that IS happening any different to the many posters who are actively encouraged to gather evidence when they think something MAYBE happening including snooping on their partners phone?

edenhills · 15/08/2022 11:12

yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2022 11:10

You and your husband are not a team. In his mind, arguments are not something to be resolved, but to be won. This is a very unhealthy dynamic.

Regardless of your "crime", I find it quite sinister that he feels a need to collect "evidence".

This!

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:12

yellowsmileyface · 15/08/2022 11:10

You and your husband are not a team. In his mind, arguments are not something to be resolved, but to be won. This is a very unhealthy dynamic.

Regardless of your "crime", I find it quite sinister that he feels a need to collect "evidence".

Even if she makes a habit of leaving dirty pants out and then denying it happened?

I’d find it very hard to get past the idea of living with someone though thinks that soiled knickers go on the floor, not in the laundry, and who then just walks past them the next day.

The poor guy is likely at the end of his tether.

DillDanding · 15/08/2022 11:16

Lol at 'violated'.

Put your dirty underwear in the laundry.

TenoringBehind · 15/08/2022 11:16

Your behaviour is unpleasant but for him to use the phrase ‘gathering evidence’ is downright creepy and odd. Sounds like neither of you are happy together.

hattie43 · 15/08/2022 11:19

I think he's being really creepy tbh . Who on earth takes photos of their partners misdemeanours and for what purpose .
I'd hate to live in a home where a supposed trusted partner gathers ' evidence, against me . For what purpose ?

ddl1 · 15/08/2022 11:19

I think you are BU to see it as an invasion of privacy. The whole point was that you had left the underwear out in a room that you share, so he wasn't going into a private area just for you.

YANBU to be somewhat annoyed that he was scoring points in a seemingly rather petty way and especially using the phrase 'gathering evidence' - this isn't some big criminal court case! Though it does depend on the context, and what you had said to him.

Chocolack · 15/08/2022 11:21

As 'evidence' his photos are worthless, as he could have put the items there himself. Amazed to hear all this ewwwing about the idea of dirty knickers in a bedroom! Unless they were liberally smeared with shit, or left on the kitchen worktop, why shouldn't you leave your clothes wherever you like in your own house? He sounds like a dick, but no worse than many. Tell him not to be so pathetic.

InChocolateWeTrust · 15/08/2022 11:23

See I can't judge him because I had an ongoing dispute with DH about messiness and catalogued damning daily photo evidence of toothpaste lids, pants on floor, and beard trimmings all over the sink. Until I did so he stubbornly insisted he wasnt leaving it there!!

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:23

Chocolack · 15/08/2022 11:21

As 'evidence' his photos are worthless, as he could have put the items there himself. Amazed to hear all this ewwwing about the idea of dirty knickers in a bedroom! Unless they were liberally smeared with shit, or left on the kitchen worktop, why shouldn't you leave your clothes wherever you like in your own house? He sounds like a dick, but no worse than many. Tell him not to be so pathetic.

Tell me you live in a pig sty without telling me you live in a pig sty…

Sirius3030 · 15/08/2022 11:23

Yes, you are right, he is wrong. Because he is a man. Simples.

housemaus · 15/08/2022 11:25

Sounds like he's sick of you saying you do loads round the house when you don't, tbh.

FrippEnos · 15/08/2022 11:26

If you started it by saying how much you do and how little he has done tghen you have been caught out.

If he started it by saying that he is tired of picking up after you and you said that you don't leave anything lying about then you have bene caught out.

If you are denying that you are doing anything wrong how else is he going to prove it?

And if he were doing the same to you I am sure that the phrase "gaslighting" would have been thrown in the mix by now.

Anniefrenchfry · 15/08/2022 11:26

Tell me you live in a pig sty without telling me you live in a pig sty…

😂😂😂

REP22 · 15/08/2022 11:29

I feel sorry for him. It sounds like he is sad and defensive. Perhaps he felt that he had no option but to try and show you pictures to prove his point whilst you are shouting at him?

What are "all the household chores I do on a daily basis"? Flushing the toilet after you've been doesn't count.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 11:30

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:54

Hands up. I admit it was a mistake to leave dirty underwear in the bedroom. But why not just mention it to me? Taking photos behind my back is very underhand.

And to put it in context, he has spoke about 'gathering evidence' against me before. For what? Good question. I guess I just don't trust him.

Why take photos would be because it’s not a one off and a repeat and by the sounds of things you think you do a lot and he was proving it to you.

very rational reason, leaving dirty underwear around though is just lazy

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 15/08/2022 11:30

You said it yourself...he told you he was gathering evidence.

You were certainly not violated and you shouldn't be leaving dirty knickers lying around.

You don't sound like you like each other.

W0tnow · 15/08/2022 11:30

Rank? , nasty? Hands up those who haven’t kicked off their undies before jumping into bed, or the shower and forgotten to chuck them in the wash immediately. I doubt they were covered in blood or skidmarked. Blimey.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 11:31

Onlyforcake · 15/08/2022 10:40

That is very weird behaviour actually. The evidence thing particularly alarm bell ringing. I bet he's taking them to share with someone else, building his "case" to justify whatever he is planning.

But obviously MNetters don't believe in boundaries when you live with someone.

Unless there is a massive drip-feed back story to this, in which the OP reveals that her husband has form for behaving like he's in Sleeping With The Enemy or something, I think it's a lot more likely that he's fed-up with the OP telling him she's tidier than him and just wants to prove that she's being a hypocrite.

I think if it was the other way round, and the OP's DH was always telling her how tidy he is and does much more than her around the house, so she took a phone snap of his dirty plate and cutlery left out and his dirty pants that he leaves on the floor every day, people wouldn't be calling that a 'violation' or suspecting that she was going to share them with others or build a case that would require a solicitor.

Herejustforthisone · 15/08/2022 11:32

I could not live with the fear that every minor perceived ‘indiscretion’ would be photographed and later used as evidence against me. That’s fucked.

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:32

Just to clarify, I do not regularly leave underwear around the house. And if I do, just point it out to me and I will put it away. Resorting to taking photos is pathetic.

Also, I tend not to moan about his messiness. It is easier for me to keep quiet and tidy it away. Less hassle.

OP posts:
TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:32

W0tnow · 15/08/2022 11:30

Rank? , nasty? Hands up those who haven’t kicked off their undies before jumping into bed, or the shower and forgotten to chuck them in the wash immediately. I doubt they were covered in blood or skidmarked. Blimey.

No, never, and you are being disingenuous as it sounds as though they were left there the next morning too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread