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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband took secret photos of my underwear

150 replies

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:29

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

OP posts:
Vikinga · 15/08/2022 11:33

That's not really evidence though is it?

They could have been left there momentarily - eg I may chuck dirty clothes on the floor momentarily whilst cleaning my room but I have cleaned all downstairs on my own. Or cleaned and sorted one of the kids bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchen/fridge but I haven't gotten round to doing the whole house because I'm the only one doing it.

Op's husband may be tidied with his stuff because he doesn't do anything else.

And it is deliberately humiliating to take a picture of someone's dirty underwear yanbu op

urgen · 15/08/2022 11:34

How vile to leave dirty underwear around. I suspect you are messy generally and not thinking about how soiled underwear (yuk!) looks to your partner. Its horrible and very off putting to them.

However if you think you can live how you wish then carry on but if I saw dirty pants lying around from any one in the family I would consider it a lack of respect to me. How difficult is it to put them in the laundry basket?

And who on earth would be interested in pics of it?

mumda · 15/08/2022 11:35

I think if he's at the point where he's taking photos, he's has enough. Has he used post-it notes at any point?

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:35

This! I can't trust someone who sneaks around taking photos behind my back as evidence. It is weird and disturbing.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 15/08/2022 11:36

A dirty plate and some pants left momentarily and very occasionally lying around, being photographed and gathered as evidence, is really messed up. Those are not crimes. The OP herself cleans up after the H and doesn’t feel the need to build a case against him. It’s combative and bordering abusive behaviour, designed to keep her in line.

The po-faced ‘I wouldn’t never ever dream of leaving knickers lying around, dear me no, how disgusting’, posts are a joke.

Chikapu · 15/08/2022 11:36

I’d find it very hard to get past the idea of living with someone though thinks that soiled knickers go on the floor, not in the laundry, and who then just walks past them the next day

Soiled? I doubt the OP had shit herself, they were probably perfectly clean to the naked eye but had been worn a day.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:38

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:35

This! I can't trust someone who sneaks around taking photos behind my back as evidence. It is weird and disturbing.

And he can’t trust someone who lives like you do but pretends that they keep the house lovely.

It sounds like it’s time for each of you to move on.

Thestoppedfan · 15/08/2022 11:38

I’m surprised at the reaction here- I think his behaviour is really weird. If my husband took pictures like that I would be really considering our relationship. I leave my clothes on the floor next to the bed at night and put them in the basket in the morning. I don’t think OP should be embarrassed of a pair of worn knickers on the floor… it’s not like she’d shat in them!

Chikapu · 15/08/2022 11:39

I'm starting to wonder what kind of shit stained, peed on pants some of you are wearing if you think everyone's undies are soiled 🤔

Anniefrenchfry · 15/08/2022 11:40

Chikapu · 15/08/2022 11:36

I’d find it very hard to get past the idea of living with someone though thinks that soiled knickers go on the floor, not in the laundry, and who then just walks past them the next day

Soiled? I doubt the OP had shit herself, they were probably perfectly clean to the naked eye but had been worn a day.

I don’t know, she clearly says they are dirty. My underwear is clean to the naked eye so any pic would be pointless it would just be a pair of knickers pic and you’d not know if they were worn or not. So I would assume these were visibly dirty or soiled.

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:41

I do not pretend. With full time jobs and young kids, the house is messy sometimes. But I help to tidy up (after his mess a lot of the time). I don't take secret pics.

OP posts:
CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:42

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 10:54

Hands up. I admit it was a mistake to leave dirty underwear in the bedroom. But why not just mention it to me? Taking photos behind my back is very underhand.

And to put it in context, he has spoke about 'gathering evidence' against me before. For what? Good question. I guess I just don't trust him.

And to put it in context, he has spoke about 'gathering evidence' against me before. For what? Good question.

He sounds devious and threatening. It might seem ridiculous to suggest LTB for this, but I would seriously consider either couples therapy or leaving him. He sounds truly devious and threatening, and controlling.

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:44

I won't go into details, but no - I do not leave underwear visibly soiled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:45

He has been abusive and controlling. Have suggested marriage counselling, but he is not willing.

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 15/08/2022 11:47

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:44

I won't go into details, but no - I do not leave underwear visibly soiled.

So what’s the point of that then, it would be just what looks like clean knickers on the floor.

and counselling is not something therapists will do if a relationship is abusive.

W0tnow · 15/08/2022 11:47

😂 bull. shit.

W0tnow · 15/08/2022 11:49

Sorry, that was to tinysophie.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:49

Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:45

He has been abusive and controlling. Have suggested marriage counselling, but he is not willing.

Then you need to leave him. This is no way to live.

billy1966 · 15/08/2022 11:51

What a nasty piece of work.
But you know that.

Don't go for counselling with an abusive man.
Focus on leaving.

YANBU

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 11:52

He has been abusive and controlling. Have suggested marriage counselling, but he is not willing.

Man who snoops around collecting evidence of his wife's minor household standards 'failures' turns out to have been abusive and controlling in other ways? Colour me surprised! Sorry to hear that, OP. Are you wanting to leave?

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 11:52

This reply has been deleted

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UnicornsDoExist · 15/08/2022 11:52

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 10:58

YANBU. The normal way to adress issues like this would be for your husband to talk to you about it, not to creep around like a weirdo, collecting photographic evidence and storing it up to use against you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your collective household habits and how chores are shared, his behaviour is unpleasant and concerning. I'm very surprised so many posters think it's reasonable tbh.

Agree

of course it’s violating, he could be showing the pictures to anyone!

Original poster
Starlight9876 · 15/08/2022 11:53

I want to leave but it is too difficult right now. Still working out my options x

OP posts:
MaryMcCarthy · 15/08/2022 11:53

If he's abusive and controlling, leave him. Why do you need any advice here?

Anniefrenchfry · 15/08/2022 11:54

With full time jobs and young kids, the house is messy sometimes. But I help to tidy up

help who? Him?

it does seem he is saying he does the majority of the chores, you are saying this isn’t true. Your use of the word “help” here indicates he might be right, he’s now resorting to photographing stuff. Which is so odd and dysfunctional. But I can see if you live with someone messy and always do the bulk of the clearing , are sick of it, how you might resort to it to prove a point.

only you know the truth of it.