Husband took secret photos of my underwear

[Starlight9876]

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

It’s unnecessarily adversarial and designed to shame you.
if my boyfriend did that I’d end it. We’re not a team if he is ‘gathering evidence’ against me.
weird behaviour. Just ask you to be a bit neater.

In light of your recent messages, maybe you could post agin in relationships, or ask the thread to be moved there? You’ll get more support. X

"Gathering evidence against you" is not the action of a loving and supportive partner.

I’m sorry but how can any of you defend this man!? I think this behaviour is absolutely a violation and an incredibly petty and malicious way to go about things.

Your home is a place to feel safe and I am sure we have all left dirty underwear out at some point, can you imagine them being photographed to use against you in an argument! Appalling behaviour and I can completely understand why you feel the way you do OP!

I admit I haven’t read all of the thread so may have missed this but I did see the OP say it was a genuine mistake to leave the underwear out so doesn’t seem it’s a regular thing and even so photographing like that is not OK!

Don’t you look like an arsehole for not reading the OP’s posts. Come on. Lazy.

I do the bulk of the tidying/ cleaning. I am not perfect but I pull my weight.

Even if she makes a habit of leaving dirty pants out and then denying it happened?

You're jumping to quite a few conclusions there. Where did OP say this is a habit of hers? Where did she say she denied it?

Leaving a little mess sometimes doesn't mean that OP doesn't do a considerable amount of housework. Her husband is the one denying HIS mess by deflecting it back onto her, which is not healthy.

Op what did he mean by evidence, could he mean evidence to prove to you in these arguments that you are slovenly and he’s doing everything.

I think folks are assuming something much worse like evidence for a third party. However I am reading it that he’s sick of cleaning up after you and is using them in evidence to you only that you are doing loads of chores.

No. I don't like hassle so I tend to just clear up when I see his mess.

The po-faced ‘I wouldn’t never ever dream of leaving knickers lying around, dear me no, how disgusting’, posts are a joke

Quite. But this is mumset where everyone keeps their house perfectly spotless and every flick of dust is promptly swept up and anything less is living in a pig sty.

OP it sounds like your relationship issues are bigger than this incident. Perhaps post to relationships. You'll get more compassionate advice.

Thanks so much x

Absolutely that. And there's a pp admitting to the same.

Noted. This behaviour has a wider context , which should prob be addressed elsewhere. Thanks x

if hes absuvie then this is just the tip of the iceberg

im a mess i admit it dh not much better we dont go round gathering evidence of each other for future reference though

I do more household chores than husband. But to be honest, it is not a competition. It is the secretive behaviour that upset me.

It does seem weird but it's his home too, so I dont see why he can't take photos if he wants to.

Sounds like he is a cleaning freak and simply wants to prove he is the tidiest.
Maybe you are always arguing about who leaves things out etc and he wants to show you. I don't suppose it matter to him that it's your dirty pants... could have been work files, wellies, power tools....

And that’s the bit of information we needed.

taking photos as evidence is crazy weird, and as soon as I read it I thought that sounds controlling.

normal people talk about things that bug them, they don’t collect evidence.

Has he ever threatened you physically or made you feel unsafe?

Seriously, I can barely believe many of the posts on this thread.

A bunch of Mrs Hinches who would seem to be prepared to put up with an obnoxious man who's 'collecting evidence*' on them. Good grief.

*Pointless 'evidence' as the plate and the pants could have been there for a few seconds or a few days. A photo means nothing.

It does seem weird but it's his home too, so I dont see why he can't take photos if he wants to.

He literally told the OP he was gathetjng evidence to use against her! That's not just 'taking a few snaps in your home because you want to', is it?

It's utterly depressing.

My ex brought up my stained underwear (it happened sometimes so I couldn't deny it) in an argument when he was having an affair, I told him my underwear might occasionally be stained, but at least I hadn't got a shit stained soul like some people!

Yes, this is part of a much bigger picture. Thanks for your insight.

This ‘evidence against you’ has alarm
bells clanging. Did you ask him what he meant?

I don't understand some of these responses... How dirty must their knickers be to find a pair on the floor "disgusting"?
If he is happy to be up close and personal with your lady bits, not sure how he can find your knickers so offensive.
Unless you're a regular pant shitter.
He's a full on knob.