Husband took secret photos of my underwear

[Starlight9876]

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

If he's felt the need to record it it's because you are denying doing it/that it's that frequent etc.

If you think it's ok to occasionally leave pants on the floor, if you just say that to him then him recording it would be pointless.

Your denial indicates on a basic level that you are aware they shouldnt be left there, otherwise when he whines about it surely you would just shrug and say "yes I left those there.... and?"

I hope you photographed them first!

I think most of us try to record evidence when we’re at our wit’s end

Yeah, no. No we don't.

The knots some people will tie themselves into to justify creepy, controlling, abusive behaviour is astounding.

Yes, you only need to glance at any thread on Mumsnet where a woman posts about her husband / partner acting odd and it's a tidal wave.

"Can you get into his phone OP?"
"Wait til he's asleep and unlock it with facial recognition."
"Check his bank statements"
"Track him using find my iPhone!"
"Do you know his email password?"
"Turn up at his work and see if he's really where he says he is."
"Make him send you a photo as proof!"
"I once put a tracking device on my ex husband's car"

Exactly. I thought it was something more sinister.

To me it sounds like your dh has got fed up with you leaving things here and there and had to do it himself, when it's your responsibility to tidy up after yourself.

It's neither an invasion of your privacy nor secret if you have left your underwear in a shared space and if he's shown you the photo.

Clearly none of us know the true nature of your relationship with your dh, but it seems like you both need to communicate about this aspect to resolve it.

Just for fun, I was tidying the kitchen earlier on and emptied dh's collection of little UHT milk cartons into the sink as they were out of date. Took a not so secretive pic and sent him it.

He joked he was going to make cheese with them.

As 'evidence' his photos are worthless, as he could have put the items there himself.

This point supports the idea that he meant as evidence he could show her, as opposed to any more sinister motive some would like to imply. I can't imagine anyone else being in any way interested in the evidence, even if it was accepted as genuine.

Rather than looking at the result of his behaviour (the photographs), you need to look at what it means for your marriage OP.

His words are chilling, especially being as he is leaving mess for you to clear up too. It sounds like it's over bar the shouting.

I wonder whether you usually deny that you've left a mess and he got fed up and thought to gather evidence

So many posters taking against a woman OP, and siding with a clearly abusive man.

What is happening.

Bloodyhell, OP, I'm sorry for all the 'oh my God you left knickers on the floor' responses.. I'm not perfect either, but these are OUR homes!! That's all.. jut wanted to let you know that we won't ALL be ripping you apart. :-(

This thread reminded me of the time I bought a cassette-tape based voice-recorder, with the intention of recording DW in mid-rant, and playing it back later, so I could show her what she's like. I never actually used it for that, but 20 years later not wanting to experience her screaming any more was the top on the list of items causing me to demand she move out.

This thread reminded me of the time I bought a cassette-tape based voice-recorder, with the intention of recording DW in mid-rant, and playing it back later, so I could show her what she's like. I never actually used it for that, but 20 years later not wanting to experience her screaming any more was the top on the list of items causing me to demand she move out.

Except in your case the victim of abuse was the one doing the recording, in order to protect themselves. Whereas in the OP's position it is the abuser who is doing the recording. Unless you think that being a bit untidy is abusive?

He sounds like a very odd duck, also not a loving partner and a sneaky bastard.

Maybe because you always deny a problem exists and perhaps even go on the offensive, rather than take ownership of your faults?

He feels your gaslighting him.

Rrrerrr

Maybe because you always deny a problem exists and perhaps even go on the offensive, rather than take ownership of your faults?

Where on earth did you get that assumption from? Some posters really will go to any lengths and toe themselves in knots to favour the penis-owner!

There are also a lot of mucky pups around but honestly - who on earth would be interested in pictures of your dirty manky underwear.

I think he is trying to say stop denying you are untidy because here in the evidence.

Was a bit surprised too. The behaviour is unacceptable and forms a pattern of behaviour.

That's not the point. You don't take photos of someone else's underwear.

Have you expressed this to your dh and have you told him you feel violated, had your privacy invaded etc?

What has he said?

You need to have a conversation and come to an agreement. If he is abusive and controlling, then what is the point of the relationship?

Totally agree.

@Starlight9876, have you ever told your husband you "ALWAYS" clean up behind yourself? Have you ever told your husband you don't know what he is talking about when he says you leave stuff dirty? Have you ever told your husband it is him and not you who is unclean? Those pictures were for every time you've said that. Were they right? No! Were they necessary? Maybe. Only you know how you two argue, but I will tell you that feeling frustrated because your partner says they never do something can drive a person to question their own sanity AND start taking pictures. In the end, it leaves BOTH of you feeling angry and upset. Your husband doesn't feel that you both are working as a team. Perhaps he is being excessive here, but think about things from his perspective given the nature of your marriage. Only you know what you say to him. BOTH of you are going to have to start working together if you want your marriage to last. If you don't trust him and he is frustrated with you, that's a recipe for divorce. You two need marriage counseling before you end up needing a divorce! You can't war against each other and expect everything to be OK!