Husband took secret photos of my underwear

[Starlight9876]

DH and I were having a disagreement about how much we do around the house. DH says he does everything, but conveniently forgets all the household chores I do on a daily basis.

In the middle of the argument DH said that I was messy too and brought out his mobile phone. He showed me secret photos he had taken of a dirty plate I used weeks ago, a knife and fork and dirty underwear that I left in a bedroom. He said he took them as 'evidence against me'.

I was livid and so upset. It is such an invasion of privacy. I felt violated in my home.

Am I justified in being really angry about this?

That is creepy. I wonder if he was planning on sharing those with someone else. I would not like it.

Hes wrong to take photos but I’m guessing this is an ongoing thing for it to get this far.

The plate from weeks ago is pretty disgusting and could attract bugs and get mouldy.
I wouldn’t leave knickers around to be honest. A tidy home is a tidy mind.

Maybe get into a habit of tidying up as you go rather than leaving things then becoming overwhelmed.

You’re gunning for a few OPs this morning, regardless or circumstance.

From the off it was obvious this man is abusive. Sneaking around ‘collecting evidence’ is the clear actions of an abusive partner.

And the assumptions being made by posters on here to prop up their own narratives and justify them kicking a woman for having the audacity to post about the abusive actions of her husband, is truly horrible.

Well isn’t this an utter shift from the original post!

You’ve been busted OP.

I would not want to be with this man 😔

If he is just as bad take your own photos "for evidence" and treat him to a slide show. And stop clearing his mess!

I don't understand some of these responses... How dirty must their knickers be to find a pair on the floor "disgusting"? If he is happy to be up close and personal with your lady bits, not sure how he can find your knickers so offensive.

There is a surprisingly large number of posters on MN who seem to have pretty extreme levels of obsession or phobia around hygiene and cleanliness. I pity their immune systems tbh.

Yes - he said so he could show it to me later. Just in case I denied it. To note - normally if he points out something, I just tidy it up. I do not deny.

As he has spoken about evidence in other contexts, I am suspicious of him. No trust. It is sad.

I notice you didn’t put ‘knife and fork’ in the title. And given he showed you, why ‘secret’?

You’re trying to set this up so we all shriek ‘controller! creep! perv!’

But it sounds more like he’s trying to support his side of an arguement. Which might be petty, but isn’t unreasonable.

If he's made you feel physically unsafe and there isn't any trust, stop focusing on stuff like this. You are doing it to deflect the more serious issues. I wouldn't get caught up in the petty stuff. Keep your head clear to make a plan to leave.

@WalkingOnTheCracks maybe she didn't want a ridiculously long title and the underwear was the thing that bothered her most due to its intimate nature? And he compiled evidence against her in secret.

Considered this. But gosh, dont wont to be that pathetic. He left his dirty plate in the bedroom this morning. Was gonna leave it, but dont want to be that sort of person!

OP said she used the plate weeks ago. Not that it was sitting there for all those weeks. He presumably took the photo of it weeks ago. Hence 'secretive' and only showing her when an argument gave him the excuse.

This! All the photos upset me, but the underwear one was most upsetting.

thanks

The plate wasn't sitting around for weeks. The photo was taken weeks ago. I remember it because I thought it was nice he put it away. Little did I know.

I don’t know why I found this so funny .. probably because I can just see my husband doing something like this 😩😅😂

Just clean up your shit and he won’t have to get the evidence, I think you must be in denial for him to have to try and prove himself though.

God no, there are some very low boundaries on mn lately. A man taking pictures for evidence, get rid. Why would he be doing that if he’s not planning an exit or using it to control.

Leaving stuff around isn’t the best but he’s photographing it for “evidence” for who? That’s weird behaviour.

The comments on this thread!!! Blimey. I love that underwear that is on the body immediately becomes "rank" and "soiled" and "vile" the second it hits the floor. And obviously having it in a laundry basket is much less disgusting than it being on the floor.

Good grief. None of my underwear is ever visibly soiled. We each have a little basket in our rooms for dirty laundry and sometimes if the basket is downstairs some of my dirty clothes go in a pile on the floor in my dressing room until the basket comes back upstairs. No one has ever contracted illnesses nor has the carpet dissolved from the vileness of this!

I would also be deeply uncomfortable with feeling as though I couldn't slip up and forget to clear up a plate because it would be used as evidence against me! We are a normal working busy family and quite often if we are running late, or have to dash out to collect a child or insert a million other possibilities we will leave dishes out or the washing basket might get overly full. That's just life. DH and I will pick up the slack and work together to get things back on track when we can but neither one of us would hold things against the other if household chores got shelved for a while. Life's too short and there's too many bigger things to worry about than a plate.

The key here is that we both have that approach to life and so we work well together. It seems that OP and her husband aren't compatible if he's pouncing on small things like this and lording them over her as "evidence". For the incompatibility alone Id leave.

Our home isn't a pigsty either before anyone pounces on me, it's a clean lived in small holding with a degree of take us as you find us, dogs and animals. Poles apart from the pearl clutching at some pants on the floor!

How can anyone really answer this? We’ve got no idea how messy your house is generally. The answers from those with clean houses will say you’re being a slob and the ones from not so clean houses will say it’s fine to leave your knickers on the floor.

I think most of us try to record evidence when we’re at our wit’s end. It’s mostly to prove to ourselves that we’re not going mad when the other person denies any wrongdoing. And maybe seek the opinion of someone else for the same reason. I’m not sure what a solicitor is going to do with a photo of knickers!😄

I suspect that someone who leaves dirty knickers on the floor isn’t going around secretly tidying things away that their partner has left out.

He is inhibiting the action you take in your own home

Me! And my DH! We don’t stress over it!

The recording, photographing, documenting thing is the last stage of desperate frustration.

If your OH is gaslighting you - "I never said that. You're misquoting me. I've never tipped coffee grounds in the sink, never!" - you get to the point where you take photos, record conversations just so you can say, "You did! You did! I recorded it!"

And you do this knowing that the reply will be "You recorded our conversation? That's just unhinged. You need to get help. No, no - don't try to play it. Really - you're sick."

So, yeah - I think this is probably the endgame. But I tend not to believe it's all the husband's fault, on this occasion.

What a misleading headline 😂

I regularly tidy up his mess, everyday in fact. Just tidied his breakfast plate and cup left in a bedroom.