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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 09:24

I think his dad should be asking some questions, such as "what's the problem with your partner looking after our son?" because I'd be worried about that tbh.

Liz1tummypain · 15/08/2022 09:24

And this is why our kids are so messed up. They’re passed from pillar to post. Apologies if I’m coming across as unsympathetic but there it is.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/08/2022 09:24

does her dh work from home?
how annoying she sounds

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:25

@ApplesandBunions That’s what I did say, I said wow!! As in I can’t believe that attitude of ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ so that poster is basically saying she would be willing for the child to potentially be in danger on account of the fact it wouldn’t be her problem if he WAS. Regardless of whether he is or not was hardly the point. The issue is the level of nonchalance about it.

I’m not ‘’claiming’’ anything and if you think I am then just perhaps you are the silly one.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2022 09:26

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:21

Everyone more concerned about how to make a point to the feckless ex, than this child’s feelings. Lovely.

I couldnt agree more, its really sad actually but this is MN where step children are just second class citizens, no one I know in real life would act like this or give advice to act like this. I find it utterly bizarre.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 09:27

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 09:24

I think his dad should be asking some questions, such as "what's the problem with your partner looking after our son?" because I'd be worried about that tbh.

Based on that fact OP seems to think the partner is okay, it’s most likely they he has put up with DSS mum pulling shit like this before and told her not to do it again.

inwouldnt be surprised if she told her partner that the OP would be having DSS today,.

Quia · 15/08/2022 09:27

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:07

@Quia probably minuscule, granted. It was more the attitude of ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ as in ‘’who cares!?’’ That I took issue with. People who are a danger usually wait until other people are out of sight.

If this was in any way realistic you'd have to account for the fact that DSS has clearly never suggested he is scared of his mother's partner, and his mother is happy to leave her baby with him - bearing in mind that babies are a hell of a lot more difficult to look after than 9 year olds. If anyone really thought the partner represented any danger, OP and her husband would have a duty to refuse to send DSS back at all, which no-one is suggesting.

There's minuscule risk, and there's fantasyland. This is in the second category.

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/08/2022 09:28

SalviaOfficinalis · 15/08/2022 09:16

She’s happy for the partner to be there with their baby, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Show quote history

I wonder if she's told her DP a fib about where she is and what she's doing? and OP dropping DSS off early this morning will have shone a light on this? If his mum has legitimate concerns she can get her arse home straight away can't she! if it was a safeguarding problem, it should have been communicated to OP and her husband.

You were right to drop him off OP, enjoy your day out

Dawn884 · 15/08/2022 09:29

Bit harsh! OP has a day out planned and even let him stay an extra night so it's his mum whi should have stuck to her word ans picked him up on time.. because she said she would be late does not mean he is 'unwanted

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 09:29

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:37

I’m probably alone in this because I know his mum’s been shitty and you’ve planned it for ages but i honestly would just take the DSS with me if it was me. I’d feel guilty leaving kids out. His mum doesn’t seem like she cares much as it is.

DSS doesn't know about OP's planned activity today.
He was expecting to go home at 8am today.
The only change in the plan for him is being dropped off by OP, instead of collected by his mother.

He's 9! - I bet he'd much prefer to be chilling at home, with all his toys & entertainments, than have his anticipated schedule disrupted by being taken on an activity aimed at 4 year old.

Think it through @Scurryfunge12
If you were expecting to go home to mum, but your stepmum took you on a boring day out for little kids instead, would that make you feel more or less wanted by your mum, than being dropped off by your stepmum with the cheery message "mum's running a bit late but she's looking forward to getting home to see you soon" ?

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 09:30

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:25

@ApplesandBunions That’s what I did say, I said wow!! As in I can’t believe that attitude of ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ so that poster is basically saying she would be willing for the child to potentially be in danger on account of the fact it wouldn’t be her problem if he WAS. Regardless of whether he is or not was hardly the point. The issue is the level of nonchalance about it.

I’m not ‘’claiming’’ anything and if you think I am then just perhaps you are the silly one.

Lmao we're actually doing this? Ok! You said:

'there might be a reason his mum won’t leave her DS with her partner.'

'OP said earlier mum won’t leave him with her partner and always asks her, so it’s reasonable to wonder why and not ridiculous at all from where I’m sitting. Even if she has left him with her rarely it raises the question of why so rarely?'

If you were only concerned about the view that it's not OPs business and nothing else, you wouldn't have been speculating about why. You're backtracking.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 09:30

Quia · 15/08/2022 09:27

If this was in any way realistic you'd have to account for the fact that DSS has clearly never suggested he is scared of his mother's partner, and his mother is happy to leave her baby with him - bearing in mind that babies are a hell of a lot more difficult to look after than 9 year olds. If anyone really thought the partner represented any danger, OP and her husband would have a duty to refuse to send DSS back at all, which no-one is suggesting.

There's minuscule risk, and there's fantasyland. This is in the second category.

Show quote history

Yep!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/08/2022 09:32

Your dh contacts her says either get yourself here now and collect him or he is being dropped home. Cotton is not your childminder when you feel like it. He is always welcome here, but stop being a cheeky mare.

LoveMeForARaisin · 15/08/2022 09:33

Do we know for a fact she’s out boozing?

RoseAndRose · 15/08/2022 09:33

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2022 09:26

I couldnt agree more, its really sad actually but this is MN where step children are just second class citizens, no one I know in real life would act like this or give advice to act like this. I find it utterly bizarre.

Show quote history

The child has been welcomed in his DDad’s home for three days, stayed an extra night, and has been cheerfully waved off this DMum’s house the next day.

I don’t see why that would make him feel unwanted at his DDad’s, when he’s just had extra time there!

JenniferPlantain · 15/08/2022 09:33

I think you’re a bit of a legend OP. Well done for not being a doormat. Hope you and DS have a lovely day! X

Rainbowshit · 15/08/2022 09:33

Good for you. Enjoy your day out.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 09:34

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2022 09:26

I couldnt agree more, its really sad actually but this is MN where step children are just second class citizens, no one I know in real life would act like this or give advice to act like this. I find it utterly bizarre.

Show quote history

Because people here fall over themselves to tell women they don't have to 'be kind' and do anything that inconveniences them, which is true. It's just often going to inconvenience or hurt a child instead.

NewYorkLassie · 15/08/2022 09:34

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:09

DH told his mum I was dropping him off with her DP. She then text me directly saying she's sorry she wasn't able to pick him up but she couldn't get back in time (could have if she hasn't stayed out) and could I please just take him with me today. I've blocked her. Can't be doing with anymore excuses, it's always someone else's problem. She's selfish. She can discuss things with DH only from now on. If he wants to help her in the future that's fine but I won't be.

OP I’m not saying you did the wrong thing at all, but this sounds to me like she really doesn’t want her partner looking after DSS and I would want to know why.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 09:36

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:06

Dropped him off, he was fine. Saw her DP through the window and be opened the door for DSS so he's definitely there.

Getting ready to go out now 🙂

Excellent. Just the kind of low-key, no-drama outcome that was needed.
Well done OP. Have a cracking day out.

Keekabooyou · 15/08/2022 09:36

Totally agree that op does need to manage how her dss feels. She is an important person in his life. Also worrying that he can’t seem to be left with the other step parent in his life.

Quia · 15/08/2022 09:36

dogmandu · 15/08/2022 07:58

Agree 100% . Poor kid. Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start. They are brothers after all, and this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority. Whilst it is understandable that she prioritises her own child in her heart, making it public and in front of the other child, is another matter.
Some of the 'just drop him off - that'll show them!' replies on here make me wonder if these poster are mothers themselves . If so they show a remarkable lack of empathy.

Show quote history

Nonsense. How could OP include her DSS in plans for a day out on a day when he was due to be with his mother? And how much fun would it realistically be for a 9 year old to go on an activity that appeals to 4 year olds? She isn't making anything public - do you seriously imagine she told her DSS all the gory details about this mother's behaviour? So far as he's concerned, he's just going home today in accordance with the original plan.

It's perfectly reasonable to take children out separately. When my DC were little, DH or I regularly took DS off to look at trains while DD very happily stayed behind because she knew she would be bored rigid. Conversely we equally took DD off on her own to do things that she liked. Children are allowed quality time with one of their parents occasionally.

CrappyJob · 15/08/2022 09:36

LoveMeForARaisin · 15/08/2022 09:33

Do we know for a fact she’s out boozing?

I don't imagine op has checked up on her, so I'm guessing the answer is no. But I'm not sure of the relevance.

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:36

Yes, I said that after somebody else asked and got the ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ response, and there could have been a reason for all anybody knew. I said it to point out how silly that nonchalant attitude was. Plenty of women have babies with abusers and live with abusers with their kids.

Me saying there could be a reason isn’t the same as me claiming anything, is it?

It is probably safe, yes, but go and have ago at the others who said similar.

Blowthemandown · 15/08/2022 09:37

@CottonCandy11 well done. The only thing I’d have done different is probably say no in the first place but I’m sure this would still have played out this way - but I would have replied to her text (not rudely) something like ‘not only were you going to be late today but you were due yesterday and you wanted to be out, I was kind enough to accommodate you but now you have mucked me about and jeopardised my long-standing plans. And this isn’t the first time (remember when you went out for ‘an hour’ and disappeared for a day)? Not once have you helped me out in return or given anyone else a thought in all this.

please let us know if there’s any fall out, hope you have a lovely day today.