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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/08/2022 08:53

this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority.

What about the 'clear public statement' that his DM puts her partying above her child, has married someone she either can't trust to or won't help out with look after her child?
Nooooo let's go at the SM....

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:55

@ApplesandBunions OP said earlier mum won’t leave him with her partner and always asks her, so it’s reasonable to wonder why and not ridiculous at all from where I’m sitting. Even if she has left him with her rarely it raises the question of why so rarely?

doobydoobydooooo · 15/08/2022 08:55

How strange to have a partner that you've had a child with who won't accept your existing child to be dropped off at your home for a few hours. Not even a toddler or baby who needs a lot of attention, an older child. Very strange situation and if I was your dh I'd be questioning that. Even when she asked he should've said 'what about your husband? You know, father of your baby?'

Badger1970 · 15/08/2022 08:55

I'd take him with me, being honest. Today's going to be no fun for him stuck with a hungover mother.

She on the other hand is a disgrace, she had 3 nights to go out on when you had him. But takes the piss and asks for another then lets you down.

Poor kid. No one deserves a mum that prioritises her social life over them Sad

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 08:55

I'd be fucked off too, poor DSS though. 😞

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:56

left him with him* rarely

RocketsMagnificent7 · 15/08/2022 08:56

Rosehugger · 15/08/2022 08:03

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare

I agree. It's his son yet he has fucked off to work.

Yes god forbid he goes to work to earn money to support his family. Good lord, anyone but the mother is to blame for some.

OP has already stated she agreed to look after her stepson, her husband was going to say no (I assume because he leaves for work at 4am). He has done nothing wrong here. Only one person has.

doobydoobydooooo · 15/08/2022 08:57

And if the home situation with mum and step dad is such that the step dad doesn't really want him around I'd be asking if we needed to step up contact and change the living arrangements. The lad needs to feel wanted and never question where he's welcome.

Olsi109 · 15/08/2022 08:57

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 08:42

@RocketsMagnificent7 where has anyone said it's the step mums fault? In this scenario ofcourse it isn't the step mums fault. But generally, I don't care who is at 'fault', I care how the kid feels

OP's already said numerous times her DSS is none the wiser and is as happy with his mums DP as he is with her. She hasn't projected her annoyance with his selfish mother onto DSS and is simply dropping him off at home rather than his mum picking up. That is about as far as OP's responsibilities go.

OP has zero responsibility for this child - legally or any other way. My oldest DD who is 14 has a SM (a lovely one) - she knew about her as she got with my ex before she was even born. Do I expect her to be kind and caring towards my DP? Absolutely. Do I expect her to include my DP in things with their own children during their contact time? Absolutely. Do I expect her to "step up" and take care of her when my ex isn't there? Absolutely NOT. Do I expect her to change her plans and take my DD on days out with her own children when my DD is planned to be with me? Absolutely NOT. Do I expect her to do anything I wouldn't ask my own DH to do? Absolutely NOT. Do I expect her to get involved with parenting choices such as schooling, finances, actual parenting. Absolutely NOT. Because my DD is NOT her responsibility - she is mine and my ex's and quite frankly she is "stepping up" just by being her lovely, caring self and making my DD feel loved during her PLANNED time there and I wouldn't dream of expecting anything else from her. That is the role of a step parent and nothing more. OP's DSS feelings on the this matter (if he has picked up on anything and has any) are for OP's DP and DSS mum to discuss and manage.

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 08:58

LumpyandBumps · 15/08/2022 08:35

I feel for the OP, and the 9YO.
I feel most sympathy for the Mum’s current partner.
There is of course nothing wrong with expecting him to look after his own child overnight, although we have no way of knowing whether that was agreed, or she just failed to return.
He could well have had a sleepless night and have been counting the minutes until her return, and it seems likely that that won’t be until late morning.
Now he will also have her child dumped on him and be expected to suck it up just because he is at home.
I don’t disagree with OP returning the child as her time with her 4 YO is precious, but am surprised by how many people seem to be of the opinion that this will somehow inconvenience the Mother.

It will "inconvenience the mother" because her partner will be pissed off with her when she finally returns. whether or not he was also inconvenienced by her is not the OP's problem.

I am not a step mother (my children have one though) and I'm with the OP all the way.

sst1234 · 15/08/2022 08:59

Always the kids who suffer in these broken home situations. Regardless of who is at fault.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/08/2022 09:00

are you sure he is there?

LakieLady · 15/08/2022 09:00

BungleandGeorge · 15/08/2022 07:58

The issue is that in this case the other adult is also a step parent so why is it more his responsibility? Unfortunately it’s more on OP in this situation as she actually has possession of the child and has agreed to look after them. That makes it her responsibility

Show quote history

I think it's more the other SP's responsibility because he and DSS live in the same home.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 09:02

controversial I know but this is IMO why blended families just don’t work.

Hardly "controversial." Dimwitted & illogical maybe..

With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it seems that nuclear families "just don't work" either @OpinionsUnseen.
And everybody (except you, granted) knows some lovely functional blended families.

People are people.
Whether they are on their first or second marriage, living with their bio or step children, they will either be reasonable people, or they will not.
Making generalisations about blended families inevitably "not working" just sounds like pearl-clutching bigotry.

Quia · 15/08/2022 09:03

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:49

@Jellicoe

WOW!! I know it’s not ‘’technically’’ her problem but there might be a reason his mum won’t leave her DS with her partner. You would just drop him off regardless without knowing if it’s safe or not because it’s ‘’not your problem’’? 🤯

She leaves a baby with this man, and lives with him with her older DS. How likely is it realistically that he presents any danger?

Quia · 15/08/2022 09:06

Rosehugger · 15/08/2022 08:03

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare

I agree. It's his son yet he has fucked off to work.

He fucked off to work three hours before anyone knew there was any problem. It's hardly his fault. You can't assume he has a job where he can get home quickly at the drop of a hat - for all you know he was miles away by the time his ex contacted him.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:06

Dropped him off, he was fine. Saw her DP through the window and be opened the door for DSS so he's definitely there.

Getting ready to go out now 🙂

OP posts:
Quia · 15/08/2022 09:06

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:06

Dropped him off, he was fine. Saw her DP through the window and be opened the door for DSS so he's definitely there.

Getting ready to go out now 🙂

Great, hope you have a lovely day, OP.

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:07

@Quia probably minuscule, granted. It was more the attitude of ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ as in ‘’who cares!?’’ That I took issue with. People who are a danger usually wait until other people are out of sight.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 09:07

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:55

@ApplesandBunions OP said earlier mum won’t leave him with her partner and always asks her, so it’s reasonable to wonder why and not ridiculous at all from where I’m sitting. Even if she has left him with her rarely it raises the question of why so rarely?

As I said, OP stated that DSS has been left with new partner on occasion. And you are being silly putting two and two together and making twenty, particularly when OP has actually offered an explanation of why that might be and when the new partner is evidently able to do the more difficult job of solo childcare for a baby. There does come a point when the wild inventions of people's minds add nothing at all to the discussion, and that's where you've arrived.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:09

DH told his mum I was dropping him off with her DP. She then text me directly saying she's sorry she wasn't able to pick him up but she couldn't get back in time (could have if she hasn't stayed out) and could I please just take him with me today. I've blocked her. Can't be doing with anymore excuses, it's always someone else's problem. She's selfish. She can discuss things with DH only from now on. If he wants to help her in the future that's fine but I won't be.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:09

DH told his mum I was dropping him off with her DP. She then text me directly saying she's sorry she wasn't able to pick him up but she couldn't get back in time (could have if she hasn't stayed out) and could I please just take him with me today. I've blocked her. Can't be doing with anymore excuses, it's always someone else's problem. She's selfish. She can discuss things with DH only from now on. If he wants to help her in the future that's fine but I won't be.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 15/08/2022 09:10

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 08:20

I have no idea why you would marry someone that has a child if you didn't want to be a part of that child's life. If you don't want to be a step parent, don't be one, it's not hard is it? No one is forcing anyone to be a step parent. I don't want to be a step parent, I don't want that responsibility, so I don't date people who have kids. Step parents generally know ahead of time that their partner has a child so I have no idea why so many act so put out over it. And that's not to justify this kids own mother being crap, but it's not a case of 'he's not the OPs responsibility' what kind of adult says that? Most people have no issue accepting their partners dog as there own, but for some reason it's different with kids? And no I'm not 'wrong' just because you say I am.

Show quote history

If you enter into a relationship with a non-resident parent, you have a perfectly legitimate expectation that you will only have step-parent responsibilities during your partner's contact time with their child.

It's therefore utterly reasonable to make plans for the time when the step-child is not expected to be with the NRP. The only unreasonable one here is the ex, who isn't acting like a responsible adult and is off having fun when she should be looking after her child.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 09:10

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:09

DH told his mum I was dropping him off with her DP. She then text me directly saying she's sorry she wasn't able to pick him up but she couldn't get back in time (could have if she hasn't stayed out) and could I please just take him with me today. I've blocked her. Can't be doing with anymore excuses, it's always someone else's problem. She's selfish. She can discuss things with DH only from now on. If he wants to help her in the future that's fine but I won't be.

Bet her DP has read her the riot act.

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:10

@ApplesandBunions

excuse me but it wasn’t me that asked!? It was another poster, I merely replied to someone saying it wasn’t the OP’s problem, so I think you’re being harsh calling me silly to be quite honest.