Page 35 | To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

CottonCandy11 · 2022-08-15T06:04:45+00:00

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother. He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something. My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am). I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned. My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!). Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11. I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter. But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 17:46

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 15:30

Yea and many people feel closer to their best friend than they do their sister.... You or your partner don't have parental responsibility for your niece or nephew - I know the SM doesn't have PR, I'm referring to the father

If you're referring to the father, then why did you frame it from the SM's POV?

Because as long as she's with him she should be doing right by the child too. As for his own mother that's a different story and we do not know all the facts. Exs and new partners rarely have much nice to say about eachother on a good day.

She's more or less said in a comment that with the experience gained she wouldn't enter in to a relationship with someone with a child again - speaks volumes - she ain't keen on the step mother role, which is fine but don't marry someone if you don't accept their kids because you can't return to sender. Since becoming a mother she's realised the bond is very different which is normal but not her DH's sons fault.

Done out of duty of to the husband and not out of love for the child. It's normal but still doesn't make it easy for the kid

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 17:49

It strikes me that OP husband must be feeling pretty rubbish that, from miles away, and with limited chance to pick up phone calls, he's tried to put in place a plan to help out ex wife, only to have it unleash a World War 3 of pettiness and recrimination. No doubt the call blocking will cause recrimination about who's being irresponsible and blah, blah, blah, 'he always tries to accommodate his ex wife', etc.and it will all be life- disenhancing instead of positive.

Blimey, the hyperbole is strong in this one!

DH hadn't "tried to put a plan in place" from miles away.
The plan was made on Sunday, when his Ex asked for DSS to stay an extra night.
As DH was due to be travelling from 4am on Monday, he quite rightly consulted with OP, saying he'd be happy to say "no" to Ex this time.
But OP kindly agreed to look after DSS until the 8am Monday collection Ex said she would now be doing.

So it wasn't DH's plan - it was both OP & DH's.
OP stuck to the plan.
Ex broke it. Firstly by saying she wouldn't bother showing up til 11, then by guilt-tripping OP to take DSS along with her 4 year old for the entire day out.

OP was perfectly within her rights to refuse the guilt-trip & stick to the original plan for DSS to return to him mum's early on Monday.
As the Ex has form for this behaviour & OP is wise to her, she blocked her so she didn't have to see a stream of CF messages.

No recriminations, no pettyness, no world war 3.

If Ex then chose to pester DH about it - that's unfortunate, but he's the bio parent, It's HIS job to deal with Ex's flakiness, not OP's.
All she has done is put in a hard boundary (no you cannot change your plans, foist your child on me, or send me reams of texts) - it's not her job to manage the Ex's demands.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 17:56

Done out of duty of to the husband and not out of love for the child. It's normal but still doesn't make it easy for the kid

What absolute bullshit.
OP describes DSS as a "lovely boy" who she has fun with.
She shares a home with him 4 days out of 7.
Her own DH told her she didn't need to accept the extra night - so calling her motivation "duty to her husband" is nonsensical.
She did it because she likes the child & was happy to help out the mother.

It backfired because the mother is a flaky CF - not because OP doesn't love DSS sufficiently.
Why do you feel the need to persistently misascribe motivations & malign OP here, @Emilylp ?

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 17:58

@CottonCandy11 bet you didn't expect this towering inferno of a thread in response to your simple question! - hope you are laughing up your sleeve at some of the more hysterical inventions.

YANBU btw ... if my thousand posts haven't already tipped you the wink ... 😂

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 18:07

AbbieWhelan · 16/08/2022 15:13

I don’t think this situation was handled well by any adults in the situation tbh.
if OP felt so strongly that SS couldn’t go with her on her day out with her son, she should have said she couldn’t watch him and that way the boy would have gone home normal time OR his dad would have had no choice but to rearrange work plans (just like the rest of us)

the OPS DH should have said “yes that’s fine and I’ll work it around work” or knowing OP had plans could have potentially asked a family member for help incase this situation cropped up?

as for the boys mum itself, I think it’s worrying that she has prioritised socialising over her boy tbh, that itself is disturbing.

most weird of all the other step parent (mums partner) the mum doesn’t want him left with him? How is your husband not questioning this OP!? It’s bizarre.

all adults in this have been irresponsible. OP comes across as she was more arsed about her day out with her son (kind of understandable to an extent) and also gave off the vibe she was after the mum having a bollocking for what’s happened proper adult tit for tat!, when in fact if this was my stepdaughters I wouldn’t want them anywhere near a horrible atmosphere or even be willing to take them home to be in any position to be in the middle of that? What on earth..

DH should have communicated properly with his ex and come home from work when he found out she hadn’t shown up!

mum should have prioritised son over socialising and should really be going out on the nights OP and his dad has him!

her partner, what a sorry excuse the mums partner is and if I was her I wouldn’t be with a man that didn’t accept my previous child as that’s how this comes across.

OP blocking just seems petty and shitty tbh, understandable if she’d sent a horrible text message then you block her, but to just do it anyway? Very childish. All the adults in this situation need to grow up, you should ALL be able to communicate with each other and be respectful of that. Not just blocking someone and making a point for literally no reason?

my stepdaughters mum has mine and my husband’s number, incase of emergency Yano like incase she falls and breaks her leg and she needs one of us to collect the children! Very silly to just block someone when all adults should be able to put differences aside for the sake of ALL children involved.

I feel for this little boy, yesterday he probably had a feeling of not knowing what was going on! And come on people.. he would have known about the day out! I only have to say a tiny thing to my 4yr old and he tells the whole house! Don’t be daft and open your eyes😂😂 ofcourse he’d of known his half brother was going out, and ofcourse he’s going to know OP was annoyed!! He’s 9? Not bloody 3😂😂 she was annoyed enough to come and create a post on mumsnet slagging his mum off! Your telling me she wouldn’t have said anything at all to anyone?

absolutely ridiculous and people on here are thick if they genuinely think the drop off was just “ohh bye have a good day” then waving at the other step parent and being on her merry way.. while the 9 year old was non the wiser of there planned day out and also her angry and frustrated emotions towards his mum.. come on!😂😂

again we only have one side of a story here..

all adults have been shit in this situation! If it was me I’d have just took him along, enjoyed the day no matter what! Knowing siblings are having time together aswell and dropped him off at a later time.. would it have been that bad really? For one day!?

☝️☝️ this!!!!!

The mums new partner seems to have been painted in an awful light ... We don't know the facts people. Maybe he's got a demanding job ect and the ex is a sahm or maybe they haven't been together that long - we simply do not know but op has stated he's seem nice ect, Right the ma shouldn't have went on the piss ect

As a pp said perhaps the SD had work that morning and was leaving the baby to childminder, there could be a very genuine reason why he wasn't able to take DC but op seemed to find it amusing that dropping DSS of at the door would cause problems between this couple which isn't very nice ...

I agree with you - all adults need to to better for the sake of all the children

Op is wise to now stay out of it and let her DH sort out child care arrangements for his son - if she feels she's being used as a free childminder ect it's going to lead to more resentment which will eventually cause problems in the marriage.

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 18:11

Yousee · 16/08/2022 15:22

So basically on the one hand the DM is bad because she did not put her child first, and on the other hand OP is bad because she did put her child first...
Right-o 👍

Yeah - seems like no one is putting the older child first. Could have been better handled by all involved

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 18:28

Yeah - seems like no one is putting the older child first. Could have been better handled by all involved

You spectacularly missed the point of that comment.

LightningAndRainbows · 16/08/2022 18:30

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 18:11

Yeah - seems like no one is putting the older child first. Could have been better handled by all involved

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Eh? Is that what you got from that comment.

AbbieWhelan · 16/08/2022 19:24

@Quia I don’t really know why you felt the need to pick apart my comment🤣 someone has farrrr to much time on there hands,
as for your comment, I really don’t give a shit I still stand by everything I said☺️.

Tandora · 16/08/2022 20:46

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 17:07

Then they fail to inderstand that their are different levels to love (if indeed the stepchild is loved by the stepparent. They can be warm and friendly towards them, and care for them, but that is different to love), most parents won’t love a niece or nephew in the same way they would love their own child for example. Parents are also only responsible for their own child/ren, no one else’s.

So it doesn’t matter what OP would do if they were both her children she was responsible for, they’re not.

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of course there are different levels of love. The question is what would OP do if she loved the child like a mother?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2022 20:53

The question is what would OP do if she loved the child like a mother?

DSS actual mother no doubt claims to love him and she couldn’t wait to palm him off so she could go out on the lash and then didn’t want him back so she could indulge a hangover.

Makes OP look pretty amazing doesn’t she?

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 20:53

of course there are different levels of love. The question is what would OP do if she loved the child like a mother?

Why is that the question, though? It's not a normal line of questioning unless your implication is that that is how she SHOULD have to conduct herself - as though she was his mother.

loosebutton · 16/08/2022 21:25

Tandora · 16/08/2022 20:46

of course there are different levels of love. The question is what would OP do if she loved the child like a mother?

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Why is that the fucking question?!!!

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 22:17

Tandora · 16/08/2022 20:46

of course there are different levels of love. The question is what would OP do if she loved the child like a mother?

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What would she do if she loved the child like she loves chocolate? Or her grandma? Or her pet fish? All questions that are equally as relevant as yours. He’s not her own child, so it doesn’t matter what she would do if he was, or if she loved him like he was, because that has no bearing on actual reality.

Mybumlooksbig · 16/08/2022 22:24

Yanbu.
But...Am I the only one who thinks it's quite sad that a 9 year old has a key of his own..

RoseAndRose · 16/08/2022 22:28

Mybumlooksbig · 16/08/2022 22:24

Yanbu.
But...Am I the only one who thinks it's quite sad that a 9 year old has a key of his own..

Quite possibly - most DC are delighted as its a sign of being grown up.

it doesn’t mean they’re often home alone though - especially if it’s a blended family, so person dropping off can be let in by child to wait, rather than having an ex with a key. Very sensible arrangement. Though not needed this specific time as an adult was at home.

scabbers44 · 16/08/2022 22:34

Ffs how is op unreasonable? The mother seems more focused on going out on her contact time with her son. If I had 50:50 with my child I would make damn sure I was present for my time with them. She sounds like she's got her priorities all wrong, unlike the op who genuinely wanted to spend one on one time with her own ds. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I do feel sorry for the dss, mainly because his mum sounds like she doesn't give two hoots not because of anything the op has done.

Quia · 16/08/2022 22:56

AbbieWhelan · 16/08/2022 19:24

@Quia I don’t really know why you felt the need to pick apart my comment🤣 someone has farrrr to much time on there hands,
as for your comment, I really don’t give a shit I still stand by everything I said☺️.

That's richly ironic considering the length of your post.

Feel free to stand by what you said even though so much was based on an inaccurate understanding of the facts. So long as you accept that people can't attach any weight to it on that basis.

RealityTV · 17/08/2022 01:21

@CottonCandy11, the CHILD is paramount! Step mom YOU signed up to be with a guy who had a child already. Whether you like it or not, this is something YOU bought into! His mother might be the biggest tool in the world, but YOU can't take that out on him! If you agreed to watch him, then watch him. HE IS YOUR SON TOO! Whether you want to classify him differently doesn't matter. He's STILL your son too. The mother acted up and infringed on your time, which is absolutely an inconvenience, but if you agreed to watch him, then do just that! And, take him with you if it gets to be over the time for your appointment! Blended families are just that - BLENDED! Sometimes one of the sides is weaker than the other and sometimes not. Don't be mad! If you agree to do something, you take on the responsibility knowing that his mother might not come through as expected. If you know you have an appointment, next time you refuse! However, you don't accept the job and then get mad because a quirk comes your way. Take it on the chin. Pretty soon DS will be old enough to watch himself and this won't be an issue! Instead of looking at it as a bad thing, look at it as a chance to bond even DEEPER with the child! Stepmoms like you don't know how to do things correctly. When you create an environment that is SO loving and SO warm that the child PREFERS you to the mom, YOU win and the child wins! You know how the mom is, so NEVER put yourself in that situation again if you can help it, but since you did this time, just do the right thing and suck it up!

PlentyOFool · 17/08/2022 02:35

RealityTV · 17/08/2022 01:21

@CottonCandy11, the CHILD is paramount! Step mom YOU signed up to be with a guy who had a child already. Whether you like it or not, this is something YOU bought into! His mother might be the biggest tool in the world, but YOU can't take that out on him! If you agreed to watch him, then watch him. HE IS YOUR SON TOO! Whether you want to classify him differently doesn't matter. He's STILL your son too. The mother acted up and infringed on your time, which is absolutely an inconvenience, but if you agreed to watch him, then do just that! And, take him with you if it gets to be over the time for your appointment! Blended families are just that - BLENDED! Sometimes one of the sides is weaker than the other and sometimes not. Don't be mad! If you agree to do something, you take on the responsibility knowing that his mother might not come through as expected. If you know you have an appointment, next time you refuse! However, you don't accept the job and then get mad because a quirk comes your way. Take it on the chin. Pretty soon DS will be old enough to watch himself and this won't be an issue! Instead of looking at it as a bad thing, look at it as a chance to bond even DEEPER with the child! Stepmoms like you don't know how to do things correctly. When you create an environment that is SO loving and SO warm that the child PREFERS you to the mom, YOU win and the child wins! You know how the mom is, so NEVER put yourself in that situation again if you can help it, but since you did this time, just do the right thing and suck it up!

What The Fuck ARE you on about?? You're making it sound like she dropped him off at the docks on shore leave night. Please get a grip.

Op, glad you had a great day with your son. You did exactly what I would've done and honestly, you sound like a decent SM.

Yousee · 17/08/2022 03:49

That was a hilarious little RANT.

WINNING a child from their MOM by allowing everyone to take the PISS out of you on the daily, creating DRAMA where there need not be ANY, all under the delusion that it makes you a better PERSON and, worse, that you unknowingly adopted a CHILD when you thought you were signing a MARRIAGE certificate.

The government is clearly going to have to look at the paperwork and see how it can be simplified for these people who get themselves in such a muddle. CAN'T they get anything RIGHT?!? 🙄

LovelaceBiggWither · 17/08/2022 04:52

Wow I never realised my role as a SM was to effectively STEAL their affections from their actual mother.

RedWingBoots · 17/08/2022 05:18

LovelaceBiggWither · 17/08/2022 04:52

Wow I never realised my role as a SM was to effectively STEAL their affections from their actual mother.

Don't overstep!

You are suppose to bleed for them but you mustn't discipline them.

Didn't you read the step-mother's laws to live by book?

iRun2eatCake · 17/08/2022 06:41

Have been reading since the start and l am totally on the YANBU side with anything.

Action's have consequences and the SM crossed the line with lack of respect for you.

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself to the martyr's on here.

MiniMeMama · 17/08/2022 08:02

I'd either take DSS with me, demand his DF pays or he stays off work.
I have no experience of being a step child so have no idea how it would feel having no one willing to look after you.