To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

You are not a stepparent so your tug of priorities are different. Step children do in fact come before nieces and nephews and God children because they are (should) be part of the immediate family unit as they would be siblings (half) to any new children in the relationship - which again is closer than a cousin ect. Not a criticism on how you feel at all

This is debatable. Many people feel closer to their nieces/nephews than their step children.

I don’t think this situation was handled well by any adults in the situation tbh.
if OP felt so strongly that SS couldn’t go with her on her day out with her son, she should have said she couldn’t watch him and that way the boy would have gone home normal time OR his dad would have had no choice but to rearrange work plans (just like the rest of us)

the OPS DH should have said “yes that’s fine and I’ll work it around work” or knowing OP had plans could have potentially asked a family member for help incase this situation cropped up?

as for the boys mum itself, I think it’s worrying that she has prioritised socialising over her boy tbh, that itself is disturbing.

most weird of all the other step parent (mums partner) the mum doesn’t want him left with him? How is your husband not questioning this OP!? It’s bizarre.

all adults in this have been irresponsible. OP comes across as she was more arsed about her day out with her son (kind of understandable to an extent) and also gave off the vibe she was after the mum having a bollocking for what’s happened proper adult tit for tat!, when in fact if this was my stepdaughters I wouldn’t want them anywhere near a horrible atmosphere or even be willing to take them home to be in any position to be in the middle of that? What on earth..

DH should have communicated properly with his ex and come home from work when he found out she hadn’t shown up!

mum should have prioritised son over socialising and should really be going out on the nights OP and his dad has him!

her partner, what a sorry excuse the mums partner is and if I was her I wouldn’t be with a man that didn’t accept my previous child as that’s how this comes across.

OP blocking just seems petty and shitty tbh, understandable if she’d sent a horrible text message then you block her, but to just do it anyway? Very childish. All the adults in this situation need to grow up, you should ALL be able to communicate with each other and be respectful of that. Not just blocking someone and making a point for literally no reason?

my stepdaughters mum has mine and my husband’s number, incase of emergency Yano like incase she falls and breaks her leg and she needs one of us to collect the children! Very silly to just block someone when all adults should be able to put differences aside for the sake of ALL children involved.

I feel for this little boy, yesterday he probably had a feeling of not knowing what was going on! And come on people.. he would have known about the day out! I only have to say a tiny thing to my 4yr old and he tells the whole house! Don’t be daft and open your eyes😂😂 ofcourse he’d of known his half brother was going out, and ofcourse he’s going to know OP was annoyed!! He’s 9? Not bloody 3😂😂 she was annoyed enough to come and create a post on mumsnet slagging his mum off! Your telling me she wouldn’t have said anything at all to anyone?

absolutely ridiculous and people on here are thick if they genuinely think the drop off was just “ohh bye have a good day” then waving at the other step parent and being on her merry way.. while the 9 year old was non the wiser of there planned day out and also her angry and frustrated emotions towards his mum.. come on!😂😂

again we only have one side of a story here..

all adults have been shit in this situation! If it was me I’d have just took him along, enjoyed the day no matter what! Knowing siblings are having time together aswell and dropped him off at a later time.. would it have been that bad really? For one day!?

Yea and many people feel closer to their best friend than they do their sister.... You or your partner don't have parental responsibility for your niece or nephew - I know the SM doesn't have PR, I'm referring to the father

So basically on the one hand the DM is bad because she did not put her child first, and on the other hand OP is bad because she did put her child first...
Right-o 👍

Do they? When was that decreed, and who buy? Got a link to that particular statute?

Yea and many people feel closer to their best friend than they do their sister.... You or your partner don't have parental responsibility for your niece or nephew - I know the SM doesn't have PR, I'm referring to the father

If you're referring to the father, then why did you frame it from the SM's POV?

To be fair, I had gone on a bit!

We haven't seen eye to eye on this thread at all @Endlesslypatient82 - but you've been commendably gracious with your response here & I hope I'm big enough to acknowledge that properly

Because that wasn't the issue, which OP has since answered. It was Monday morning. He was getting ready to drop the baby off at nursery in the morning and go to work himself. By dropping off his stepson, he couldn't go to work.

It is a pretty major reach, to be honest. It certainly isn't the immediate explanation that most people would think of.

I don’t think this situation was handled well by any adults in the situation tbh.
if OP felt so strongly that SS couldn’t go with her on her day out with her son, she should have said she couldn’t watch him and that way the boy would have gone home normal time OR his dad would have had no choice but to rearrange work plans (just like the rest of us)

OP did. She said he could only stay over on condition that he was collected by 8 a.m. His mother agreed to that.

the OPS DH should have said “yes that’s fine and I’ll work it around work” or knowing OP had plans could have potentially asked a family member for help incase this situation cropped up?

Why did he need to "work it around work" when a perfectly sensible agreement had been arrived at? As for the idea that someone with a work commitment that entails leaving at 4 a.m. on a Monday morning can somehow cancel that on Sunday night, that is just fantasy. And precisely which family member do you have in mind, bearing in mind you have no idea whether there are any such people within travelling distance?

as for the boys mum itself, I think it’s worrying that she has prioritised socialising over her boy tbh, that itself is disturbing.

Well, yes. Why do you need to look beyond this, given that she is the one who messed up all the arrangements.

most weird of all the other step parent (mums partner) the mum doesn’t want him left with him? How is your husband not questioning this OP!? It’s bizarre.

Maybe he knows more about the situation than you do? We know that the son gets on OK with his stepdad and was fine when dropped off to be in his sole care. As discussed, it may well be that the mother's concerns arose because she'd spun her new partner a load of lies about OP inviting the child out and didn't want to be found out.

all adults in this have been irresponsible. OP comes across as she was more arsed about her day out with her son (kind of understandable to an extent)

Why only to an extent? She'd made plans for her 4 year old on a day when she had no other commitments. It's perfectly reasonable to be more arsed about letting him down.

DH should have communicated properly with his ex and come home from work when he found out she hadn’t shown up!

He was 3 hours into his journey by the time he found out that was a possibility. Spending 3 hours travelling back wouldn't have helped OP, and wasn't necessary as he had a home to go to and a perfectly capable stepparent to look after him.

Whoops, looks like I missed this memo!

As you recommend her taking DSS on the day out, could you also please recommend a DeLorean dealer so she can go back in time to comply with your recommendation?

If it was me I’d have just took him along, enjoyed the day no matter what! Knowing siblings are having time together aswell and dropped him off at a later time.. would it have been that bad really? For one day!?

It was pre-booked. How do you know OP would have even been able to get another ticket for DSS? And how exactly do you guarantee that a 9 year old is going to enjoy a day at an activity designed to appeal to 4 year olds? Don't you think he might have preferred a day at home amongst his own stuff doing what he wants to do? He'd just had four days with his sibling, it's not as if that aspect is such an unusual treat for him.

@AbbieWhelan, your post is a masterclass in "How to tell people you haven't read the OP's posts without saying you haven't read the OP's posts".

I would’ve taken him with me, but can understand why others wouldn’t want to, I don’t like the sound of this ‘partner’ one bit either.

I would’ve taken him with me, but can understand why others wouldn’t want to, I don’t like the sound of this ‘partner’ one bit either.

I would’ve taken him with me, but can understand why others wouldn’t want to, I don’t like the sound of this ‘partner’ one bit either.

Step children do in fact come before nieces and nephews and God children because they are (should) be part of the immediate family unit

yes they should on paper
but not as easy as that when we are dealing with love

Step children do in fact come before nieces and nephews and God children

Oh look another made up rule that if you do not follow = evil Step Mother 🤣🤣🤣

Thanks and definitely

In a nutshell.

Asking what I'd do with a biological child is irrelevant because that's not the situation

the reason people are asking this is not because they fail to understand that “it is not the situation”, the reason people are asking is to see if you can consider the situation from the point of view of someone who actually loves the child. Somebody who actually loves the child would wonder what the situation looks like from the child’s perspective and prioritise their needs. If that were your perspective would you take the same action?

Then they fail to inderstand that their are different levels to love (if indeed the stepchild is loved by the stepparent. They can be warm and friendly towards them, and care for them, but that is different to love), most parents won’t love a niece or nephew in the same way they would love their own child for example. Parents are also only responsible for their own child/ren, no one else’s.

So it doesn’t matter what OP would do if they were both her children she was responsible for, they’re not.

I think for the children, their half brothers and sisters are likely to be dear to them. Perhaps, dearer than cousins, perhaps the same. I know adult half-siblings who have a lovely bond in their thirties/forties despite parents and step-parents not getting on, and despite things being pretty gruesome, back in the day, with some unfair parenting, which I don't think you'd get today, in more enlightened times.

Today, we accept that keeping things happy and civilised is certainly best for the children. When we grown ups are in care home or dead, the children will be enjoying their own kids and their extended family and making the most of what love has been allowed to take root and grow.

I feel the old tit for tat we often indulge in can only lead to an escalation of tensions and not seeing so much of each other and the kids not experiencing true, sincere and affectionate relationships. We can't will ourselves to live for 200 years, or outlive our offspring, so we need to nurture and foster conditions which will give the best chance of healthy, open communications. Kids are not just mini-mes, who provide us with cute times, they are people who need a close support network around them.
It strikes me that OP husband must be feeling pretty rubbish that, from miles away, and with limited chance to pick up phone calls, he's tried to put in place a plan to help out ex wife, only to have it unleash a World War 3 of pettiness and recrimination. No doubt the call blocking will cause recrimination about who's being irresponsible and blah, blah, blah, 'he always tries to accommodate his ex wife', etc.and it will all be life- disenhancing instead of positive.

It's not about what the adults may have wanted to do, or not do.

It's about doing what was right for the child - in this case, getting him home to his mum's, as he expected, early yesterday morning. He'd already had his going-back-to-mum's time delayed once, he didn't need to know that mum had chosen to let him down yet again.

I doubt DSS would have been thrilled to be made to tag along to an event for 4 year olds, instead of being allowed to go home where he has all his own entertainments.

@Diverseopinions have you actually read the OP's posts?

Her DH told her not to help his ex out. She helped out because it wasn't a bother to her. The OP's reward for being helpful was that her husband's ex tried to exploit the OP's good will.

It is very likely her husband's ex also exploits her own DP, the step-father. Hence the step-father's refusal for being dumped with the step-son.

Now the child's mother has 3 adults who will refuse to help her have nights out due to her habit of exploiting people's good nature.

And the OP is right to block the mother. They have no reason to be in contact anyway as the OP is not her step-son's parent.