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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/08/2022 07:22

OP says in her latest update “DS really enjoyed it too just being us.” Where are all the hearts breaking for this little boy who would have missed out on his pre-planned day out for just him and his mummy had OP prioritised her DSS over him? And before anyone says “well at least he gets to live with both his parents” do you really think a 4yo would understand that? All he’ll see is his own mother setting his wants and needs aside for another child who has his own parents. It’s not a 4yo’s job to be the bigger person and miss out because his brother’s mum is taking the piss again.

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:23

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:08

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

What is it you are doing which is suitable for a 4yo but not a 9 yo ? How about putting the child a the centre of this ?

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:25

DebussytoaDiscoBeat

My DCs love a bit of one on one time. I don't get upset if it doesn't happen. These boys are brothers, it's just the way it is. * *

Quia · 16/08/2022 07:27

DSS may not have been aware of the outing you had planned but kids are smart and know when their not wanted - being packed up and dropped back to mums as soon as he had breakfast - probably didn't feel great.

By that token, no parent should ever take just one child out if it means leaving another behind, even if the outing is something that would never conceivably interest that child and they would far rather stay at home with another parent. We should all drag our teenagers around Peppa Pig World, and our under 5s to pop concerts. That just isn't the real world.

Quia · 16/08/2022 07:28

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:25

DebussytoaDiscoBeat

My DCs love a bit of one on one time. I don't get upset if it doesn't happen. These boys are brothers, it's just the way it is. * *

The issue isn't whether the parent gets upset, though, is it?

Yousee · 16/08/2022 07:29

How about putting the child a the centre of this ?
OP did precisely that. She put her own child at the centre of her day as planned. She returned her DSS to his mother's home as planned.

RoseAndRose · 16/08/2022 07:29

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:23

What is it you are doing which is suitable for a 4yo but not a 9 yo ? How about putting the child a the centre of this ?

Show quote history

You really don’t think there’s any difference between what’s suitable for over-8s v those who have not yet started school?

And there’s nothing wrong with arranging things for DC on days when your step DC are with their other parent.

OP had already extended DSD’s stay by one night, and dropped him off at the time he was expecting to go home.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 07:30

@Goldencup a child's needs come before an adults needs or wants but this child did not need to be with the OP and her 4 year old. The activity might have been a theatre trip to a cbeebies show ..cringily dull for a 9 yo..loads of things 4 yo would love but not a 9 yo. The child in question was going home, as planned, to a step parent and sibling. That's it. He wasn't dumped into an empty house or left with a childminder or anything else. His needs were perfectly well met. It's highly likely he'd rather be home with his x box or Lego than dragged round a petting zoo or whatever it was.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/08/2022 07:42

Cause a big fuss here, get your partner in on this also and say that he has to come back. Even if he can’t, you really need to make very, very clear that this is not on

Eh? Say that he has to come back

If I left for work at 4am , presumably because I had to get somewhere and my DP phoned me up and said "Ohhhh you need to come home now because I'm not capable of transporting your 9yo from our house to his house where his step-dad is " ................................

Words fail .
Talk about a bout over reaction Hmm.

LearnedAxolotl · 16/08/2022 07:44

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:23

What is it you are doing which is suitable for a 4yo but not a 9 yo ? How about putting the child a the centre of this ?

Show quote history

How about the kids own mother putting him at the centre of things instead of getting drunk and dumping him on the stepmum?

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 07:53

Quia · 16/08/2022 07:27

DSS may not have been aware of the outing you had planned but kids are smart and know when their not wanted - being packed up and dropped back to mums as soon as he had breakfast - probably didn't feel great.

By that token, no parent should ever take just one child out if it means leaving another behind, even if the outing is something that would never conceivably interest that child and they would far rather stay at home with another parent. We should all drag our teenagers around Peppa Pig World, and our under 5s to pop concerts. That just isn't the real world.

You completely missed my point here!! It was in response to an earlier comment

Quoted from OP "Just to add, DSS doesn't know about my planned day out. He doesn't know he's missing out on anything"

My point was the child will feel unwanted. Day out or no day out.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 16/08/2022 07:54

I think yanbu and you did the right thing. You know the Ex and her motives, everyone here who is trying to come up with possible reasons why the ex was perfectly reasonable not to collect her son when planned are doing the usual thing of making out the evil step-M is always wrong.

LightningAndRainbows · 16/08/2022 07:58

LearnedAxolotl · 16/08/2022 07:44

How about the kids own mother putting him at the centre of things instead of getting drunk and dumping him on the stepmum?

Show quote history

This times 100! The mum here is the one who needs a talking to.

HandbagAtDawn · 16/08/2022 07:59

Step mothers being blamed for and made responsible for the crap behaviour of the parents. It’s not step mothers’ jobs to ‘fix’ the family that the parents broke up. That’s the job of both the parents.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 08:01

@Emilylp but why would he feel unwanted? He is returning home AS PLANNED the only difference is he had an extra night at his dad's and his mum will be back a bit later. Can we please try and act like this is the real world where actually we don't all cherish every possible moment with our kids at all times and wouldn't necessarily jump at the chance to spend every moment with them. It's not healthy for kids to think they are absolute centre of the world and that their adults should drop everything to accommodate their every whim (and this is leaving aside the fact this child, as far as we know, didn't even want to stay.) There is literally no drama here as far as this kid in this scenario is concerned.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/08/2022 08:06

Funny how a 4yo with less concept of plans changing is expected to just shrug off missing his 1-1 time with mum yet a 9yo being dropped off back home with his other step-parent at the (revised) planned time is expected to traumatised at the rejection. Great logic.

RoseAndRose · 16/08/2022 08:09

My point was the child will feel unwanted. Day out or no day out

Why? he’s had an extra night with his DDad and is returning to his DMum’s as planned. If her not being due back until 1100 (thus leaving him with a step parent for 2.5 hours) is going to make him feel unwanted, that’s an issue with the DMum’s household, isn’t it?

KyaClark · 16/08/2022 08:14

The child may well feel unwanted...

Because he wasn't allowed to go home because someone the poor child is forced to live with refuses to look after him!

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 08:16

Goldencup · 16/08/2022 07:25

DebussytoaDiscoBeat

My DCs love a bit of one on one time. I don't get upset if it doesn't happen. These boys are brothers, it's just the way it is. * *

Presumably they’re both your children? That you’re equally responsible for?

OP has one child. One. She booked a day to have one-on-one time with him. Of course she’s going to be upset if her stepson‘s mother tries to dump her responsibilities and disrupt the day.

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 08:16

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 08:01

@Emilylp but why would he feel unwanted? He is returning home AS PLANNED the only difference is he had an extra night at his dad's and his mum will be back a bit later. Can we please try and act like this is the real world where actually we don't all cherish every possible moment with our kids at all times and wouldn't necessarily jump at the chance to spend every moment with them. It's not healthy for kids to think they are absolute centre of the world and that their adults should drop everything to accommodate their every whim (and this is leaving aside the fact this child, as far as we know, didn't even want to stay.) There is literally no drama here as far as this kid in this scenario is concerned.

Ahh because he was unwanted - let's be real!

I completely understand the pov of op, I really do but how the ex behaves is not DSS fault. On going conflict between his mother and stepmother will lead to drama.

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 08:20

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 08:16

Ahh because he was unwanted - let's be real!

I completely understand the pov of op, I really do but how the ex behaves is not DSS fault. On going conflict between his mother and stepmother will lead to drama.

Show quote history

So the best course of action is consistent doormattery, cloaked as virtue? Yeah, fuck that.

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 08:28

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 08:20

So the best course of action is consistent doormattery, cloaked as virtue? Yeah, fuck that.

Show quote history

Doormattery? Her DH has just a much responsibility for the child as the ex. It was him who needed op to look after ds as he was working - he could have said no to ex when asked to keep him an extra night

RoseAndRose · 16/08/2022 08:32

he could have said no to ex when asked to keep him an extra night

Yes, he could, but having consulted OP he agreed because the (then) proposal worked for them and of course they wanted him

It’s not on them that his DMum flaked

Yousee · 16/08/2022 08:34

He could have said no, but OP offered to keep the child until his mother arrived to collect him.
As a favour.
Which was then taken the piss out of..
Still no explanation of how being dropped off at 8.30 by SM instead of picked up by DM at 8 would lead to the DSS feeling unwanted. He ended up exactly where he expected to be, only half an hour later. What must we catastrophise?

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 08:39

Emilylp · 16/08/2022 08:28

Doormattery? Her DH has just a much responsibility for the child as the ex. It was him who needed op to look after ds as he was working - he could have said no to ex when asked to keep him an extra night

Show quote history

Yes, doormattery. Taking whatever shit someone feels inclined to dump on you and, laughably, telling yourself it’s somehow a noble endeavour.

No, you’re just telling everyone to feel free to walk all over you because you’ll happily lay down and take it. I’m not sure if you have genuinely believe that’s a great way to live your life and/or a great lesson to children, or you’re misery wanting company. Suppose that’s the difference between masochism and sadism.

They agreed to have him an extra night and agreement was he would be dropped off/picked up at 8am. It was her responsibility to keep to her word and look after her son. The DH isn’t at fault here, he was at work when this occurred. God forbid anyone expect the mother to be responsible I suppose.