To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

Except his step dad WAS in so this would be totally unnecessary.

I'm very sorry about your experience @RoobarbandCustud

But you are projecting, & it's not necessary.
OP ensured that DSS knew nothing about his mother's refusal to collect him.
She was also wise enough to recognise that he'd much rather go home at 8am today as he expected to, instead of being dragged round an activity for 4 year olds that would have bored him rigid.

Wow your dad is a massive dick.

But that isn't what happened in this situation

If the kid is going to be dumped on a stepparent to look after it might as well be the one who is in a relationship with the parent who is meant to be looking after them at that time.

Jeez some of the projection on this thread is astounding.

Cause a big fuss here, get your partner in on this also and say that he has to come back. Even if he can’t, you really need to make very, very clear that this is not on.

However your greatest action is to never do this again and be very clear that you are not the babysitter. This isn’t a nice situation to be in, and if you take on this again in future, the poor kid is likely to be in another situation. And kids aren’t stupid, he knows his Mum has put him in this position and it’s awful to be in as a child.

@KettrickenSmiled in that case I am flattered. You picked on my post remember?

Exactly! And the hate and misogynistic expectations for stepmums. This is why SM don't post on AIBU. Or MN much. Seriously its like playing MN stepmum bingo-I;m just missing 'were you the OW'?
OP @CottonCandy11 you did the right thing, glad you and your boy had a good day! Sometimes its only fair to put your child first.
I'm a SM, I knew when I married DH DSC came as part of the package. I treat them fairly and kindly and spent years protecting from their mum's dis interest, emotional neglect and week long parties. That does not mean I have to martyr myself for them. My own DC come first, I support DH and DSC and thats it.
Any more and I'm 'overstepping', DH has said they're not my kids. Fair enough. I;ve done their mum favours and she took the piss.
My fave was picking up her kids after I watched them for her. she called my DH to state distressed that i had another man visiting.
She wasn't wrong. It was my elderly father.
I blocked her then. Life's too short to play games.

I've never been a step-parent, so can't comment from that angle. I do have half-siblings, as my father left my mother when I was 18 and started a new family. I don't consider their mother as a 'step-mother', as I'd already left home when he did this. I don't even really consider their daughters as sisters, although I'm now very fond of this part of the family. People who don't realise that what adults do to children when they're passed from pillar to post doesn't matter, because the child 'will be alright', are deluded.

Good for you OP, you didn’t do anything wrong and in fact did her a favour having DSS an extra night! Glad you enjoyed your day out 😊

Poor little boy, his family all fighting to not have him around.

Good for you op. These people need to focus on their own child and stop asking you to do their job for them.

Blimey. Hell of the long game you've got OP playing in this particularly loopy piece of fiction . . .

@Springtimeshowers have you actually read all of the OPs posts? Thats quite the mental gymnastics you're doing there to make her and her H having the lad an extra night into some Machievellian scheme to do one over on the mum. There is literally nothing to suggest she is mean or hard hearted. This lad was returned to a house with a sibling and a step parent in it, not a locked garage as @RoobarbandCustud would have it. He is not a "poor kiddywink" being passed from pillar to post at all. Split homes are an unfortunate fact of life for many kids and parents and it's less than ideal for all concerned but let's not suggest that the OP is doing anything wrong by asking the mum to stick to her original plans.

It's not that it's her duty to do it. She ows this woman absolutely nothing. But it would be very kind to think about the boy's feelings even if it means giving in, especially considering that no one else seems to give a shit about him. My heart breaks for the poor kid.

Well yeah it would be very kind but look its all fine as the other step parent has let him in. Bloody ridiculous that the step parents are sorting this out and not the parents, they, especially mum here, should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

Agree with this. Why can't you just tell her how you feel and be adult about it?

I'm not saying it's easy, but I'd do everything in my power to avoid conflict for dss and tbh own ds. Who wants angst and drama around the kids if you can at all avoid it.

The boys feelings are fine. He had no idea the op had plans with her 4 yo and probably wouldn't want to come anyway. He's going home to a perfectly competent step dad and sibling after having spent more than half the week at his dad's. It's not at all "no-one wants the kid around", but adults are allowed to make plans for what is meant to be child free time and they are allowed to not drop those plans at a moment's notice for the convenience of another adult. There's a huge amount of projection and exaggerated "impact"on here that does not remotely reflect the actual situation.

I'm glad you and DS had a lovely day. As for blocking the ex - completely your choice! Communication re DSS should be mainly done via your husband.

I get you had plans ect and wanted some one to one time but your DSS is a member of your family too. Imagine if it was the opposite way round and it was you with a child from a previous relationship - that child would be included in everything...right? You wouldn't want your DH to resent your biological child tagging along..?

I'm getting the vibe that you feel you're doing the ex a favour by having her son an extra night ....adust this mindset. When you commited to this man you also committed to his son. You're not doing her any favours - you are supporting your spouse with co-parenting.

Hats of to you for dealing with an ex on a regular basis, it is not for the faint hearted!! As for wanting her current partner to be annoyed with her - that is unreasonable. I don't know how often you have DSS but don't forget that when he's with his mum (which is presumably more often than with you and your husband) he's with his stepdad too so maybe this guy does step up and maybe they want your DSS to feel just as important within your family unit as he does in theirs? The fact she offered to send money in my head suggests that she's not a user or taking the Micky. What you and your DH do for this child you do for him - not his Mother or her partner. As others have said, this situation is not his fault.

DSS and DS are brothers, they're both a huge part of your DH! Forget her motives, or her new family setup ect and step up and be an amazing step-mother for YOUR family.

DSS may not have been aware of the outing you had planned but kids are smart and know when their not wanted - being packed up and dropped back to mums as soon as he had breakfast - probably didn't feel great.

@Emilylp
You are falling into the same old trap as many PP.

1. You can say "family" all you like but ultimately OP probably has dozens of people who fall under that heading and she still only has the one child, who was to be her focus that day.
2. The DH would have every right to spend one on one time with his one and only child even if OP brought 20 elder children into the relationship.
3. "When OP commited to this man" she did not commit to being a member of staff to facilitate his ex girlfriends social life, she kindly offered to help and her kindness was taken advantage of. Although staff members are entitled to proper working hours and respect for their time so thats not even that good a comparison to be fair.
4. The child was expecting his mum to collect him at 8am. Instead OP dropped him off at 8.30 to his main home, step father and half sibling. His FAMILY, In other words. Not sure what there is to cause any trauma there.

If your point was that the only acceptable thing to happen was for OP to give up her plans for the day's based on this woman's whim, I wonder what that is?

Even though it was a pre-booked event and you didn't have a ticket for him? And even though this wasn't a case of a child being left to huddle in cold garage, but one of a child going back to his home where his stepfather, with whom he gets on well, was available? Why would you assume as a stepparent that you are somehow better than the other stepparent?

I think it’s very sad if her partner genuinely won’t look after his stepson. Although legally not his stepchild, if they’re serious enough to live together and also have a child together then he should also look after her child when she goes out imo. It isn’t providing childcare, it’s his stepchild. If he didn’t want this sort of responsibility, he shouldn’t have settled down with someone who already had a child. Just get the feeling from her reaction that her partner will have been angry in some way at DSS being dropped off which is beyond sad.

Glad you had a fun day, you did the right thing.

This is completely irrational. Why would OP want to prove a point? The mother had proved flaky countless times before, why would anyone need to demonstrate her flakiness again? The danger of his mother not collecting when agreed presumably arises every time DSS goes to his father, keeping him an extra night doesn't change that one iota. Why would it have been more decent or kindhearted to refuse to have him the extra night?

Why should his father feel ashamed? All he did was go to work in the belief that his child's mother was going to pick him up as arranged. Was he supposed to put his job in danger on the off-chance that she might not?