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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 15/08/2022 20:55

Good for you OP. Glad you enjoyed your day. CFers deserve to be called out. DSS has two fully functioning parents and you are neither of them.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 15/08/2022 21:11

Glad you and DS enjoyed your day OP, has DH said whether he's heard from ex? I'm hoping she's lying low because she knows she was out of order but realise that might be overly optimistic!

kateandme · 15/08/2022 21:11

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 19:57

Hi all, thanks for all the replies. There's so many!

A few PPs have mentioned it 'only happening twice in 3 years'. This isn't the case. But they are the two times it's been only me it's impacted. She does it to DH all the time. Will be late to pick up, ask him to do extra days if she wants to go somewhere and then lay on the thick guilt trip him if he says he can't. As I say, she's very selfish. It's just her nature it seems.

We had a lovely day, really enjoyed it and was glad I made the decision I did because I got my precious time with my boy. DSS is lovely but it wouldn't have been the same. DS really enjoyed it too just being us. He's flat out now!

Ex is still blocked. Not really interested in anything she has to say. If she needs to discuss DSS she can speak to DH from now on.

You absolutely did the right thing.
there is the dss who is in the middle of this though.and I totally support your own decision on this.it’s not your problem to fix.but he is your family now and I’d be concerned for him.and the impact this will slowly be happening on him if he’s aware at all of what’s happening regarding uis care of lack of.
the lateness.passed across.mum never being there when she should is really going to effect him.could your dh discuss or think more on this.really reassure your dss of his essential part be in the family.it can’t feel very safe and secure for him.

fifteenohfour · 15/08/2022 21:13

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whynotwhatknot · 15/08/2022 21:15

glad you had a nice day

dh needs to grow a pair really what can she guilt trip him with shes the one who fucks off when its her contact time

XingMing · 15/08/2022 21:27

@Sharrowgirl I understand where you stand on this, but it's a parenting matter, Your evening out with a promising new boyfriend and all the excitement, or an evening parenting the child you already have. One is more exciting than the other, and is the wrong answer. Monopoly .. again. or Cluedo.

XingMing · 15/08/2022 21:32

Whoops, apologies, I think my last post went on the wrong thread. Ignore me, please.

Blibbleflibble · 15/08/2022 21:36

Hope you had a nice day OP also I suspect the ex also had no intention of coming round at 11 and you would have got a text at 10:30 saying is it okay to pick up after lunch, then after 3pm, then before tea etc etc as the day progressed...

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:40

Foronenightonly22 · 15/08/2022 18:17

That’s what I was thinking.

Show quote history

OP says DSS gets on OK with him, so it looks like he's safe.

MeAndMyKatzen · 15/08/2022 21:44

YAANBU.

Drop him at home with the partner and have a lovely day with your son. Tell your husband to step up and tell the ex to Foxtrot Oscar.

MooPooBoo · 15/08/2022 21:49

@KettrickenSmiled it appears you are the only one beating your chest. Calm the fuck down dear.

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:49

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 20:53

She does it to DH all the time. Will be late to pick up, ask him to do extra days if she wants to go somewhere and then lay on the thick guilt trip him if he says he can't. As I say, she's very selfish. It's just her nature it seems.

If she's struggling, maybe 'DH' should be doing more...

Where exactly does that say she is struggling?

Mumofsons87 · 15/08/2022 21:52

She clearly had a falling out with her partner for staying out all night ( understandably!) Or stayed out all night BECAUSE she had an argument with him and didn't want to give him the ammunition of picking up her parenting slack. You did the right thing. Who knows where she is and what she is up to and when she would have gotten back to collect him. The main thing is the boy thought he was going home in the morning, and was brought home in the morning. And you kept your plans amd didn't let your 4 year old down.

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:55

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 17:46

I don't think the ex has behaved well - but another poster has pointed out that this sort of thing happened, you say, three years ago. So it's not a common occurrence and there may have been a particular reason for her wanting more time for what she is doing. It's the summer holidays, and so parents have been entertaining their kids flat out and fitting in their own stuff, so I guess she is hard-pressed - as you are.

It's just a bit negative to not go that extra yard for a kiddywink. It's not really relevant what she is thinking and doing because life's better if you see it from the children's perspective.

So if (1) the child's mother and stepmother are both hard-pressed in the same way, (2) stepmother has been looking after the child for four nights one of which is an extra, and (3) mother has a partner at home to help out with younger child whilst stepmother's partner went out to work at 4 a.m. leaving her in sole cage - which of the two should go the extra mile for the mother's child?

As for the children's perspective, from DSS' perspective is his life better being dragged around something a 4 year old enjoys or going back to his home as planned?

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:56

sole charge, not sole cage

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 21:56

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:49

Where exactly does that say she is struggling?

Show quote history

Well, it doesn't but the majority of the thread is speculation and a woman who stays out all night, doesn't feel able to ask her partner for help, has a young baby, is often late to pick 9yo up or asking ex to have him more... doesn't sound as though she's in a great place, does it?

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 21:57

MooPooBoo · 15/08/2022 21:49

@KettrickenSmiled it appears you are the only one beating your chest. Calm the fuck down dear.

Thank you for your input @MooPooBoo
How flattering, to have you pick my post out of over 600.

Quia · 15/08/2022 21:58

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 21:56

Well, it doesn't but the majority of the thread is speculation and a woman who stays out all night, doesn't feel able to ask her partner for help, has a young baby, is often late to pick 9yo up or asking ex to have him more... doesn't sound as though she's in a great place, does it?

Show quote history

Possibly. Or another interpretation is that she's someone who's having a great social life, hence the fact that she keeps palming her child off on his dad.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 21:59

All this dsc must be treated as your own is utter shite.
You are allowed to discipline your own dc. You can say no. You can have behaviour expectations.
You can select their clothes /where they go /who they play with if necessary.
Being a step parent allows for none of that.
So how the hell can you treat a dsc like your own?
Good on you op. Glad you had a nice day.

Notmyyearthisyear · 15/08/2022 22:02

This thread is bloody depressing. Poor kid.

Goosygandy · 15/08/2022 22:08

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 18:24

Great stuff, your erroneous generalisations about us won't be missed.

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Also, the assumption that people who disagree with her (him?) must be a stepmother rather than just someone who thinks women don't have to be martyrs and that stepfathers can look after their stepchildren just as well as stepmothers?

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 22:11

Steady on @Goosygandy
You'll be telling us stepmums aren't all evil bitches with the dress sense of Maleficent next ...

RoobarbandCustud · 15/08/2022 22:14

I've been that 9 yo. He can't control the adults that have been brought into his life. When I was 9 and my DB 7, there was a similar argument. My DF wanted to drop us off earlier than usual because he and my step mum had plans. My DB and I neither knew nor cared which of the adults was at fault, but the upshot was DF drove off and our DM wasn't in. We managed to break in to the garage, which was freezing, where we huddled in bags of outgrown clothes which were waiting to go to the jumble sale. The school deputy head lived next door, but we were too ashamed to seek help. This child probably does know that each of his parents are invested in new relationships and families, and the reality is that neither family want him unconditionally. I would take him out with me, and tell him what a treat it is for his little brother to have him all day.

FurAndFeathers · 15/08/2022 22:16

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/08/2022 12:36

I think you probably did the right thing in dropping him off. BUT I think you should've gone to the door and communicated with her boyfriend, rather than just sending kid on his own. And I think you're wrong to block her.

Show quote history

Why?

Why does OP need to have direct contact with and field excuses and cheeky fuckery from her DP’s ex wife?
it’s perfectly reasonable not to have contact with your partner’s ex. Especially when they’re a rude piss-taker

LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 22:20

RoobarbandCustud · 15/08/2022 22:14

I've been that 9 yo. He can't control the adults that have been brought into his life. When I was 9 and my DB 7, there was a similar argument. My DF wanted to drop us off earlier than usual because he and my step mum had plans. My DB and I neither knew nor cared which of the adults was at fault, but the upshot was DF drove off and our DM wasn't in. We managed to break in to the garage, which was freezing, where we huddled in bags of outgrown clothes which were waiting to go to the jumble sale. The school deputy head lived next door, but we were too ashamed to seek help. This child probably does know that each of his parents are invested in new relationships and families, and the reality is that neither family want him unconditionally. I would take him out with me, and tell him what a treat it is for his little brother to have him all day.

Ummmm but the op didnt drive off and leave the kid to scavenge clothes out of the garage.

She left him with his stepdad. Perfectly safe and well cared for.

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