To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

I think there is a rule which says parents shouldn't feel furious. Negative emotions get people nowhere. In school, children are taught to recognize their emotion building, and then to act, while they are still in control, to diffuse it.

We all have to look out for one another. It's good to be positive too and not to dramatise things. It's hard to think of a reason why ex's partner would mind caring for his step-son at the same time as the baby. Why would he be furious. What is there to be furious about.

I think there is a rule which says parents shouldn't feel furious.

Well frankly that is ridiculous.

Most people are justified in feeling angry at other people sometimes.

Anger is a normal, human emotion that all people feel sometimes, including parents.

@Diverseopinions

urgh get a grip!

you don’t suddenly get some sort of personality bypass and transplant of all ‘negative emotions’ just because you become a parent!

this kids mother wasn’t “looking out for others” was she?! Well she was looking out for herself, that’s it.

Your talk of looking after others and being positive is very much code for women putting themselves last and being door mats and facilitating everyone else at the expense of themselves

if that the life you want…great…you do you. But lots of women are now choosing something different for themselves where they are not always on the backburner

It's very telling on this thread how the Op as SM is expected to go the full nine yards for her DSS but the SF is allowed to be annoyed if he ends up looking after his DSS. They're both SP but he's allowed to say No. Why does the SM have to be so saintly?

@Diverseopinions

negative feelings aren’t negative - they are natural and healthy and normal. Anger is usually the bodies way of telling you are being mistreated.

Why would we want to lose that??

Oh wait, actually lots of people want women to

LuckySantangelo35

I meant it is better for the children and for the adult to have happy, secure and confident children, rather than ones who feel sad and worry that they are a nuisance.

There is a lot of reference to people being furious in this post, which is like some petty battle. Why for instance would the ex's new partner feel annoyed at having his step son home early? If it can be accommodated, then accommodate.

The ex has slipped up and miscalculated, but if you wanted to build strong and helpful bonds, I think you'd deal with it and then tackle the commitments you all have, with a cool and sensible conversation at a later date.

It's a noting to have to change your plans, but it shouldn't make you feel furious.

We all have to look out for children in our communities, and if ex's partner doesn't like to mind his step son, that is seriously worrying, and the little boy needs help. He's living with someone who resents caring for him.

Well said!

Nooo, don't give her the benefit of the doubt, it's more fun to think she's an awful, neglectful mother.

Yep, very telling, I've said before it's as though SM are held to higher standards than SF and also the DSC's actual parents, which obviously makes no logical sense at all! It reeks of sexism and misplaced resentment of SM's in general and it's disappointing how many women seem to think like this.

if you take on a step child, I'm afraid you must treat them like one of your own.

This gets trotted out so many times it's boring. If the OP disciplined the child as she would her own I can guarantee that the majority of those same posters would scream a variation of "that child isn't yours and you have no right..."

It seems the only time a SM should treat the SC as her own is if it involves her time and (especially), her money.

I mean, what good did anger ever achieve?

(Answer: every civil rights movement that I can think of has been built in anger. Anger that has been focused in order to achieve things such as the abolition of slavery, equal rights for minority groups, votes for women. Imo, right now, we need more anger. Not less)

The OP has said that the ex is really funny about asking her partner to care for the little nine-year-old, and, she is not sure why, but maybe he has been angry about being asked before. This comment is very worrying from a safeguarding point of view. Anger would seem to be an extreme and unwarranted potential response. It's especially worrying that the ex's partner is in the house, anyway, and simply being asked to be the supervising adult: as oppose to, for instance, being required to don swimming trunks and jump in the sea with the child, or pick him up, fifty miles distance, from a school trip. The ex's partner's attitude, if accurately inferred by OP, sounds like a cause for concern. I assume the nine year old, might pick up on vibes that he is somehow not as readily wanted as the baby.

Instead of vague surmise, I would expect both the OP husband and herself to probe this extraordinary state of affairs more deeply. Perhaps when they have their civilised and non-judgemental chat to talk out some concerns about the way what arrangements are adhered to.

My understanding of safeguarding best practice is that all of us need to be aware and to not leave it up to someone else to ask questions. I understand that embarrassment, on the one hand, and on another, feeling it will be someone else who monitors this, are two main reasons why situations which might be improved for children do not get improved.

I think OP DH should just make sure that his son isn't being emotionally neglected. But perhaps he has, and is confident with the situation. Perhaps it is just a surmise that the ex doesn't like to make arrangements which require her partner to directly care, in sole capacity, for her eldest son.

@Diverseopinions We have no idea how the partner may have been messed around and taken advantage of when it comes to childcare for the 9 year old in the past. If it's anything like what's happened to OP, then it's not worrying, it's totally fair enough.

KettrickenSmiled

I hope I was clear that I pick up an impression that the ex's partner doesn't like to be the sole adult in charge of the nine-year-old. This is alluded to in the OP post. It is this man who I infer dislikes caring for the nine-year-old. I, in no way, meant to suggest that I thought the OP doesn't like caring for her stepson. She says that she and her husband have been caring for him for three days and having a lovely time, doing so.

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..

I’m guessing she would have explained if she was delayed overnight and then for half the next day because she was caring for a sick relative or working at a homeless shelter. My money is on neither.

He did. It’s in the OP. He happily had him for an extra night. But the agreement was the mum would collect at 8am. She didn’t. Stop stirring.

😂😂😂😂😂

The childs biological parents should sort out the childcare. I.E your husband and his ex.

The ex doesn’t seem to want to leave her son with her partner but is happy for you to look after him and for you to curtail your plans.

Hi all, thanks for all the replies. There's so many!

A few PPs have mentioned it 'only happening twice in 3 years'. This isn't the case. But they are the two times it's been only me it's impacted. She does it to DH all the time. Will be late to pick up, ask him to do extra days if she wants to go somewhere and then lay on the thick guilt trip him if he says he can't. As I say, she's very selfish. It's just her nature it seems.

We had a lovely day, really enjoyed it and was glad I made the decision I did because I got my precious time with my boy. DSS is lovely but it wouldn't have been the same. DS really enjoyed it too just being us. He's flat out now!

Ex is still blocked. Not really interested in anything she has to say. If she needs to discuss DSS she can speak to DH from now on.

I'm glad you had a lovely day. I think you absolutely did the right thing. I've never even met my DSC's mum so definitely don't see the need for contact between the two of you.

Well played OP. You have been fair (in keeping your SS an extra night willingly) but firm (in not messing up your own plans or dragging your SS around a 4 year old's dream day out.)

I'm not sure why there was any criticism of you dropping your SS at his own home and with his SD for a mere 3 hours. Why would that be unreasonable?
His mum let him down. You protected him from that.

You are right to leave your DH to communicate and not to accept any burden that might lead you to resent your SS and spoil the relationship.

*If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..

I’m guessing she would have explained if she was delayed overnight and then for half the next day because she was caring for a sick relative or working at a homeless shelter. My money is on neither.*

You don't have to be doing either of those things to be a generally good parent...

Going out, getting drunk and staying out all night isn't necessarily the sign of a happy person/life.

She does it to DH all the time. Will be late to pick up, ask him to do extra days if she wants to go somewhere and then lay on the thick guilt trip him if he says he can't. As I say, she's very selfish. It's just her nature it seems.

If she's struggling, maybe 'DH' should be doing more...