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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:34

if you take on a step child, I'm afraid you must treat them like one of your own

which is why I will never ever never be a step mim

why? Because not a ducking chance will ever child come remotely close to how I feel about my own children, and I would like over my screaming SC in an emergency to reach my own child in an emergency without a moment’s hesitation.

Quia · 15/08/2022 17:34

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:28

Oh come on

not a chance he was “blissfully unaware”

let’s not kid ourselves. The op was furious (and rightfully so). Short of being an Oscar winning actress, he would have been aware of the tension.

Sadly though, I suspect he’s just sort of used to it

You have zero evidence of this. You don't have to be an Oscar-winning actress to be able to follow a normal morning routine when dealing with a child you like who has not caused any problems, especially when you have taken a firm decision about how to resolve those problems.

whumpthereitis · 15/08/2022 17:35

dontbepetty · 15/08/2022 17:31

if you take on a step child, I'm afraid you must treat them like one of your own. That was a choice you made when entering the relationship. The one who said about managing the child's feelings in this is completely right. It doesnt matter whether the childs mum is right or wrong or taking the mickey, that's something you need to sort out with your partner to deal with. Your being 'furious' is going to affect the child, whether you show it or not.

Except you don’t have to at all, there’s no ‘you must’ about it.

and it absolutely does matter that the mother is taking the piss. OP had zero obligation to fuck up her own day to accommodate her, and thankfully she didn’t.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:35

Fucking!

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:37

Quia · 15/08/2022 17:34

You have zero evidence of this. You don't have to be an Oscar-winning actress to be able to follow a normal morning routine when dealing with a child you like who has not caused any problems, especially when you have taken a firm decision about how to resolve those problems.

Show quote history

Why post on mumsnet then if a firm decision had been made? Genuinely curious. It seemed to me that the Op started the thread because she was furious and had not made a firm decision at all, hence asking

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:40

however if I look at the issue purely with the child in kind, I feel sad and an element of crossness (sp?!) to all adults involved.
@Endlesslypatient82 - are you able to articulate why you are cross with the blameless OP? Or her DH or the stepdad for that matter?
None of them have done anything wrong?

Your being 'furious' is going to affect the child, whether you show it or not.
Nonsense, @dontbepetty.
Functional adults are perfectly capable of hiding their true feelings, suppressing all sign of them, & choosing to vent on an anonymous forum instead.

What you are both missing is that OP did the best thing for DSS.
He expected to go home today at 8am.
OP ensured that happened.
If she'd dragged him along to her 4 year old's activity today instead, he'd have been bored & fed up - AND he would have known for sure that his mother had deliberately delayed collecting him AGAIN.

Because OP thought on her feet, he got to go home as planned, with far less focus on "but where's my mum & why isn't she picking me up?" than if he'd been forced to stay with OP today.
There is simply nothing to criticise OP for here.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:42

Not really

just a sort of general vague unsettling feeling that makes me feel sad and cross that this child is in this situation and of we are honest - looks set to deteriorated further in the coming days and months ahead.

So no neat answer

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah, the amount of gaps being filled in here is hilarious.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/08/2022 17:43

Good work, OP. And don’t worry about keeping her blocked for a while.

doyourememberwhen · 15/08/2022 17:43

I bet she wasn't out still she was probably too pissed and hungover to drive at 7/8 am so putting it off til later.

She was probably in bed upstairs while you were ferrying her kid to her.

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 17:46

I don't think the ex has behaved well - but another poster has pointed out that this sort of thing happened, you say, three years ago. So it's not a common occurrence and there may have been a particular reason for her wanting more time for what she is doing. It's the summer holidays, and so parents have been entertaining their kids flat out and fitting in their own stuff, so I guess she is hard-pressed - as you are.

It's just a bit negative to not go that extra yard for a kiddywink. It's not really relevant what she is thinking and doing because life's better if you see it from the children's perspective.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:49

I’ll bow out

step mums on mumsnet are bloody scary!

AclowncalledAlice · 15/08/2022 18:06

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:28

Oh come on

not a chance he was “blissfully unaware”

let’s not kid ourselves. The op was furious (and rightfully so). Short of being an Oscar winning actress, he would have been aware of the tension.

Sadly though, I suspect he’s just sort of used to it

Do you not hide your anger from your DC then? Or do you think that SM's are incapable of doing so?

Foronenightonly22 · 15/08/2022 18:17

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2022 07:10

Are you sure the partner is safe around children?

That’s what I was thinking.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2022 18:18

dontbepetty · 15/08/2022 17:31

if you take on a step child, I'm afraid you must treat them like one of your own. That was a choice you made when entering the relationship. The one who said about managing the child's feelings in this is completely right. It doesnt matter whether the childs mum is right or wrong or taking the mickey, that's something you need to sort out with your partner to deal with. Your being 'furious' is going to affect the child, whether you show it or not.

Ignoring the fact that no, you absolutely don't have to do that...

Sometimes parents are furious with their partners, too. There is absolutely no rule saying parents are not allowed to feel furious.

LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 18:22

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 12:42

And I think you're wrong to block her

She has absolutely no need to contact me today.

She has no need to contact you ever. She's a right cow.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 18:22

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 17:46

I don't think the ex has behaved well - but another poster has pointed out that this sort of thing happened, you say, three years ago. So it's not a common occurrence and there may have been a particular reason for her wanting more time for what she is doing. It's the summer holidays, and so parents have been entertaining their kids flat out and fitting in their own stuff, so I guess she is hard-pressed - as you are.

It's just a bit negative to not go that extra yard for a kiddywink. It's not really relevant what she is thinking and doing because life's better if you see it from the children's perspective.

OP DID go the extra yard for the - as you so cloyingly term it - kiddiwink @Endlesslypatient82

She worked out that the best thing for DSS was to act normal, keep all his mother's flakiness from him, & return him home as he was expecting.
All that changed for DSS is that his ride home was from OP, rather than his mum.

What additional yard do you believe she could have gone to?

Seasidemumma77 · 15/08/2022 18:22

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 11:43

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

The mother's partner has made the same deal. Thus, by your own logic, there is nothing wrong with the OP having dropped the boy off to his mother's house where it was planned he should be.

Exactly this.

No difference between spending day with sm and a sibling or sf and other sibling.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2022 18:23

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:17

Totally within her rights to block anyone

But I can’t fathom why, in the absence of any abuse or similar, why you’d want to block the mother of the child of your husband, your child’s half brother and… surely at some level the OP must love the child? So if something happens to his father or his half brother… the OP then has away to contact her.

or if something happens to the child and the mother is desperately trying to get hold of her ex but for some reason can’t reach him.

Such weird logic that comes up so often on here.

  1. It's very unlikely so very strange to find it unfathomable that it wouldn't be a constant worry for step parents.

  2. These things, when they do happen, are frequently handled without step parents. Their input is not essential at all.

  3. She could unblock her number in an emergency.

LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 18:24

girlfriend44 · 15/08/2022 17:13

When you say already stayed another night does it matter
It's school.hols why shouldn't he stay an extra night with his dad
Dosent his dad want extra time with him.

Why doesn't his mum want to see him

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 18:24

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:49

I’ll bow out

step mums on mumsnet are bloody scary!

Great stuff, your erroneous generalisations about us won't be missed.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 18:26

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 18:22

OP DID go the extra yard for the - as you so cloyingly term it - kiddiwink @Endlesslypatient82

She worked out that the best thing for DSS was to act normal, keep all his mother's flakiness from him, & return him home as he was expecting.
All that changed for DSS is that his ride home was from OP, rather than his mum.

What additional yard do you believe she could have gone to?

Show quote history

Mea culpa & apologies @Endlesslypatient82 - this was meant to be tagged to @Diverseopinions. Sorry to attribute it to you!

Hopeandlove · 15/08/2022 18:33

Well done. This has two parents both of them need to step up and if she says back at 8 am then she’s back not 11 am with a hangover. I doubt I’d accept my husband doing this when I’m married to him and his child so from his mother - no you agreed with a timeframe - this wasn’t an emergency she chose to get smashed

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 18:35

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 17:46

I don't think the ex has behaved well - but another poster has pointed out that this sort of thing happened, you say, three years ago. So it's not a common occurrence and there may have been a particular reason for her wanting more time for what she is doing. It's the summer holidays, and so parents have been entertaining their kids flat out and fitting in their own stuff, so I guess she is hard-pressed - as you are.

It's just a bit negative to not go that extra yard for a kiddywink. It's not really relevant what she is thinking and doing because life's better if you see it from the children's perspective.

@Diverseopinions

what do you wanna mean go the extra yard! Do you mean take him with her and her son? Why would this nine year boy want to go an activity that has been selected for a four year old?!

It's not really relevant what she is thinking and doing because life's better if you see it from the children's perspective.

life is better for who? Certainly not the OP who would have had to put herself out and compromise all her plans. If you want women to be mummy martyrs at least say so but don’t try and pretend it’s for the women’s benefit and improve her life

Tangelablue · 15/08/2022 18:37

I wonder if the mum didn't want op to contact her partner as she had lied about where she was and having her son returned to the house would make partner question where she really was.
Not sure that makes much sense 🤔