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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 16:49

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 16:36

Actually the OP's question wasn't whether the mum was BU, but whether OP was BU to drop DSS at mum's house.

Thank you @DebussytoaDiscoBeat I know. I was responding to what the PP I quoted said, not what the OP was asking.

No one's forgotten who has done the favours. The only ones we've been told about btw was one yesterday and today and one three years ago. It's possible there haven't been any in between; if there had then the OP may well have said no yesterday as she'd have recent proof of the ex taking the piss.

Of course the OP can decide if she wants to block or not. And equally, as its a discussion forum, some of are entitled to share that we don't think it's wise. The OP is free to ignore whatever comments and advice she wants. Smile

You said "Few if no people are saying it's okay for the mother to have acted like that. The poll makes it very easy to see: most by far think the mother is BU." I was just pointing out the poll isn't about the mother but whether OP is justified in being angry and dropping DSS off with his step dad.

As for favours, I'm sure as a fellow step mum you'll know how many favours SMs inevitably end up doing that benefit the child's other household if not directly, then certainly indirectly. Which is fine of course, until someone takes the mick. Why is it unwise for OP to block DSS mum when she has very little to lose by doing so? DSS mum can communicate with the boy's dad directly, just as she'd have to if OP wasn't on the scene.

Brideandprejudice · 15/08/2022 16:55

Well done OP, sometimes you have to make a stand in order for things to (hopefully) change

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 16:55

She also follows up immediately add to where AIBU

Oh and to refuse to ever do her a favour again.

so it’s two pronged

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:01

It’s odd because…

Regarding this purely as a “SM” issue and compared with some of the other SM threads I have read - no bloody way do I think the Op is wrong to be very very pissed off

However if I was then to actually consider it from the child’s perspective. To have had all this going on first thing in the morning on a lovely sunny day in his school holidays, I feel so sad for him (and so cross at the adults in this situation, including but to a substantially less extent, the OP).

What a shit show

Eddielizzard · 15/08/2022 17:02

Well done. I suspect she has form for being a CF with her DP and that he's got very clear CF'ery boundaries so now she's in the shit. Which she quite rightly should be.

Sonnex · 15/08/2022 17:07

Hi OP

Really admire your response here. No harm or impact to your DSS who is safely with his SF and you've effectively dealt with the massive piss taker that is his mum. Well done, I'd have blocked her too. She should know how pissed off you were (rightly).

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2022 17:09

You absolutely did the right thing, and if I were you, I would never unblock her. You are not the parent. Your husband can deal with her.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:11

Eddielizzard · 15/08/2022 17:02

Well done. I suspect she has form for being a CF with her DP and that he's got very clear CF'ery boundaries so now she's in the shit. Which she quite rightly should be.

Bit worrying if she’s “in the shit”. Why would she be? Surely in a half decent relationship you’d be ok with watching your DSS for a short while at the last minute when you were home anyway?

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:11

I have 20 years' experience of being a step-mother, and it's probably the same for others on her who who have said they wouldn't have blocked the mother

OK - 37 years experience as a stepmum here @DuchessDarty.

And I say OP is perfectly within her rights to block a woman who she knows is going to be furious that OP did not simply kowtow to being ridden roughshod over.
OP is also better placed than PP to decide how much grief she is likely to be receiving via text today, & make her decisions accordingly.

But some PP just need to find fault with OP.
Who, imo, has behaved impeccably in the teeth of some serious piss-taking.

girlfriend44 · 15/08/2022 17:13

When you say already stayed another night does it matter
It's school.hols why shouldn't he stay an extra night with his dad
Dosent his dad want extra time with him.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:14

Quia · 15/08/2022 16:19

You haven't succeeded so far.

On the one hand, he can go back home as always planned, where he can play with his own stuff, contact his mates etc, and is looked after for (hopefully) 2.5 hours by his stepfather whom he gets on with.

On the other hand, he can suddenly discover that plans have been changed at the last minute and he has no choice but to be dragged out to a 4 year old activity because his mother isn't going to collect him.

Which do you think would make him feel more unwanted?

Show quote history

Cheers @Quia
Some PP are so hellbent on finding something - anything - to criticise in OP's actions that they've lost all sight of logic & what's best for DSS here.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 17:16

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 09:36

Yes, I said that after somebody else asked and got the ‘’not the OP’s problem’’ response, and there could have been a reason for all anybody knew. I said it to point out how silly that nonchalant attitude was. Plenty of women have babies with abusers and live with abusers with their kids.

Me saying there could be a reason isn’t the same as me claiming anything, is it?

It is probably safe, yes, but go and have ago at the others who said similar.

Nah, you're backtracking. You thought the possibility was relevant enough to allude to it, discussion with other posters too makes it clear what you meant and you simply would not have done that otherwise. That was silly.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:17

Totally within her rights to block anyone

But I can’t fathom why, in the absence of any abuse or similar, why you’d want to block the mother of the child of your husband, your child’s half brother and… surely at some level the OP must love the child? So if something happens to his father or his half brother… the OP then has away to contact her.

or if something happens to the child and the mother is desperately trying to get hold of her ex but for some reason can’t reach him.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 17:21

Goosygandy · 15/08/2022 14:39

That's your interpretation. Mine is that she didn't want any stick from her DP for not being around to look after her child. That isn't evidence that they don't get on. He went in without crying on her shoulder or voicing any distress, is that better for you.

It's the usual double standards: woman has to give up her plans to mind child so man doesn't have to look after child when he was going to be at home anyway.

Show quote history

Oh shut up now 😅 nothing to do with 'man vs woman,' we don't know why the mum doesn't want her partner alone with her child, it could well be that he's an arsehole.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 17:23

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:17

Totally within her rights to block anyone

But I can’t fathom why, in the absence of any abuse or similar, why you’d want to block the mother of the child of your husband, your child’s half brother and… surely at some level the OP must love the child? So if something happens to his father or his half brother… the OP then has away to contact her.

or if something happens to the child and the mother is desperately trying to get hold of her ex but for some reason can’t reach him.

In the spirit of the "what would you do if DSS was your own child" hand-wringing that is so often thrown at stepmums, I wouls say "what would DSS's mum do if she and the child's dad hadn't split up/if the child didn't have a SM?"

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:24

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:01

It’s odd because…

Regarding this purely as a “SM” issue and compared with some of the other SM threads I have read - no bloody way do I think the Op is wrong to be very very pissed off

However if I was then to actually consider it from the child’s perspective. To have had all this going on first thing in the morning on a lovely sunny day in his school holidays, I feel so sad for him (and so cross at the adults in this situation, including but to a substantially less extent, the OP).

What a shit show

He is blissfully unaware of "all this going on" @Endlesslypatient82 - because OP took pains to ensure that from his perspective, handover was continuing as planned, his mother had not point blank refused to collect him (twice), & OP herself was showing no anger.

Unless his mother failed to re-materialise at his home this morning, or she & his stepdad row about her tardiness & total failure to return for her child, the lad will be completely unaware of any "shit show".

So - if he becomes aware, that's hardly OP's fault & I can't work out why you feel cross with her. After all, if she's done the Melodramatic Martyr Act urged on her by too many PP, the lad would definitely be aware that not only had his mum refused to collect him as promised at 8am today, but he was being dragged out to a boring day aimed at 4 year olds.
OP's actions ensured he did not have to deal with that, or the feelings of rejection & frustration it would have engendered.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:27

girlfriend44 · 15/08/2022 17:13

When you say already stayed another night does it matter
It's school.hols why shouldn't he stay an extra night with his dad
Dosent his dad want extra time with him.

It didn't matter.
DSS was welcomed to his extra night.
So obviously his dad DID want extra time with him. Which OP was happy to facilitate by taking care of the 8am handover today.

So what exactly is your point @girlfriend44?

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:28

Oh come on

not a chance he was “blissfully unaware”

let’s not kid ourselves. The op was furious (and rightfully so). Short of being an Oscar winning actress, he would have been aware of the tension.

Sadly though, I suspect he’s just sort of used to it

senua · 15/08/2022 17:28

familyissues12345 · 15/08/2022 15:52

If I was in your position I'd be hoping my DH would be investigating why she was so desperate for him to not be dropped off with her partner. That's weird surely?

I'd guess that it's because she has got two separate sets of lies going on for the two different households. She doesn't want people comparing notes and finding her out.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 17:28

Seriously, any thread involving a step mum gets responses from a very vocal few like 'women don't have to put up with this! Women are sick of this! Yada yada...' You're not smashing the patriarchy by agreeing that OP was perfectly reasonable in her actions, most people here do. Doesn't mean it's not fucking weird that this kid's mum doesn't want him with her partner!

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:30

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KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 17:31

senua · 15/08/2022 17:28

I'd guess that it's because she has got two separate sets of lies going on for the two different households. She doesn't want people comparing notes and finding her out.

Show quote history

Occam's Razor says yeah to this@senua

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 17:31

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dontbepetty · 15/08/2022 17:31

if you take on a step child, I'm afraid you must treat them like one of your own. That was a choice you made when entering the relationship. The one who said about managing the child's feelings in this is completely right. It doesnt matter whether the childs mum is right or wrong or taking the mickey, that's something you need to sort out with your partner to deal with. Your being 'furious' is going to affect the child, whether you show it or not.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 17:31

As I say - if looking at this within the parameters of step parenting - I don’t feel anything other than cross alongside her.

however if I look at the issue purely with the child in kind, I feel sad and an element of crossness (sp?!) to all adults involved.