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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 14:00

DryDevonian · 15/08/2022 13:46

I feel sorry for the DSS, he’s only 9 but old enough to feel not being wanted by either of his parents or their partners!

He knows he is wanted by his dad & stepmum.

They cheerfully accept unscheduled arrangements to have him stay for longer than agreed, do fun stuff with him when he stays with them, & (he will learn this last bias he gets older) maturely choose to not embroil him in their feelings about his mother's flakiness.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 14:02

ooops - not "bias" - bit

Twawmyarse · 15/08/2022 14:05

Yeah, she was being a CF and you called her on it - that is all. I don't think this even has anything to do with the ramifications of step parenting and all that stuff - OP stated she was going somewhere at 8am and needed him picking up, to which the mum agreed. She then reneged on that - that's on her. Wouldn't matter whether it was a relation, friend, colleague whatever - youd be rightly pissed off about it.

The kid will be fine - probably enjoying a morning of gaming until his mother comes home!

Goldpaw · 15/08/2022 14:07

Good for you OP standing your ground and taking him round there. As agreed.

And of course you should block her today, you want to have a lovely day out not be constantly wondering if she's going to contact you!

MachineBee · 15/08/2022 14:08

Well handled OP.

My DHs Ex has form for prioritising her needs over any prearranged plans. Always done in a way that made sure we had no choice without it affecting the DSCs. The worst incident being an insistence that my DH took his eldest back to Uni but still had the younger ones I.e. left them with me. He told her ‘no’ as I intended to have a weekend of my own away to visit my DD. Fortunately I was late leaving, and before I had actually locked up the house, I heard the back door opening and in trooped my DSCs - their DM had just dropped them off outside our house and driven off!

I made the best of it for the sake of my DSCs and my DH cut short his planned time with his eldest. My DDs were not impressed either that I had to cancel our plans. And yes, the younger kids were old enough to work out what was happening and it wasn’t nice for them to know that their DM had dumped them and run.

DryDevonian · 15/08/2022 14:09

I feel sorry for the DSS, he’s only 9 but old enough to feel not being wanted by either of his parents or their partners!

CheGuevaraandDebussy · 15/08/2022 14:18

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SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 14:19

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 12:14

The point was why couldn't the boy stay with his stepfather at his own house when he was dropped off back home. After the stay.

Show quote history

Which is what has happened so you make no sense really. Although the phrase "stayed at home" means the boy would have had to have been at home in the first place. Which he wasn't. I think you are the one who has misunderstood as there's no mention of "dropped back home" in that poster's question. Not that it matters.

momtoboys · 15/08/2022 14:21

follow

capedavenger · 15/08/2022 14:22

Oh wow @CheGuevaraandDebussy I think it's a bit much to call somebody an arrogant cunt because they've mistakenly commented on something that's now resolved.
Mistakes happen, technology can be slow and glitchy and not show you the whole thread...all sorts of reasons. I don't think there was any call to respond so harshly 🤷🏿‍♀️

Olsi109 · 15/08/2022 14:22

@Itsbritneybitch22

Said it yourself - his mum is a prick. Do you make a habit of conversing with pricks? Responding to them? Texting back and forth knowing full well it won't change a damn thing and she'll still take the P out of you as she's got form. I don't (unless I have to for work). I block them. Maybe OP has just had enough of her DH ex, and tbh I wouldn't even converse with her in the first place that's DH job to do but she was obv being kind and level headed - people will pick out the bits of a story they want to though I guess.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 14:26

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 14:19

Which is what has happened so you make no sense really. Although the phrase "stayed at home" means the boy would have had to have been at home in the first place. Which he wasn't. I think you are the one who has misunderstood as there's no mention of "dropped back home" in that poster's question. Not that it matters.

Show quote history

You're missing the point that the OP is getting attacked for dropping the boy off at home when his stepdad is here, hence the person commenting saying why can't he stay with his stepdad? It really shouldn't need to be explained this much, it's quite obvious what they meant.

OP said she was dropping the boy off because the stepfather was home, even if the mother wasn't.
OP gets attacked and told she shouldn't drop the boy off if his mother isn't home.
Other poster asks why not?
I hope it's clear to you now.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 14:27

@Batfastard22 Could you clarify?

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 14:28

momtoboys · 15/08/2022 14:21

follow

@momtoboys Follow what?

scabbers44 · 15/08/2022 14:30

Some absolutely batshit comments on here today. Why on earth would the op want her day out ruined by an influx of messages off this entitled arsehole? What's immature and petty about wanting to avoid that? I suspect the day has already started on a sour note after all this which is already annoying and unfair.

Op you have done nothing wrong at all.

figmaofmyimagination · 15/08/2022 14:32

I think you’ve handled it all perfectly OP. Hope you’ve had a lovely day. Let your partner sort out arrangements with his ex for their child from now on.

Lionking123 · 15/08/2022 14:35

My childs parternal grandmother booked a trip away out of the country with my child and told my child before even asking if it was even ok with me first, its going to be a fantastic experience for my child (who is still very young) so i wouldnt not let her go but when i spoke to my partner about not been asked first and that i wasnt happy about it he didnt even respond.
a few days ago i over heard them talking about a group holiday and also dissgussing that my child would be there i pulled my partner to one side and asked him to say something because i dont feel its right that they can think they can take my child anywhere without dissgussing it with me first, also telling my child so if i was to say no my child would see me as the bad one my partners reponse was that i was been unreasonable and nasty that he wasnt going to say anything to hes parants because he doent know what the big deal is.
am i been unreasonable?

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 14:39

I usually I read SM threads and I think “bloody hell” and avoid commenting to avoid the wrath of the SM mumsnetters.

but your one is just shocking and I would be also furious if I were you

Goosygandy · 15/08/2022 14:39

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:52

No matter what people are making up, there is literally no evidence that the SF is abusive. Not least because he happily opened the door for the boy and the boy happily went in. It's just used as an excuse to bash the OP.

Actually, the little 'evidence' suggests the relationship between sf and ss is not great. Mum would rather he stayed with OP than the man she lives with and had a baby with. In fact, she seems quite desperate. Plus, OP never said he went in 'happily' that's just pure speculation.

That's your interpretation. Mine is that she didn't want any stick from her DP for not being around to look after her child. That isn't evidence that they don't get on. He went in without crying on her shoulder or voicing any distress, is that better for you.

It's the usual double standards: woman has to give up her plans to mind child so man doesn't have to look after child when he was going to be at home anyway.

CheGuevaraandDebussy · 15/08/2022 14:40

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Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 14:41

Lionking123 · 15/08/2022 14:35

My childs parternal grandmother booked a trip away out of the country with my child and told my child before even asking if it was even ok with me first, its going to be a fantastic experience for my child (who is still very young) so i wouldnt not let her go but when i spoke to my partner about not been asked first and that i wasnt happy about it he didnt even respond.
a few days ago i over heard them talking about a group holiday and also dissgussing that my child would be there i pulled my partner to one side and asked him to say something because i dont feel its right that they can think they can take my child anywhere without dissgussing it with me first, also telling my child so if i was to say no my child would see me as the bad one my partners reponse was that i was been unreasonable and nasty that he wasnt going to say anything to hes parants because he doent know what the big deal is.
am i been unreasonable?

He’s a twat

but what’s stopping you from saying “er hell no”

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 14:46

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Or someone who regards mumsnet as a lighthearted parenting chat forum. She had five minute coffee break and had a quick glance on active threads and then commented based on the Op

i love how some mumsnetters with a lot of time on their hands and see the forum as some kind of… well i don’t know but very bloody important to their life, then go ape at someone who doesn’t share their dedication and love (and time) for the site 😂

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 14:51

It's reassuring to see that despite some of the very vocal "poor child" posts on this thread 95% of a pretty hefty vote agree that OP's not being unreasonable.

If OP had simply refused in the first place to have DSS for an extra night she'd have been vilified for that too. Talk about a no-win situation.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 14:54

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From one Debussy to another I do agree cunt is a bit strong!

HelloThereObiWan · 15/08/2022 15:25

Well done OP, you've handled it perfectly.