To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

"I would text her and say, 'hey, I'm heading out at x time. I can either drop him home or you can pick him up. I'll need to leave at x time so if you've not picked him up by then I'm happy to drop him at yours on my way. Let me know what you want to do. See you in a bit x'"

I'd change that to say ""I will be dropping him at yours" not "I'd be happy to"

THIS /\

It could really wound a child. Please be careful. He is an innocent in all of this .

Completely agree with you

You did absolutely the right thing

You did her a favour on condition she agreed to that collect him by 8am the next morning as you were going out with your pre-school child to something you had paid tickets for . You dropped him off HOME with his live in step dad - the adult she chose to live with him and their baby.

You have done nothing wrong and no you do not need to have her text you all day as you do not have hee sim and you are busy

I completely agree with your stance of no more favours, it's all between DSS's Dad and DSS's mum now none of which will involve you as she is feckless and unreliable

She can explain to her chosen partner DSSs step dad why she got so drunk and stayed out overnight that she couldn't collect her own son as arranged. That's her problem not an OP problem. DSS likes his step dad, DSS not upset in anyway, as he was expecting to go home at 8am, he won't know what's going on between his step dad and his mum.

@KettrickenSmiled A child is going to notice where he isn't wanted.. I'm happy to explain as many times as necessary for you to understand.

I wouldn’t say the decision to block the Ex wife is immature and over the top but it does seem quite extreme given the OP felt cordial enough with the Ex to keep the lad overnight in the first place.

So an extreme reaction and perhaps the goings on were the straw that broke the camels back but I’d have taken the boy with me regardless so I don’t know how I’d react to any interaction with he mum today.

@whumpthereitis

Can I join you in the indecency? Feels more than excellent to be honest 😂 .

People can smell bullshit a mile off anyway. You sure do “know” when someone is giving out of the goodness of their own hearts. Even kids intuitively know that. Giving freely will always attract better outcomes than martyrdom.

For those PPs handwringing DSS does not know . He has gone home a mere half hour later than planned

It's up to DSSs step dad and DSS's mum whether they make him aware - they can be bad parental figures if they want but that is not OPs doing nor responsibility. OP has not caused this.

I would have blocked DSS's mum too. He's safe with his step dad at his home

No reason whatsoever for OP to be involved especially as she no longer has the boy with her nor intends to be involved in childcare arrangements for him again. It's all between mum and dad now.

You did the right thing OP. Have a lovely day.

You did the right thing, and I wouldn't do her any favours in future.

It isn't good to drop a child when arrangements haven't all been agreed.
And yet that is precisely what the child's own mother did, in refusing to stick to her pick-up arrangements@Diverseopinions
Twice.

Your husband is miles away working; his ex- wife might be drunk and incapable of caring for the child. You don't know for sure what situation the exW's partner is in.
Of course she does - she waited until she saw the partner come to the door & take his stepson in.

I don't think you should just drop a 9 year old without having thoroughly confirmed all is ok. It could be fine - but it's risky.
She did confirm.
What's "risky" about the kid being with his own stepdad, who he lives with?
By your logic, it was "risky" for his mother to leave him with his stepmum without having thoroughly confirmed all is ok.
**
Sounds like pure sexism to me.

The more the merrier! 😂

Just RTFT and it will take a while to recover from the tinnitus created by so many shrill posts blaming the OP.

Unless every SM begins every new thread with an essay confirming her devotion to her DSC then it's always assumed that she doesn't care, doesn't like them, is excluding them.

OP describes her DSS as 'a lovely kid' in the very first line. What part of that sounds uncaring?

@CottonCandy11 You did nothing wrong. Hope you have a lovely day with DS.

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie

maybe she doesn’t want to see the messages when she’s on a day out with her son

after all they’re unlikely to be nice messages wishing her a lovely day out are they?!

nah, OP doesn’t need such negative vibes when she’s trying to have a nice day out with her son

Good for you OP.

Maybe his mother could try that too.

I feel sorry for the DSS, he’s only 9 but old enough to feel not being wanted by either of his parents or their partners!

@spirit20

You're wrong

The only way DSS would know is if his step dad and mum MAKE him aware

As far as he is concerned he is home as planned but step mum dropped him off hike rather than mum collecting him at 8am. In fact he will be less aware of an issue by how OP managed this - that is own mum hadn't turned up for him!- than if OP has tried to keep him with her and rearranged her whole day- so you not realise the 4 year old DS would have been trustful and shouty about missing his planned day out !

Fab post

What's to notice, @spirit20?

As far as DSS is concerned, his stay with his dad was extended by one night, & he was driven back home at the time he expected to be - just by his stepmum instead of his mum.

The only thing he might notice is "where's my mum?" - which is hardly OP's fault, is it? Not sure why you're telling me, or OP - perhaps OP can forward a message from you to the mum about her parenting if you are so intent on the person who can do anything about it hearing your opinion?

She doesn't need to SEE any messages.

So blocking - even temporarily - is a wise choice.
Petty would be seeing messages that are going to wind you up, & potentially embroil OP in fury & spoiling her day out with her 4 year old.

Toxic positivity AKA “take the moral high ground/rise above” is the mantra of doormats.

OP had plans that she clearly articulated to the mother.

The mother decided to prioritise her night out over her DS and assumed because it involved a child that OP would just deal with it. All pretty weird, basically sounds like the mother’s DP was spun a yarn about not needing to deal with childcare as OP would deal with it.

OP sticks to the immovable deadline she stated when agreeing to do a f**king favour for the mother, and returns child to step father, SAFELY, and somehow utter lunatics/martyrs/doormats in this thread are calling HER immature.

Mumsnet is mad. OP clearly has a loving relationship with DSS, he has 4 adults that care for him, and today 1 of those 4 had plans.

Good on you for blocking OP. Establishing clear don’t-take-the-piss boundaries.

The only crap parent in the whole scenario is your dss mum. Hope you and your ds have a lovely day out.

I wouldn’t say the decision to block the Ex wife is immature and over the top but it does seem quite extreme given the OP felt cordial enough with the Ex to keep the lad overnight in the first place.
But OP does not feel in the least cordial toward the Ex.
She agreed to the extra night because she enjoys the child & it was easier for everyone.

So an extreme reaction and perhaps the goings on were the straw that broke the camels back but I’d have taken the boy with me regardless so I don’t know how I’d react to any interaction with he mum today.
Why?
DSS was expecting to go home at 8am today,
Why do you think he would be happy to be dragged along to an event for 4 year olds, instead of going home as arranged?

The only adult who didn’t want him was his DMum, and possibly his StepDad (who’s views are unknown).

His DDad and StepMum were happy to extend his stay with them, on very little notice, until the last possible moment before interference with pre-existing plans