To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

She can't just not show up and not expect there to be consequences.
She's just 'lucky' you were able to drop him off with her partner, who should have had him in the first place if she wanted to stay out on her day with her child.

I don't blame you for blocking her or not taking him with you. You had plans, ticketed event plans, as you're entitled to have, with your own child. She was completely out of order for not showing up and then assuming she could bully/guilt you into taking him out with you because she couldn't be arsed to show up when you were doing her a favour in the first place!

If it's a pre-booked activity, it's unlikely to be that easy. If the stepson had already been told that his mum was picking him up at 8, he's going to notice something's up when he suddenly finds himself being dragged round Peppa Pig World or similar instead. It's much more low-key, and much less potentially hurtful, for him simply to be told that OP was going to drop him off at home instead - where, for sure, he would much prefer to be.

Good on you!!

A fine & healthy attitude - well done OP.

why shouldnt op block her-she doesnt need to communicate anymore with this woman its not her child-if she wants something she can ask the other parent his father

She can't be that desperate, or she'd have made the effort to get back by 8.

OP said that DSS was fine when he went in, also that he likes his mother's partner. God knows where you get the idea that the relationship isn't great.

I don't think it's immature to block her.

I do think it’s immature to block her.

You don’t even need to reply to any of her messages or just tell her to sort it with DH but there’s no need to block her especially now her DS is back home.

YANBU in this situation but your reaction is way OTT.

I think it makes you look petty and immature, when previously you had the moral high ground.

Why? The child's mother won't even discover it unless she tries to phone OP, and she has no need to phone her - so the only reason she would try would be to pester her to look after DSS or berate her for sticking to the agreement. Either way, this is a day when OP needs to concentrate on her child, and it's not petty to avoid unnecessary stress and hassle.

OP I hope you are having a lovely day out. You have done the right things all the way through, including blocking her.

It's telling that she messaged your DH and not you to say that she wouldn't be picking him up at 8. She only messaged you to try and twist your arm after she got the "No" response. Childcare arrangements are for the two parents to sort out between them so she doesn't need to message you. Keep her blocked and stick to your guns until she has learned to respect you and your time.

I agree with all of this.

Apart from the mother texting you once, all the arranging over the last day has been between your DH and his ex. There’s no indication she’d keep texting you.

It’s an infuriating situation but I can’t understand why you are so angry and saying she’s so unreliable and selfish, when the one example you gave was 3 years ago. An occasion on which she took the piss so throughly and rather inexplicably, I’m surprised you risked it today. (I asked you about that occasion earlier btw.)

She has taken advantage of you today no doubt, but you seem to have a level of vitriol against her and wish for her to get her comeuppance that is a tad extreme IMO.

It also shows you are not Interested in her bull shit and to fuck off.

It sends a clear message.

It’s immature not to act like a grown up and collect your son when you say you would.

OP doesn't need this much-vaunted "moral high ground" as she's not the one playing mindgames - simply choosing not to engage further.

It would be far more petty & immature to keep her phone open to a CF who is going to bombard her with unwanted & useless messages. This way, OP gets to enjoy her day out without getting drawn into ridiculous tantrums, guilt-trips or further nonsense from DSS's mum.

OP can switch her phone to unblock as soon as there is a need - ie when she is next in loco parentis. As she is not currently in charge of DSS, why would she need to hear from his mother today?

She's doing the right thing, removing herself from any conflict DSS's mum wants to create.

There are some MARYTRS on here Op that literally cannot believe you have asserted yourself and not been a doormat like they are

you have blown their minds - well done you!

hope you and your son are having a lovely day

Why should OP expose herself to a barrage of messages she doesn't need to see @SunnyD44 ?

What is OTT about protecting yourself from a CF?

couldn't mind him until 11 yet here you are on mumsnet on the day out with your son

Good for you, OP. Don't take up any more of your day on Mumsnet either! Have a lovely time with your DS.

It isn't good to drop a child when arrangements haven't all been agreed.

Your husband is miles away working; his ex- wife might be drunk and incapable of caring for the child. You don't know for sure what situation the exW's partner is in. I don't think you should just drop a 9 year old without having thoroughly confirmed all is ok. It could be fine - but it's risky.

I realise this might be a difficult concept for you, but mobile phones have 4g. This, coupled with children playing and eating independently mean the OP might well have ample time for a couple of quick posts on MN.

Or did you just post that to be goady? 😉

Shocking! When I'm with my kids I never ever ever look at my phone. Even when they are busy doing something else and are paying no attention to me.

I can't believe that a parent would have the audacity to look at their phone only three or four hours after their last post!

Dreadful behaviour.

She doesn't need to reply to any messages. I still think blocking looks petty. So sue me.

@sidheandlight

I know it’s shocking isn’t it

Nah

this might blow your mind a bit…but….when a mother is on a day out with her child she doesn’t have to be fully focused on them every single second

soooooo many Martyrs on mumsnet these days!

You're not wrong to block her, but I do wonder why she's so eager for your DSS to stay with you and not at home with her partner. That would worry me and your DH should ask to explain why not. It's between them now, as co-parents, not you.

I never know what to make of it. They invariably describe an ideal life as one of doormattery and fucking servitude, then seem genuinely outraged that no one’s signing up for it. Either they’ve never questioned whether they can choose for life to be different, or it’s the most perfect example of misery loves company I’ve ever seen: ‘How dare you not do suck it up and do what I feel I have to? Suffer alongside me’.

If that’s the PR campaign ‘selflessness’ and ‘decency’ are running, then the team behind it needs firing.

According to some my views on this thread mean that i’m not a decent person, but what that actually means in real life is that no one takes the piss out of me because I don’t allow them to, and the people around me are there because they value me, not because of what they can dump on me. What I choose to give In terms of charitable action I give happily and freely, because I genuinely want to and not because I feel obliged to.

Indecency, as it turns out, is fucking excellent.

Meant to quote this above^