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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 15/08/2022 10:12

Sooveritallnow · 15/08/2022 09:54

That poor l, poor 9 year old boy. He must feel so unwanted by all the adults in his life. His mother would rather be out on the loss. His step father doesn't want him around. His father is off working and his step mother doesn't see him as anpigj of a part of the family to include him on a day out. I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children to make him feel wanted and included and not from a broken home being passed from pillar to post.
Read between the lines OP. There is clearly something not right at his mothers home if she puts noghts our snd drinking abovd her own son; and don't start calling stepfather all sorts for not wanting him there, when you don't want him on a day out with your son either. Maybe step father wanted father son time with his own son, like you want mother son time with yours.

Remember this is an innocent child not a pawn for all the adults to one up each other with, with who gives the less shits about who is looking after him today.

That’s quite a reach. What actually happened was the stepmother took him home at the agreed time and that’s all he needs to know.

Pompom2367 · 15/08/2022 10:13

You did the right thing op she needs to learn to be responsible

Jengnr · 15/08/2022 10:14

Sooveritallnow · 15/08/2022 09:54

That poor l, poor 9 year old boy. He must feel so unwanted by all the adults in his life. His mother would rather be out on the loss. His step father doesn't want him around. His father is off working and his step mother doesn't see him as anpigj of a part of the family to include him on a day out. I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children to make him feel wanted and included and not from a broken home being passed from pillar to post.
Read between the lines OP. There is clearly something not right at his mothers home if she puts noghts our snd drinking abovd her own son; and don't start calling stepfather all sorts for not wanting him there, when you don't want him on a day out with your son either. Maybe step father wanted father son time with his own son, like you want mother son time with yours.

Remember this is an innocent child not a pawn for all the adults to one up each other with, with who gives the less shits about who is looking after him today.

That’s quite a reach. What actually happened was the stepmother took him home at the agreed time and that’s all he needs to know.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:14

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:11

She will if she gives a shit about him. Especially when his own mum and her partner seem…..lacking.

Show quote history

@Sharrowgirl

its not her responsibility

do you think cos Op has a vagina she needs to take this onus on?!

I would bloody hate to be a step mum

sidheandlight · 15/08/2022 10:14

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 10:11

...yes?

Show quote history

hmm ...maybe no?

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:15

I can't help feeling sorry for the 9 year old boy in all of this. I bet he feels bad.

Liz1tummypain · 15/08/2022 10:15

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 09:56

Ah, more fuckwitted sagacious generalisations for the pearl-clutching brigade.

Does it mess them up in the same way if they are passed from pillar to post between grandparents, nurseries, inlaws, & school clubs @Liz1tummypain ?

Or ... let me hone in on your real objection here - only when there is a stepmother involved?

Show quote history

My comments are only related to parenting or interest in parenting. But yes, if parents farm children over to any others in different capacities to use them as substitutes for parents when it’s like a large portion of time then yes, I do also tend to feel sorry for the child.

CinderellaFant · 15/08/2022 10:16

I've not been a step mum but I have been a step kid and I really feel for the 9 year old in this ☹️

Wombat100 · 15/08/2022 10:17

Good for you OP. I’m guessing that the people criticising you here have never been step parents.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:18

Sooveritallnow · 15/08/2022 09:54

That poor l, poor 9 year old boy. He must feel so unwanted by all the adults in his life. His mother would rather be out on the loss. His step father doesn't want him around. His father is off working and his step mother doesn't see him as anpigj of a part of the family to include him on a day out. I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children to make him feel wanted and included and not from a broken home being passed from pillar to post.
Read between the lines OP. There is clearly something not right at his mothers home if she puts noghts our snd drinking abovd her own son; and don't start calling stepfather all sorts for not wanting him there, when you don't want him on a day out with your son either. Maybe step father wanted father son time with his own son, like you want mother son time with yours.

Remember this is an innocent child not a pawn for all the adults to one up each other with, with who gives the less shits about who is looking after him today.

Have you read the thread?

OP agreed to an extra day for her DSS.
She often does fun activities with him.
His mum agreed to pick him up at 8am today.
His mum reneged on that agreement.
Creating a narrative about OP making DSS feel "unwanted" is pure bullshit.
She planned a day out with her 4 year old because her DSS was going to be back at his mother's.

How does that make OP the villain?
Is she not allowed to live her own life on the days that DSS is at his mum's house?

I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children

Your poor children @Sooveritallnow
They must feel so unwanted by their mother, who decided she was going to love her new partner's children "more".

Or did you just get caught up in your own hyperbole, & write something daft for effect?

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:18

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 09:59

Threads like this are terrible for mumsnet cheerleaders ("you're a legend OP 😂") and 'no fucks given' types.

Yea, OP was not unreasonable but neither is anyone who suggests this might negatively affect a little boy.

@HailAdrian

but if it negatively effects the child whose fault is it??!

not OP’s!

women are always shamed and blamed and I think those “don’t give a fuck” types have just got sick of it, as have I.

Women are choosing not to be a doormat any longer, woop woop.

YANBU OP

SpinCityBlues · 15/08/2022 10:18

sidheandlight · 15/08/2022 09:40

you have blocked her over this? So immature. If both of you agreed to him staying overnight, you put the 8am rule in place, she asked for 11am. 3 hours, that is the difference is and the level of drama you have created over 3 hours is quite telling. It is not all about you and that is your son's brother. Poor wee man for his presence to cause such hatred and blocking over THREE hours, have a word with yourself.

Oh is this supposed to be the 9 year old’s mum turning up? How very droll.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2022 10:18

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 09:09

DH told his mum I was dropping him off with her DP. She then text me directly saying she's sorry she wasn't able to pick him up but she couldn't get back in time (could have if she hasn't stayed out) and could I please just take him with me today. I've blocked her. Can't be doing with anymore excuses, it's always someone else's problem. She's selfish. She can discuss things with DH only from now on. If he wants to help her in the future that's fine but I won't be.

Blimey-even when she was told you’d be dropping DS at hers, she still text to ask you to keep him?!

I’d be livid if I was you! I wouldn’t be doing her any more favours either,

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 10:18

Gosh such dramas though. well done OP on doing the sensible thing.

I don't see how anyone here is really in the wrong. The mum asked if the child can stay an extra night and agreed to 8am. The next morning on realising that she wouldn't make 8am asked her ex if 11 would be ok.

The father had cleared with his DW that it was ok for the child to stay, had been prepared to say no, but step-mum said "pick up at 8" which was agreed to. So the child stayed.

The Mum's current partner may or may not be wise to her ways, or he might have to get somewhere (with or with out small child in tow) and unable to have had the child overnight because of that. Who knows?

The mum didn't wait until 5 minutes before pick-up time to say she'd be late. Maybe she is travelling by public transport? trains get cancelled all the time.

OP is perfectly entitled to prioritise her biological child over her step-child and have 1 on 1 time with them, especially on non-contact days. So much frothing about that, it's weird.

In the end the DP was there, let the child in and since he didn't come racing down the garden path frantically begging OP to take the child, he has no problem accommodating him.

Seems to me that it worked fairly well, and if OP wants to block the ex due to piss-taking, that is also fine.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:19

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:14

@Sharrowgirl

its not her responsibility

do you think cos Op has a vagina she needs to take this onus on?!

I would bloody hate to be a step mum

Show quote history

This is not a feminist issue. If OP was a stepdad, there would be the same mixed response.

The fact that the kid isn't OP's 'problem' doesn't make the situation any less shit for the kid. What's difficult to understand there?

namechangetheworld · 15/08/2022 10:19

Jesus, that poor kid. Both parents off playing happy families with their new partners and children whilst he's being treated like an inconvenience at best.

Pinkspice · 15/08/2022 10:19

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 07:42

His mum is a shit show and I understand why you are annoyed but also, did you know about your DSS existence when you met your DH? I assume you did, so you need to step up, he because your responsibility when you married DH

Why does she have to step up more than the step dad? I bet I know the answer: because she has the vagina?

Absolutely not. The stepdad can step up, it's only a couple of hours as opposed to spoiling the OP's whole plans. It's not the OP's fault, anyway, it's the mother's. If you have arranged something related to your child, you can't just unilaterally change it at the last minute. If anyone is making him feel unwanted it's certainly not the OP and his DF who've had him the last three nights. It's his DM who can't be bothered to get back after a night out by 9am.

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 10:20

@LakieLady yes I agree that the OP is not being unreasonable. My comment was in response to someone saying that step parents don't have any responsibilities unless they want to have them, which imo is bullshit

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:18

@HailAdrian

but if it negatively effects the child whose fault is it??!

not OP’s!

women are always shamed and blamed and I think those “don’t give a fuck” types have just got sick of it, as have I.

Women are choosing not to be a doormat any longer, woop woop.

YANBU OP

Show quote history

But banging on about whose 'fault' it was, again, doesn't make it any less shit for the kid. 🤣

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:22

namechangetheworld · 15/08/2022 10:19

Jesus, that poor kid. Both parents off playing happy families with their new partners and children whilst he's being treated like an inconvenience at best.

Yea, nailed it tbh.

SunnyD44 · 15/08/2022 10:23

Are you sure the partner is safe around children

would the mother be dating him and have him in her house if he wasn't?

Unfortunately yes.

Many women put themselves and their new partners over their DCs.

You find in the majority of child murders it’s the step parent who has contributed.

The over night thing is ok as it probably just made sense for him to stay another night but it is concerning that she wanted her DS to join OP and not go to his home with his step dad.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2022 10:24

@CrappyJob

"I don't know why but the reluctance she has for her partner to be alone with her son is worrying me greatly 😞
The child is 9. I would think that if he really didn't want to be alone with the partner, he would have said something."

So no 9+ year old children suffer abuse or get murdered?

The DH should be asking what the issue was with her partner looking after him. This is his son who he should be safeguarding. Stepparents, especially stepdad can be great until the biological children come along, then the stepchild is a spare part. Everyone is making assumptions that it's because the Mother is a CF. This is the second incident in three years, that isn't CF territory. Also the OP said that there's been some concerning behaviour from the partner, but it was rare. Perhaps it was rare because the Mother keeps the child away from alone time with the partner. In every recent abuse case there were unquestioned signs. If the partner won't look after the son, were is this going to go once he's a teen. The OP hasn't stated how access is split, so we don't know if this is deserved time off for the Mum, hoping for her to be read the riot act is disgusting, in light of the missing information. The boy's father should be worried about the son witnessing the wished for arguments.

Sooveritallnow · 15/08/2022 10:24

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:18

Have you read the thread?

OP agreed to an extra day for her DSS.
She often does fun activities with him.
His mum agreed to pick him up at 8am today.
His mum reneged on that agreement.
Creating a narrative about OP making DSS feel "unwanted" is pure bullshit.
She planned a day out with her 4 year old because her DSS was going to be back at his mother's.

How does that make OP the villain?
Is she not allowed to live her own life on the days that DSS is at his mum's house?

I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children

Your poor children @Sooveritallnow
They must feel so unwanted by their mother, who decided she was going to love her new partner's children "more".

Or did you just get caught up in your own hyperbole, & write something daft for effect?

Show quote history

I did read all of OPs posts thanks. And I still pity that poor boy.
ut OP has all her MN cheerleaders like you so she'll feel content treating that child differently to her own, whilst you all blame the step father for doing exactly what OP is doing. Woo hoo go OP, go cheerleaders yayyyyyy. All the adults keep excluding that little boy.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:25

Liz1tummypain · 15/08/2022 10:15

My comments are only related to parenting or interest in parenting. But yes, if parents farm children over to any others in different capacities to use them as substitutes for parents when it’s like a large portion of time then yes, I do also tend to feel sorry for the child.

Show quote history

So you don't subscribe to the "takes a village to raise a child" ethos then @Liz1tummypain

Doesn't make you correct. Just maybe a little insular.
I'd much rather my DC had exposure to many different types of adults & social situations than were hothoused in a strictly nuclear set up that was frightened of them experiencing life outside of their own tiny family.

Quia · 15/08/2022 10:25

The mum didn't wait until 5 minutes before pick-up time to say she'd be late. Maybe she is travelling by public transport? trains get cancelled all the time.

That's a massive stretch. You don't even know if the mum travelled by train, but suddenly she's decided on an impulse to stay somewhere where she is dependent on public transport which only operates a three hourly service? Time for her to call a taxi, I'd say.