To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

It's not concerning & it's hardly a mystery.

Cheeky Fuckers follow the path of least resistance.
DSS mum knows her own partner is wise to her CF'ery, so manipulated OP instead.

OP, wisely, has had enough, & has successfully resisted the manipulation.
I imagine DSS mum will need to take it out on someone, & will probably abuse her ex via text about it. Because calling out a CF on their behaviour generally leads to them DARVO'ing - the alternative is that they own their wrongdoing, & CF's won't accept that.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

That's up to OP's DH to manage, because OP has sensibly blocked the CF.

The boy will probably be on antidepressants by the time he’s 19. It would be nice if I’m wrong but I suspect he would be.

If stepdad was due in work, surely DSS’s mum would have said so and she’d be home in time to take over looking after the baby?

I think her partner has the messure of her
You did the right thing @CottonCandy11 , poor lad though if his mum is so flakey

The ex agreed to 8 a.m. pick up last night, and she knew that was necessary because OP wasn't available after that time. There's no suggestion she was asking for a later time at that point. She didn't ask for 11 a.m. till earlier this morning. What guarantee do you imagine there would be that there wouldn't be another excuse at 10 .45 a.m.? If OP has prebooked something with her child, how do you know that she can just put it all off by three hours?

OP hasn't created any drama. She just said they would have to stick to the original arrangement save that she would drop DSS off rather than insist on someone collecting him. She doesn't want to continue to listen to the person who has created the problem and is trying to persuade her to short-change her own child. What's dramatic about that?

That poor l, poor 9 year old boy. He must feel so unwanted by all the adults in his life. His mother would rather be out on the loss. His step father doesn't want him around. His father is off working and his step mother doesn't see him as anpigj of a part of the family to include him on a day out. I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children to make him feel wanted and included and not from a broken home being passed from pillar to post.
Read between the lines OP. There is clearly something not right at his mothers home if she puts noghts our snd drinking abovd her own son; and don't start calling stepfather all sorts for not wanting him there, when you don't want him on a day out with your son either. Maybe step father wanted father son time with his own son, like you want mother son time with yours.

Remember this is an innocent child not a pawn for all the adults to one up each other with, with who gives the less shits about who is looking after him today.

Ah, more fuckwitted sagacious generalisations for the pearl-clutching brigade.

Does it mess them up in the same way if they are passed from pillar to post between grandparents, nurseries, inlaws, & school clubs @Liz1tummypain ?

Or ... let me hone in on your real objection here - only when there is a stepmother involved?

If there was some sinister reason why the mother didn't want her son around her partner then she should have ensured she was home to prevent this from happening! How can the op (who has no reason to think the other stepparent is any less capable of looking after DSS than she is) possibly be accountable here?

It’s almost like their actual parents should prioritize them, and not try to dump them off on others*

*I say parents but in this case it’s the mother. OP’s DH hasn’t done anything wrong.

___

It doesn’t sound like the stepson’s presence has caused ‘hatred’ at all. OP, quite reasonably, is taking issue with the mother’s piss taking. She booked a day to spend one-on-one with her own child. Could she have taken stepchild? Sure. Would that have completely changed the dynamic of the day she had planned and was looking forward to? Yes. Children are not the only ones who should come first in a family (blended or nuclear) at all times. It is not for OP to forever relegate herself, or her own child, behind stepchild because she married a man with children. Not even biological parents are expected to do that. Stepson’s needs were met, he’s being cared for in his own home, and is none the wiser in regards to the issues that are being hashed out between the adults. OP is kind to him and takes on a caring role when he’s in the care of his father. She needs to do no more than that.

Blocking her is reasonable too. The mother doesn’t need to contact OP, she has his actual father she can communicate with.

If parents think their children are being shortchanged in a blended family then it’s up to them to choose not to blend, not to try and force a blended family to operate as a nuclear one when they are inherently different set ups.

Good for you op. You are nobody's doormat. At least now she knows never to take advantage over you again. She won't try that again. What a shit mother to go out and not pick your child up!

Threads like this are terrible for mumsnet cheerleaders ("you're a legend OP 😂") and 'no fucks given' types.

Yea, OP was not unreasonable but neither is anyone who suggests this might negatively affect a little boy.

You've done the right thng, OP. I can't see how DSS would "feel unwanted" from your side as you've already had him for another night. You've struck a good balance between caring for DSS and not letting his mum take the piss.

No, OP is not in the same position as his stepdad, because it's his parter who is responsible for her son today. If he is due in work, presumably there is some arrangement in place for the baby anyway, and he can talk to his partner about suitable arrangements for their son. OP has already done everyone a favour by looking after him an extra night.

Are you sure the partner is safe around children

would the mother be dating him and have him in her house if he wasn't?

' . . . you put the 8am rule in place, she asked for 11am . . . '

It wasn't a fucking negotiation! Do you understand the meaning of the word 'proviso'? OP was prepared to do the mum a favour ON CONDITION THAT the child be picked up at 8 am.

Of course just drop him off, you have plans

Well done OP, she's one CF!!!

I don't imagine there was any angst for the lad if OP just said she'd drop him back home instead of his mum picking him up. Don't suppose he batted an eyelid.

I imagine he'd rather be at home on his X-box or whatever, rather than being traipsed around somewhere with toddlers.

I would hazard a guess that his mother has a hangover, hence why she was so keen for you to take him out today. Well she's shot herself in the foot hasn't she?

@Sooveritallnow you have no idea what the little boy has been doing with his Dad and step mum the 3 nights he was with them. He was meant to go back to his mum's last night but she moved the goal posts for her own needs and his Dad was scheduled to go to work this morning.

Is this a joke? This is the woman who's gone out, presumably gotten pissed and stayed out all night? I mean, is she OK?

Your DH's ex sounds just like a CF ex-friend of mine...if I didn't know better, I'd think this was all about her but the child's age is different. Infuriating behaviour; so so selfish...always me, me, me....no, not when you have kids!!

As you say OP, no more favours if it, in anyway, helps out DH's ex.

😂
Yeah, having an extra night staying at his dad's, & being dropped off by his stepmum instead of collected by his mum this morning is definitely going to lead to a clinical analysis within 10 years @Liz1tummypain

Anything else you'd like to pounce on & make a melodrama out of?

Or are you able to accept that OP managed the situation in such a dignified & low-key manner that her DSS isn't even aware that his mum has fucked up?

Poor kid.

Well we're all going to have to wait for DSS's mum to start her own thread until that satisfactory AIBU Kicking can be indulged in.

Not that that's stopped some PP from attempting to guilt-trip OP over a bio parent's choices ...

I don't think you're wrong to be angry, nor to refuse to do any further "favours", but personally I would have kept the boy with me rather than drop him off with an adult who has made it clear he isn't happy to have him. The whole situation sounds excruciating for DSS (which isn't your fault), he will know that his mother is flakey and her partner doesn't want to look after him, it must be awful for him.

His mother is a disgrace, and I don't blame you for being pissed off - but I would have opted to make the child feel wanted, and sucked up the disruption to my own arrangements.

...yes?