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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Send ILL toddler DD on holiday

304 replies

TiredHippo · 15/08/2022 04:29

Changed user name as don't want anyone knowing me from my other posts. My Ex BF is supposed to be taking my DD on holiday today, the flight is in the afternoon (3:00ish) but she's just woken up hot to the touch and thrown up, gave her Capol but threw it straight up. I phoned to let him know, and his attitude, to be honest, has angered me so much. I get from his tone, that he still wants to take her away with him. It's for a week away, and I'm not happy that he expects a toddler, who has just thrown up, with a temperature and is boiling hot to the touch to be able to get to the airport (1.5-2 hrs away, depending on traffic) to then go through the rigmarole of going through the airport, to then spend 4 hours on a flight. I said I didn't want her going through all that, but he said to.....stick a cold towel underneath her and see how she feels later. I get his frustration, I really do, as nobody wants their plans to change, especially when you've all been looking forward to go, but would IBU to insist I don't think she's well enough to go gievn the circumstances. Please be kind, I've got an ILL toddler at the moment.

OP posts:
Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:47

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:46

First off if DD is feverish then she shouldn’t go however Let’s try and view it from the other foot,

if you were taking your child abroad and your expartner called on the day of the flight you would be annoyed. Also if the tickets they got were brought as a package they may not be able to remove just the child without cancelling everything and either paying significantly more or all of them having to cancel.

so my view will be that it’s his call to make

The question is, is the sickness a bug or is it something they have eaten or as a result of the excess heat the past few days which can take it toll

TheVolturi · 15/08/2022 08:48

I'm guessing the op has already decided now since it's past the time the child was supposed to leave.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 15/08/2022 08:48

I think you’re probably being shot as the messenger a bit. Think how upset you’d be if you’ve been looking forward to this holiday for months then on the morning you hear that your DD is unwell. If he still wants to take her I’d let him. She can just lie in her buggy and doesn’t have to do anything.

RampantIvy · 15/08/2022 08:48

There seem to be a lot of "medical experts" on here who are convinced that the OP's child isn't ill.

Tinkywinkywoo · 15/08/2022 08:48

I had this dilemma once when my DC was a baby. The night before we went away he had a really high temp (didn’t vomit). Decided to risk it and he was absolutely fine - no further fevers at all. Much harder if you are separated though. If dad is usually sensible I think I would let her go x

allyouneedismarmite · 15/08/2022 08:50

Everyone saying it’s the heat - we don’t know where OP is. Where I am there were thunderstorms last night and it was nowhere near hot enough to make someone ill.

NHS advice for vomiting is clear. The child should be kept at home for 48 hours after symptoms stop. She also shouldn’t be in a swimming pool until 2 weeks have passed (though I highly doubt anyone sticks to that guidance).

No responsible parent would take her on a long journey - both for the child’s sake and that of all the people should could infect along the way. Plus we don’t know where she’s going. How easy would it be to get medical attention at her destination if she needs it? Is it a resort hotel? This is how D&V outbreaks happen at these places.

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable to keep her home. (But you are being unreasonable to capitalise the word ill. No need and it confused my tired brain trying to figure out the acronym!)

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:51

Tinkywinkywoo · 15/08/2022 08:48

I had this dilemma once when my DC was a baby. The night before we went away he had a really high temp (didn’t vomit). Decided to risk it and he was absolutely fine - no further fevers at all. Much harder if you are separated though. If dad is usually sensible I think I would let her go x

That’s the difference, he didn’t vomit so it wasn’t a contagious bug.

Ops child is vomiting with a fever. This is likely a highly contagious virus.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:51

RampantIvy · 15/08/2022 08:48

There seem to be a lot of "medical experts" on here who are convinced that the OP's child isn't ill.

Would you be happy to have your whole holiday cancelled (could be the first as a extended family, or post covid or even maybe not that but would be thousands in costs because an ex partner pulled the child last minute over being sick after 4 days of excess heat.

child may or may not be Ill but it’s not quite as simple

mam0918 · 15/08/2022 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Utterly ridiculous... if he abused or neglected the kid on 'his time' should she butt out?

Taking a sick child through all of that is neglect, he is neglecting what is best for the child and causing unnessacery suffering.

Also for all you know OP could be the main live in parental care giver awarded by the courts which means the choice would be entirely hers to allow or disallow it (vice versa if he is the main live in parental care giver however its seems for OP the child is in her custody not his).

He is quite lucky he even has the kind of relationship where they are allowed to take her abroad, as a child of divorce I wasnt allowed to be taken abroad and the furthest my father could take me away for holiday was 100 miles and he has to have my mothers permission and provide full details.

Bunnycat101 · 15/08/2022 08:52

The problem is you all have no idea if it is a one vomit and done situation or a week long, nasty bug. The fact she’s got a fever would make me suspect the latter to be honest.

Generally when mine have done the ‘one and done’ thing they’re bouncing around pretty quickly afterwards and seem ok in themselves, still want to eat and drink normally. In contrast, one of mine had a horrendous bug when she was 2 because she vomited about 30 times and couldn’t sit up, walk etc. I was sat at home syringing in water 5ml at a time keeping a diary for the gp to try and avoid admission. He needs to be thinking about what he would do in the latter situation. Little ones can go down so quickly at that age and not unlikely might need medical attention when abroad if he takes her.

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:53

NHS guidance is stay home until 48 hours after symptoms stop. No swimming pools for 14 days.

jammiewhammie65 · 15/08/2022 08:53

TiredHippo · 15/08/2022 06:00

@HandScreen she is also my DD too, and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be worried about her being ILL and going away. It's a bit rude for telling me to Butt Out, you could have said it more nicely, or just not at all.

I think that was really harsh of her of course you can't but out she's your child but I do think you need to ask yourself if it was your holiday with her would you really miss the holiday because of it ? Because I don't think many people would. Chances are she will be out of sorts at the airport and in the plane and maybe have a couple of rest days when she arrives but she will bounce back (like they do) very quickly with fluids and rest. I do understand it's really hard but he is her dad and if he will look after her as you would then I think he should be allowed to take her and deal with the illness himself as a mother would.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:53

Bunnycat101 · 15/08/2022 08:52

The problem is you all have no idea if it is a one vomit and done situation or a week long, nasty bug. The fact she’s got a fever would make me suspect the latter to be honest.

Generally when mine have done the ‘one and done’ thing they’re bouncing around pretty quickly afterwards and seem ok in themselves, still want to eat and drink normally. In contrast, one of mine had a horrendous bug when she was 2 because she vomited about 30 times and couldn’t sit up, walk etc. I was sat at home syringing in water 5ml at a time keeping a diary for the gp to try and avoid admission. He needs to be thinking about what he would do in the latter situation. Little ones can go down so quickly at that age and not unlikely might need medical attention when abroad if he takes her.

We don’t know it’s fever op hasn’t said, just that they are hot to the touch

mam0918 · 15/08/2022 08:55

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:51

Would you be happy to have your whole holiday cancelled (could be the first as a extended family, or post covid or even maybe not that but would be thousands in costs because an ex partner pulled the child last minute over being sick after 4 days of excess heat.

child may or may not be Ill but it’s not quite as simple

Show quote history

its not cancelled its just minus 1 small child who has care already sorted that they dont have to do anything for/about.

All they have lost is the cost of one flight ticket (which possibly was free in the first place as many holidays this time of year are kids go free) and they havent been exposed to sickness so can still go.

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 08:55

For me it would depend on how she’s doing now and what the temperature is. Like @fruitstick i have a teenager who regularly vomits when a bit run down, from tiredness/anxiety/‘abdominal migraine’ (never heard that expression before but it fits). She’s not contagious when she does this as she doesn’t have a bug. I’d take a less cautious approach with them than with their siblings.

I wouldn’t want to take a sick child away for several reasons, including infecting others. But at this point in time it’s possible it was a reaction to the heat and anxiety and excitement.

containsnuts · 15/08/2022 08:56

The cause of her sickness could be anything but kids often have fevers and vomiting with ear infections and I would take her to a doctor and get that ruled out. From personal experience, I would strongly recommend against flying with an ear infection - it's torture.

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 15/08/2022 08:56

Zippy1510 · 15/08/2022 08:02

Why is ill constantly capitilised like
its an acronym?

I keep reading it as InterLibrary Loan, and it’s very discombobulating.

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:57

@Scepticalwotsits ’boiling hot’ to the touch is a fever.

Good grief, this thread has been a Klaxon to all the Dorothy dollops.

Quia · 15/08/2022 08:58

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:51

Would you be happy to have your whole holiday cancelled (could be the first as a extended family, or post covid or even maybe not that but would be thousands in costs because an ex partner pulled the child last minute over being sick after 4 days of excess heat.

child may or may not be Ill but it’s not quite as simple

Show quote history

Why would the whole holiday have to be cancelled?

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:59

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 08:55

For me it would depend on how she’s doing now and what the temperature is. Like @fruitstick i have a teenager who regularly vomits when a bit run down, from tiredness/anxiety/‘abdominal migraine’ (never heard that expression before but it fits). She’s not contagious when she does this as she doesn’t have a bug. I’d take a less cautious approach with them than with their siblings.

I wouldn’t want to take a sick child away for several reasons, including infecting others. But at this point in time it’s possible it was a reaction to the heat and anxiety and excitement.

The difference is this child has a fever! That and the vomiting signals infectious gastroenteritis. She needs to now be isolated for 48 hours after the symptoms stop.

TellerTuesday · 15/08/2022 08:59

I'm going to play devils advocate here & ask if it was you going away on holiday with her this afternoon.... what would you be doing??

Nothappyatwork · 15/08/2022 09:00

In these situations you don’t really get a lot of say it’s his time with the child you have to give him his child and let him make a decision as to whether he takes it on holiday or not.
but you don’t get to reduce contact because the child is not well.

NCHammer2022 · 15/08/2022 09:01

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:57

@Scepticalwotsits ’boiling hot’ to the touch is a fever.

Good grief, this thread has been a Klaxon to all the Dorothy dollops.

And the drama queens. Good god, sometimes children are sick. Frequently as a one-off if my child is anything to go by. But no, posters are leaping to week-long severe norovirus bugs and meningitis after a child woke up hot during an unusual heatwave and was sick once.

Festoonlights · 15/08/2022 09:01

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:51

Would you be happy to have your whole holiday cancelled (could be the first as a extended family, or post covid or even maybe not that but would be thousands in costs because an ex partner pulled the child last minute over being sick after 4 days of excess heat.

child may or may not be Ill but it’s not quite as simple

Show quote history

Yes it would be fine as that is what travel insurance is for! I would reschedule which is precisely what I have done many times in the past.
Ask any doctor if a toddler should fly with a high temperature and vomiting and the answer will be absolutely not.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 09:02

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 08:57

@Scepticalwotsits ’boiling hot’ to the touch is a fever.

Good grief, this thread has been a Klaxon to all the Dorothy dollops.

Hot to touch doesn’t mean fever,

can be fever, a skin reaction to something, systems of heat exhaustion could be environmental could be transient.

tou can also feel feverish without actually running a temperature.

you call us Dorothy dollops however a number is have suggested it could be fever not it is fever - I would say do you have a form for histrionics and hypochondria as you are no more informed as the rest of us and saying not to tour is fever isn’t correct. It could mean fever but it could be many many things, and 4 days of excess heat using Occam’s razor it is most likely as a result of the heat, but it may not.

im slightly sceptical because OP has only said hot or boiling hot to touch but never mentioned actually taking the temperature