Finding out something controversial about family member

[Howtofeelnow]

Nc in case they’re on here considering this was a conversation today

Found out today a family member used to do something in the past that I believe is fairly controversial. I had no idea. I’m very strongly against the thing they did, and tbh think most (decent) people are.

no real indication they were aware I might be anti the thing they did. no indication of whether they’d ever do it again.

I’m really shocked and disappointed. I love this person but somehow can’t see them in the same way. I know people disagree about things obviously but I really, really feel like this is a conflict in core values…probably not making sense still just a bit 😨

I put the cheese in the pan of beans and mix together .

What an annoying thread.

Either tell us what the thing is, so that we can tell you whether YABU in your reaction or not (which as you've posted in AIBU is presumably your intention?) or don't bother asking.

I don't understand how the the 'thing' can be outing unless it's something that so few people have ever done, and publicised so widely in the news / internet that we'd be able to attach a name to it. Which clearly it wasn't since the OP didn't know anything about it until the family member told her!

So this just doesn't add up OP. Try harder next time!

So you still won't say what it is, even though you said you've name changed, so what exactly would be outing to you.

Also, if you're not going to say what it is then how can people give their opinions on what they would think and what was the point of your post???

Crazy.

Did they say they actually prefer the Star Wars prequels to the original films? Perhaps they actually like Jajar Binks.

If you want an actual useful advice you would have to disclose what they did...

if did something illegal (bank robbing, drug dealing, beating someone up) but were never caught then I would struggle to maintain a relationship.

If they did something silly when they were young and naive from moonlighting as a stripper to acting in porn films, using prostitutes or being a drug addict but then realised they were on the wrong path and changed their life then it would not bother me.

If they disclosed they once voted for Farage, supported fox hunting or were part of a racist group that would change my view of them and I would again struggle to stay in touch with them.

If it is a conflict with your values, ask yourself if the person regrets what they did, is open about realising they made a mistake and are clear they would not repeat what they did. People can do stupid things but they can also change and become better human beings.

But if the person sees nothing wrong in their action and what they did completely clashes with your values then maybe you have to accept your relationship/friendship with them is over.

I think it’s very difficult to know if YABU without knowing what the thing is, as others have said, because doing something you consider unpleasant or immoral but which is not ultimately harmful is one thing, but doing something you feel is actively harmful and cruel and exploitative is a lot harder to put aside.

For example, if it was dogging then YABU but if it was badger-baiting or burning £50 notes in front of homeless people YANBU.

Darked on the washing?
These threads are so annoying- obviously having affairs - but the whole point of MN being anonymous is so people down get outed.

If you think it’s unforgivable that they don’t vote the same way as you then it suggests that you have some issues to work through about how you judge others, and it’s possible that the other thing they did is fine too.

I mean without saying what it is its impossible to say.

There is a huge sliding scale between someone who parked in parents and child without a kid once and someone who was a nazi who gassed people in the genocide.

The fact you say its not illegal but have strong personal moral objections would indicate its something like abortion, which would explain why your not posting what it is because lots of pro people would swarm the attack which would mean you know its not classed by most as 'right' vs 'wrong'.

Were they screaming in the Sistine Chapel?

Its fox-hunting or beagling, isn't it?

Maybe this person has a similar attitude to people with entrenched views on things?

Voted Tory?

Well done OP, for generating this much interest in your pointless thread. A new form of clickbait.

Not getting involved unless you tell us, these vague threads are so annoying 😒

OK OP - thanks for sharing.

Can’t believe no one has mentioned cheese then beans then cheese.

Are you seriously saying that what they did would be SO outing, you can’t possibly say?! Will one us reply saying-‘oh yeah-I know Dave!’?!

FFS. For all we know, you are massively overreacting here. But we’ll never know, because you won’t say what it is.

No one can say if you're unreasonable or not as your post is so vague, I mean they could have done something minor as a teenager that something that most people could forgive or it could be something awful.

I mean my grandad (who would be well into his 100s now) probably would have thought it would be unforgivable that my cousin was with a woman for a few years when she was younger but he would of course be unreasonable to feel that way.

Could be something like blacking up which many comedians have done in the past and now apologise for.

(And obviously normal people did it to, just wasn't captured on tv or brought up 20 years later)

I don't think most people would be shocked by fox hunting as they'd know the person was that sort of country horse riding person I'd assume. Not really a one off activity.

Dealbreaker for me.

I had the opposite reaction when, in my late teens, I found out someone in my friendship group did something I profoundly disagreed with (shooting animals for sport). It made me realise that people could do things I profoundly disagreed with and still be decent and good people. Unless they are doing something really beyond the pale (watching images of child sex abuse, beating the crap out of their partner and so on) this would not cause me to dislike them as a person. In that case, most people don't view animal life as worth much, so I can see why a otherwise good person would think likewise.

For what it’s worth, I found out someone I knew and liked was a rabid Trump supporter. It wasn’t just that they supported him but it became pretty obvious that she was a racist. I had never heard anything like that from her before and was shocked by the stuff she started posting on social media. For me that is just not acceptable so we are no longer friends but I still find it hard to wrap my head around someone who seemed so genuinely nice having those kind of repugnant beliefs. I think that probably makes me very naive though. It’s sad to find out someone you thought you knew isn’t the person who you thought they were.

Foxhunting or similar?

If the OP had no idea that the family member had done this 'thing' then there's no chance that they're going to be outed on an anonymous forum. I mean, it clearly wasn't something that hit the headlines and named the person involved.

Schoolboy error OP. You need to be more convincing next time you start a thread with a teaser.

clickbait.

Why name change and still not say? What is the point?