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Original poster

Finding out something controversial about family member

162 replies

Howtofeelnow · 15/08/2022 00:12

Nc in case they’re on here considering this was a conversation today

Found out today a family member used to do something in the past that I believe is fairly controversial. I had no idea. I’m very strongly against the thing they did, and tbh think most (decent) people are.

no real indication they were aware I might be anti the thing they did. no indication of whether they’d ever do it again.

I’m really shocked and disappointed. I love this person but somehow can’t see them in the same way. I know people disagree about things obviously but I really, really feel like this is a conflict in core values…probably not making sense still just a bit 😨

OP posts:
SnoozyLucy7 · 15/08/2022 07:08

What ever it is, if it’s in the past, and they no longer engage in whatever you find so very offensive, I think that it is fairly unreasonable of you to hold it against them.

Maybe they look back and deeply regret having been involved or having done this. Maybe, at the time, they were forced to do it. Perhaps, back then they were just young and immature and didn’t understand what they were getting themselves into. And there are other many potential scenarios.

Bemyclementine · 15/08/2022 07:09

Toilet brush in the dishwasher?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/08/2022 07:13

Hunting?

DFOD · 15/08/2022 07:13

Set the hares running …..?

SurpriseSurprise · 15/08/2022 07:16

Depends what it was and if it’s legal or not

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2022 07:21

Ridiculous

Wonnle · 15/08/2022 07:22

They didn't vote Tory did they ?

35965a · 15/08/2022 07:24

OK what did they actually do.

TokyoTen · 15/08/2022 07:44

Too vague to comment!

lolaspinola · 15/08/2022 07:44

If it’s something they used to do it’s history. They trusted you enough to confide in you.
Not everyone is perfect/ had the best Up bringing/ made the right choices when they were young.It’s how we go forward that matters. I hope you can find it in yourself to be more understanding.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 15/08/2022 07:46

My guess is prostitution. Or working in a strip club.

NRogers · 15/08/2022 07:50

NewBootsAndRanty · 15/08/2022 01:00

Did they put cheese then beans on their jacket potato instead of beans then cheese?

Cheese and then beans is so much better. Cheese melts way faster.

FizzyNeko · 15/08/2022 07:50

Why are there so many replies about fox hunting, is it a really common thing?

SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 07:53

If it was "cream first" it's fully understandable that you can never view them the same again!

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2022 07:56

There's a vast difference between torturing kittens and being a lap dancer. The former I'd struggle to come to terms with, the other I might raise an eyebrow but that's it. But you might think lap dancing is the root of all evil.
Regardless, give it time to sink in and look
at who the person is today. Many of us have don't something we'd never do now. Is there nothing in your past?

Original poster
Howtofeelnow · 15/08/2022 07:56

ha some of these made me laugh!

It would be too outing to have said what they revealed, I thought that much would be obvious. Some of the responses have helped me think through what I’m feeling tho so thank you

to answer some questions, it wasn’t criminal. I have no idea whether they’d do it again because I was so shocked I moved the conversation on swiftly as I didn’t know what to say

it’s nothing to do with religion or politics -
I think they do actually vote Tory, which I personally think is unforgivable but hey, I knew that about them and understand we’re all different etc etc

i think the cruz of it is I don’t think you can support this and be a ‘good’ person which I know is probably too black and white of me but is my honest gut reaction

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 15/08/2022 08:02

They use toilet brushes?

SuePerdupa · 15/08/2022 08:05

Did he used to bum pigs in an abattoir? Or wear women's pants to church? Both odd, one slightly more. However, I could forgive one, but always picture home doing the other around Christmas time when our paths would meet
HTH

Northernparent68 · 15/08/2022 08:06

Too outing ? So they are the only person in the country who does this activity? It’s likely they don’t need or want your judgment or approval, I expect they’ve already picked up your attitude.

larkstar · 15/08/2022 08:15

Perhaps you need to understand the reasons behind their choices - their circumstances etc - it's easy to say lock up all shoplifters until you find a desperate mother stealing nappies for her newborn. Life is full of grey areas where decisions are influenced by many conflicting factors.

SnoozyLucy7 · 15/08/2022 08:23

Howtofeelnow · 15/08/2022 07:56

ha some of these made me laugh!

It would be too outing to have said what they revealed, I thought that much would be obvious. Some of the responses have helped me think through what I’m feeling tho so thank you

to answer some questions, it wasn’t criminal. I have no idea whether they’d do it again because I was so shocked I moved the conversation on swiftly as I didn’t know what to say

it’s nothing to do with religion or politics -
I think they do actually vote Tory, which I personally think is unforgivable but hey, I knew that about them and understand we’re all different etc etc

i think the cruz of it is I don’t think you can support this and be a ‘good’ person which I know is probably too black and white of me but is my honest gut reaction

You say it wasn’t criminal but you can’t support this, what ever it is, and be a “good” person, and yet this is in the past, it’s just history. You weren’t there, obviously you didn’t get an explanation because you moved the conversation along. I know that you are entitled to your gut reaction, but I think this comes off as unnecessarily judgmental.

Good people are capable of bad things, equally bad people are capable of good things, and all the shades in between.

loislovesstewie · 15/08/2022 08:24

One of my ancestors was sentenced to death for bestiality with a sheep ( true, BTW). Perhaps I am guilty by association?

Sunnyqueen · 15/08/2022 08:28

No one can possibly give you an opinion without knowing what you're talking about. I would have thought that was obvious. On the whole though unless it involved illegally hurting people it probably wouldn't make me think bad of them.

Dalaidramailama · 15/08/2022 08:29

yep I’ve got adult siblings who sell drugs for a living. Makes it really really hard to maintain relationships. They try harder than me to be honest. It’s difficult when the values are SO SO SO different. The space between us gets wider with every passing year now.

Georgeskitchen · 15/08/2022 08:32

Is this mysterious 'activity " still legal?
Is it some sort of cult/religion?
If you can tell us what it is then we can judge whether or not you're being precious