Finding out something controversial about family member

[Howtofeelnow]

Nc in case they’re on here considering this was a conversation today

Found out today a family member used to do something in the past that I believe is fairly controversial. I had no idea. I’m very strongly against the thing they did, and tbh think most (decent) people are.

no real indication they were aware I might be anti the thing they did. no indication of whether they’d ever do it again.

I’m really shocked and disappointed. I love this person but somehow can’t see them in the same way. I know people disagree about things obviously but I really, really feel like this is a conflict in core values…probably not making sense still just a bit 😨

It's obviously dogging.

(I put the cheese on before the beans.)

I put cheese, beans and then another layer of cheese

Op - too vague

Socks with sandals?
Beat his wife?
Cut in line at Tesco?
Benefit fraud?
Vote Conservative?

WHAT!!!!??

Oh come on

Racist, homophobic and straight out illegal (pedo, rapist, physically, mentally, coercively, financially abusive, are seriously my boundaries

Doesn't sound like they have done anything illegal. My mind immediately went to cross-dressing, but I think I'm wrong.

OP seems to have deliberately not mentioned whether male or female, but as they think there's a chance they might be on here (on MN) it's more likely they are female.

Agree with others: too vague

I put cream cheese in the beans and more cheese on top

MIL puts BUTTER then clotted cream and then jam on her scones - now that really does conflict with my core values

Let the past stay there

Member of The Neighbourhood Watch Alliance?

@Mothership4two
cream cheese you say?
Interesting…..

Posts a vague thread on MN and disappears to bed?

Still decorates with grey colour scheme

Leaves their washing out overnight

Uses a tumble drier despite the summer we've had

Listen to and repeats family gossip on MN

Come on OP...

Well I would hope so @ChellyT

Fox Hunting or Prostitution?

🤣🤣🤣

It's dogging isn't it ?
(Scones...full-fat salted butter , then jam - preferably blackcurrant or raspberry , then softly whipped double cream)

Outrageous @Cagedbirdsinging, it HAS to be clotted cream

@Mothership4two ...I'm so sorry .
I'm not sure I will ever change though .

I’m very strongly against the thing they did, and tbh think most (decent) people are.

But were they then, at the time this person was doing it? Ultimately, society has norms and most people align with those norms to some extent, and over time those norms evolve thanks to the outliers, and that's how society functions. And it's not all one way traffic (not all change is progress) - e.g. watching porn is more acceptable now than in 1970. Physical violence is far less so.

Also kind of depends how that person feels about it now. I think we probably all have things we did when we were younger that we're now not that impressed with ourselves for with hindsight.

I would forget about it. Or you could ask them privately about it, then forget about it.

Drug dealing?
Prostitution?
Boris Johnson's barber?

Need more info.

@Mothership4two "MIL puts BUTTER then clotted cream and then jam on her scones - now that really does conflict with my core values"

No, just no. I love butter and adore clotted cream (yes, I could be persuaded to worship it), but that's just criminal.

Salted butter then raspberry jam then clotted cream. On an unfruited scone. The saltiness of the butter sets off the sweetness nicely.

<cries in dietary restriction>

Unless they were a rapist, peado or serial killer I do think you are being unreasonable.

many of us have people in our families that have done things that we know are wrong. Some of those family members have even hurt us.

a revelation can change the way you feel about a person. It can change your level of trust. It’s not easy to simply walk away from family though. We may even still love family members who have done truly awful things.

it is important to set boundaries to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. It is also important to remember that people grow and change. Allowing family the chance for redemption if they have earned it is important.

Cruel 😂😂😂

Used a checkered tablecloth with plaid curtains?

Killed an elephant and posed with its tail in a photo?

There’s degrees.

I answered that you’re being unreasonable on the grounds that you expect us to somehow know if you’re being fair or not when we do not even know what happened.