Page 8 | Husband had a private lapdance

Skye90 · 2022-08-14T21:07:40+00:00

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single. Not sure how I feel about it tbh. AIBU

StreetwiseHercules · 15/08/2022 01:17

Terfydactyl · 15/08/2022 01:13

Dont read the threads?
I've never had a lapdance, so no I'm no saint but I dont treat women like that.

You do know that women are often treated as disposable by men? It's not a one way street. You go tell the men off and see where that gets you.

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So is treating other human beings as disposable bad or is it not?

WinterDeWinter · 15/08/2022 01:18

About 40 posts in and no one has mentioned that being the kind of man thats ok with buying the body of a woman with few choices for kicks would make him an exploitative cunt.

ked89 · 15/08/2022 01:19

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 01:00

Not all stag and hen dos do. I went for a dinner and then went to see an ABBA musical. Didn't get drunk. Didn't feel hangover the next day. Didn't have anything I regretted. I was 29 on my hen do so hardly an old lady. Different people have different preferences for their stag and hen dos

Quite, I didn't have any sort of hen do. I bucked the trend and declined all offers. I just didn't want one. But if you're on somebody else's hen do, you are more or less in thrall to their plans. This is sometimes not about your own stag/hen.
It's what happens when you go to somebody else's.

True. That's why if for one or for both it's in issue, partners need to discuss it beforehand. We both agreed that if that happened during a stag/hen do, neither of us would physically walk into the strip club. I did in the beginning question whether my now DH would have the ego strength to tell his friends he's not going in, but now many years later i know his character much better and trust that he actually wouldn't walk in one of them and would go home at that point. But yes, of course, more difficult when you're at a friends do and can't control what happens.

ked89 · 15/08/2022 01:21

FromEden · 15/08/2022 01:10

Let’s reverse it OP. You’re at a hen do and there is a chippendale type dancer/stripper, you’re drunk along with all your friends. Would you 100% never get involved with getting a bit of a dance or licking some cream off him or whatever it is they do?

Or a bit of dry humping/grinding on his erect penis? That's the equivalent really isn't it? The purpose of a lapdance is arousal, not having a laugh like male strippers often are.

Although I assume having a male stripper is meant to be more for fun than sexual arousal, I would not feel comfortable with that either. I would definitely not "enjoy" a dance and definitely not lick ice cream of anyone. That would be cheating in my eyes!

Pyewhacket · 15/08/2022 01:23

StreetwiseHercules · 15/08/2022 00:59

Husbands, partners, boyfriends, specifically and especially men, are viewed as lesser humans by many on this site. Disposable, to be thrown away in disgust the moment they do not meet the standards imposed upon them, often in retrospect, by the saintly posters who have never made a mistake or done anything questionable in their lives.

I think it is awful how much the site encourages, promotes and provokes the break up of families, often on the flimsiest of rationales. Every day, people here are advocating the end of living relationships without a thought for the heartbreak involved not just of those involved but of their children.

They present themselves are moral, whereas those who propose calmness and reason are portrayed as simpering, “cool wives” etc.

There are hundreds of posters here who feed on drama and feast on rage. I honestly wonder what makes them like this.

They're keyboard warriors. Hiding behind the anonymity of it. The worrying thing is somebody might actually take on board the utter bollocks peddled with such authority.

Itisasecret · 15/08/2022 01:24

WinterDeWinter · 15/08/2022 01:18

About 40 posts in and no one has mentioned that being the kind of man thats ok with buying the body of a woman with few choices for kicks would make him an exploitative cunt.

This is also true. However the sickos harping on about children buying future sex services is the hill I’ve chosen to die on. How sick do people have to be. Just Eugh. I feel for their children if that’s the aspirations they are planting in their heads.

marblemad · 15/08/2022 01:26

Regardless of marriage once you are committed to someone and you decide to pursue and intimate interaction with someone else that's it for me. No more relationship or marriage. It's cheating.

ked89 · 15/08/2022 01:27

Also, don't people discuss what their boundaries are with their friends? Should a visit to a strip club be such a surprise? I mean, wouldn't your friends know where you stand (and vice versa) on such a subject? I mean when my hen do was planned I said on numerous occasions that I didn't want this and that. Maybe men aren't as open in talking about such things but surely it would have come up in a conversation beforehand?and if you know it is planned and you and your spouse are against it, surely you just wouldn't go, no? Obviously no problem if the couple are ok with it.

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 01:31

Saintly I’m not. The children know that. They happily talk to me about stuff. We made
good choices, we are well off and our daughter doesn’t have to be a sex worker. She’s thinking surgeon

With respect. Things don't always pan out the way you hope.
99.99% that she won't need to be a sex worker. But there's a long road to travel to be a surgeon.

We are well off enough to support our daughters in the direction they want to go.
But their ambitions at age 19 are very different to where they eventually find their slot. My youngest daughter has recently taken a 50% pay cut from a big tech company where she earned 80k, to managing the tech for a local charity that provides jobs for people with LD. She now earns 40k but feels that her commitment and effort are doing a huge amount more for society than when she was being paid twice as much, for doing the same thing, for a huge company.

At her age, and with her earning potential, I don't think I'd have given up the big wage. I've obviously brought her up to be better than me.

Anyway, surgeon is at least 14 years from qualifying as a medic.

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 01:37

Why do you think it is insecurity?

I don't. That's why I wrote what I wrote

Itisasecret · 15/08/2022 01:40

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 01:31

Saintly I’m not. The children know that. They happily talk to me about stuff. We made
good choices, we are well off and our daughter doesn’t have to be a sex worker. She’s thinking surgeon

With respect. Things don't always pan out the way you hope.
99.99% that she won't need to be a sex worker. But there's a long road to travel to be a surgeon.

We are well off enough to support our daughters in the direction they want to go.
But their ambitions at age 19 are very different to where they eventually find their slot. My youngest daughter has recently taken a 50% pay cut from a big tech company where she earned 80k, to managing the tech for a local charity that provides jobs for people with LD. She now earns 40k but feels that her commitment and effort are doing a huge amount more for society than when she was being paid twice as much, for doing the same thing, for a huge company.

At her age, and with her earning potential, I don't think I'd have given up the big wage. I've obviously brought her up to be better than me.

Anyway, surgeon is at least 14 years from qualifying as a medic.

What’s your point? We know that, she knows that. By the way she’s still a school child not 19 and this is her chosen path for now. Thankfully my husband has a long successful career in tech unlike your daughter so we have the savings for it.

Is your point out school age daughter could still turn to sex work? That’s a bit sick no? Thankfully we are all off enough she’ll be funded.

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 01:51

Husbands, partners, boyfriends, specifically and especially men, are viewed as lesser humans by many on this site. Disposable, to be thrown away in disgust the moment they do not meet the standards imposed upon them, often in retrospect, by the saintly posters who have never made a mistake or done anything questionable in their lives.
I think it is awful how much the site encourages, promotes and provokes the break up of families, often on the flimsiest of rationales. Every day, people here are advocating the end of living relationships without a thought for the heartbreak involved not just of those involved but of their children.
They present themselves are moral, whereas those who propose calmness and reason are portrayed as simpering, “cool wives” etc.
There are hundreds of posters here who feed on drama and feast on rage. I honestly wonder what makes them like this

100% agree with this.

Women make mistakes too. This is mumsnet, so we don't hear from men who have been badly treated. Not so much.

Anyway
StreetwiseHercules
I'm somewhere close to agreeing with you.

brightonbeachbaby88 · 15/08/2022 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Hi all - we're afraid that we don't believe the OP is genuine. We've removed their threads and posts.

cofingalthetime · 15/08/2022 01:58

I think it kinda shows his attitude to women - personally I don't like strip clubs even if they are a 'tradition' for stag do's. I think it's demeaning for women. I think that would affect me a lot - I can't imagine any decent guys I have known going along with this and getting a private dance, even if they had to go to the strip club as part of the stage do. I think you need to examine your own feelings though.

Cyclemarine · 15/08/2022 02:16

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 14/08/2022 22:37

I am slightly perplexed at the volume of dealbreaker comments. It makes me feel sad there’s lots of relationships out there ready to be chucked out at a hypothetical scenario. Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship? (Discounting DA scenarios, etc).

Yeah I feel the same, but I suspect some
of the women claiming they would leave, may not if the situation actually
occurs to them though.

I’ve honestly never heard of a woman leaving her husband because of a one-off lap dance at a drunken party and can’t imagine it - unless it was the final straw in an already failing marriage.

Wheresmymoneytree · 15/08/2022 02:23

Itisasecret · 15/08/2022 01:14

Oh get in the bin. The desperation to sexualise children is a bit sick.

Show quote history

I’m not sexualising children. I gave an example of a friend that was 18 and worked there for a few years: 18/19 aren’t children. Your children are individuals with their own brains making their own decisions.

I clarify my point that you are pretending to not grasp. You have brought your children up a certain way, what they do without you knowing when they are adults you will never know. At no point have I said anybody, especially children should be pushed into sex work but you have claimed I have.

I have never said that your children should be pushed into paying for sex. My point there was that you were claiming your children would be nowhere near it because they have money, that’s a very closed and in my experience incorrect outlook.

When I started uni a couple of the boys living in my halls were absolutely loaded and had come from very sheltered lifestyles where things such as lap dances were seen as dirty…. Guess how they rebelled when they got their first sniff at freedom without mummy watching over them.

My friend that worked as a lap dancer, came from a very comfortable family, she started it as a gym style class and got offered a job and loved it. My friend is worth no less than your children based on her career path, you are no better than her just because you look down on people different to yourself.

Twisting someone’s words to say what you want them to say is a sign you’ve already lost the argument.

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 02:32

I did in the beginning question whether my now DH would have the ego strength to tell his friends he's not going in, but now many years later i know his character much better and trust that he actually wouldn't walk in one of them and would go home at that point. But yes, of course, more difficult when you're at a friends do and can't control what happens

My husband would tell me he wouldn't. but i know him better than that so I know he probably would, under peer pressure. He'd just go with the flow.

It's not like it's an everyday occurrence. It's only a 'thing' when men go off on a stag party. It's not like he'd trot off into town and pay for a lap dance every other Wednesday and Saturday.

It's a one off random thing. A stag do thing.

Blueink · 15/08/2022 02:33

Every relationship has its boundaries. It seems he knows he broke yours. This too would give me the ‘ick’ for many of the reasons mentioned.

HRTQueen · 15/08/2022 02:46

Only you can decide what your boundaries are op and at the moment you are upset

its a sad reflection in society that yet again women are having to reevaluate what is ok and not ok in their relationships

how has it got to the point that it’s just a bit of fun a man pays for a woman to rub her genitals over him it’s not that long ago this would have been considered extremely sleezy

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 03:06

Thankfully my husband has a long successful career in tech unlike your daughter so we have the savings for it

Unlike my daughter? She could pop back in anytime she likes to earn big bucks.
But her choice is to focus her tech skills in a local support scheme that has been recently flourishing. They normally couldn't afford someone of her calibre, and are delighted and can't believe their luck that she would step in and take care of their website and 100+ payroll. And everything else that might pop up.

She has 3 degrees, a 2.1 in maths from Oxford. A first in law from Warwick.
And a further M.Sc from the University of Cambridge.

So she's not daft.

moonfacebaby · 15/08/2022 03:18

It’s grim. I’d not be able to look at him in the same way either - that’s down to him thinking he can objectify a woman enough to pay for her to do this.

My ex-husband wouldn’t have gone anywhere near a stag do like this either.

I’m pretty sure 95% of my friendship circle - including the men - would think the same and would not be up for that type of stag do vibe.

My current relationship- he knows that I’d not tolerate him doing it but he’d never go anywhere hear a lap dancing club anyway. I’d not be able to see him in the same way again if I knew he thought that was an ok thing to do.

There’s also no way I’d ever go to see a male stripper and no hen do I’ve ever attended has included this - it’s naff.

FunnyBeaux · 15/08/2022 03:28

WinterDeWinter · 15/08/2022 01:18

About 40 posts in and no one has mentioned that being the kind of man thats ok with buying the body of a woman with few choices for kicks would make him an exploitative cunt.

You might want to listen to the 50 plus a tip podcast and get informed. The only ones who harm lapdancers are the self-righteous people like you who condemn their customers.

TheGraceFace · 15/08/2022 03:30

Tanktop · 14/08/2022 23:06

Honestly couldn't and didn't care. Hubby's boss paid for lap dances for some of the guy at a works mens night out. All professionals so not your typical lads lads. I knew they were going to a lap bar and he told me as soon as he got home. I was more curious to find out what happened than annoyed. I am sure some of the other wives may have felt completely different about it but I didn't see it as a massive deal.

All professional? 😆

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 03:34

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:29

He was honest and told me when he got back. He’s apologised and said he regretted it the minute he got out, will never happen again etc

Ive asked him to give me some space as I do feel hurt just now, it’s the lack of respect for me, our marriage and the idea of him and another woman (topless/naked) alone in a room makes me shudder.

He's only being "honest" because he's shit scared you'll find out through one of his friends.

Too drunk to remember .... he would say that wouldn't he.

He "regretted" it after the woman had grinded up against him, oh dear how coincidental that was.

He'll never ever ever do it again, until the next time.

He's shown you who he is, just the fact he's gone on a stag night where it's expected behaviour says it all.

Jellytottss · 15/08/2022 03:42

What did he even tell you for? Ridiculous he should of kept it to himself. I think it's not surprising going with all single people tbh it's not that shocking that this happened.