Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

Yes of course! They chose to be a nurse. I also chose my carer(also a medical setting) and some days it's hard work, but again it's my choice.

Thank you for answering. My mind is made up for me, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in hearing why other people feel differently.

Why would anyone care?

Because some people have different morals? Has that really never occurred to you?

No problem, thanks for not shooting me down when giving my opinion! Its refreshing.

I'm going to be controversial and I really don't care if it offends by going with some of the posts is it any wonder men go to watch lapdancers, you'd think what I'm understand the women commenting go to bed with ankle length sleeved woollen nighties, duvet up to chin and make a pillow fortress. "I won't go to a male strippers, they offend me"

Seriously who doesn't appreciate a well toned masculine muscly hunk?
Men who see lapdancers appreciate a well toned womans body.
To me there's no difference.

I don't for a start. It's sad and those men are objectified obviously being men they have a choice, unlike the trafficked women but still, sleazy. Your cool wife disregard for women who have busy lives, kids and a body with battle scars is incredibly insensitive. I wouldn't care if my husband got pissed and snogged someone who was free to make that decision, but I would care if he thought supporting the exploitation of vulnerable GIRLS!

I guess it depends if he knew your views on it before he went and did it. If he knew you were against it and did the whole I was drunk BS then that's a dealbreaker.

For me my DH knows I wouldn't be happy at all, I doubt I'd leave him over it but it would definitely ruin a lot of trust for me and we would really have to work on gaining it back. It would potentially be the beginning of the end.

"Let’s reverse it OP. You’re at a hen do and there is a chippendale type dancer/stripper, you’re drunk along with all your friends. Would you 100% never get involved with getting a bit of a dance or licking some cream off him or whatever it is they do?" I have always refused to be in that kind of situation because I also think that is disgusting and immoral tbh.

And I think its 2022. People are offended by all sorts of stupid shit but still defend the rights of stag and hen parties. Grow up, move on. It's not 1973.

My charity in Pattaya, Thailand is there to protect girls from British men in exactly the same situation.

Do you mean you are protecting them in Thailand, or from the being brought to the UK.

Well done for have setting up or supporting a charity that helps these women.

Do you have a link?

Well when someone tries to sexually assault you in the course of your job, do you think well that's my fault I chose a career that meant I got close to people?

What do you think about the amount of times this women "who chose to be lap dancers" have to defend themselves from sexual assault, do you think "well they chose that job", it's their fault.

I find you attitude that they chose to do this, when many are trafficked and coerced both blinkered and appalling.

Sorry its something I support and travel there regularly to help call them out. It's a hotel called Birds and Bees who rescue young people and train them in hospitality. Locally its known as cabbages and condoms meaning they provide alternative training and also sex education and safeguarding training in schools. But you would never believe the volume of men there, lots of alone m8ddle aged men but also great big groups of stags picking girls outside clubs and paying the pimps. 13 to 16 years old usually. It's vile.

...how could you possibly respect someone who pays them, knowing they wouldn’t do it otherwise?

I'm trying to think of anyone I pay to do anything who would do it if I didn't.

Nope, can't. Everyone I pay, I know they wouldn't do it otherwise.

That made me feel nauseous. Bleurgh.

Have you ever come across the notion that people like different things?

Chippendale ‘hunks’ do absolutely nothing for me whatsoever. You might be tempted to believe that there is something wrong or odd about me in this, but you’d be completely wrong.

The sort of thing that lights my fire are tall, skinny, geeky men, especially if they’re good at writing poetry or lyrics. They also tend to be the sort of man that wouldn’t go anywhere near a strip club!

And for what it’s worth, I don’t usually wear anything in bed. 😬

I wouldn't be impressed if my DH did this but at the same time I wouldn't see it as a huge deal. I'd move on pretty quickly.

Well what about the women commenting that they're fine that their partners go to these clubs? Are they sexually repressed too, given their partners also pay for lap dances?
Or do you think on reflection, that maybe your theory is just a little bit silly?

Great sex life thanks, after many years of marriage. Good sex for me is built on trust and knowing each others likes, dislikes.

Not sure the threat of your either start being more sexual and do what I want you to do or I am deservedly allowed to got to a lap dancing club and get sexually aroused there and then "sort myself out", as so many are saying it's only dancing and nothing further, would be much of a turn on.

But I suppose some women sadly will marry men that would say the "I am entitled to objectify other women, because you're not enough for me", very sad though.

Good point

Am ex was invited to a stag do abroad which to me just looked like sex tourism. I told him I thought it was disgraceful. He didn't argue and didn't go. But the fact he entertained the thought for even a second made respect him less. I did actually go to the wedding and I just remember pitying the bride. The groom was a police officer too which just makes me feel sick. Now I'm older, I would make a complaint to the police force about this and I certainly wouldn't attend the wedding.

I think it is a little bit of both. I think if a couple is relaxed about this kind of thing then it’s fine but once a partner says “no I really would not be comfortable with you doing that.” then it should not happen. Whatever happens after the lap dance is on them and the other partner has the full right to be angry. Men who disregard their wives feelings about these kinds of things usually move on to things like “oh it was just a bit of flirting.” “It was just a few texts.” “Stop being so sensitive we’re just close friends!” “it was only sex nothing more I swear.”

The people saying they are being a wet blanket about it. Well do we all need to worry about being a wet blanket when enforcing personal and bodily boundaries both for ourselves and our marriages? If that kind of thing bothers you maybe you are not mature enough to be married. If your friends put you in situations like that in the first place you might need to find new friends who are a bit more grown up. Especially if they are not understanding when you say “I’m not okay with this.” Kind of lame friends but also lame if you can’t stand up to them.

Just ask him how he would feel if you wiggled your naked body in a man's face that you didn't know and you exchanged money for it...I don't think he would like it some how. The double standards of men.

I'm a carer, not a job I'd do unless I got paid for it.

The point made was that they aren't seeking to do anything with someone's partner/husband beyond dance for them.