Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

exploitation d'oh!

I think it all depends on what you think and how you feel about it. Many on this thread have different views about it so it really all boils down to your feelings about it. It is your marriage, nobody elses.

Did your husband know how you felt about lap dances before he went? For me, this is a huge factor I have said to DH that I would see a lap dance as a betrayal so if he did it knowing this then I'd struggle to get over it as I'd see this as worse than the lap dance itself because he did it knowing how I felt about it.

Another factor would be, would his lap dance have got back to you if he hadn't told you about it? If not, then the fact he told you shows he felt bad enough about it to tell you. However, if it could get back to you and he only told you before you heard it from someine else, that'd affect things with me too.

I hope things work out whatever you decide.

Dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, but I have been married to just one man for a lot of years. Very happy together, mutual respect and lot's of fun and laughter leads to that.

I am sure that spoils your narrative, maybe you're scared of further break ups?

It's all part and parcel of sexual objectification and exploitation. I don't understand why you need to separate out the bits you think aren't as bad.

It is more the escalation throughout the thread. It's always the same scenario.

Because how bad something is regulates what is an appropriate and proportionate response. Understand?

So, do you think that the OPs DH had done his research to confirm that he was frequenting one of your positive representations? Do you think that he ensured that the girls weren't being exploited and it was not seedy? Do you think that before entering a place where women are potentially being exploited, it would be reasonable to ensure that this was not one of those?

Or did he just think fuck it, I fancy a sexual thrill, I'll just say I was drunk and it was peer pressure?

Honestly, I bet they took more time looking at the trip adviser reviews for their hotel and restaurants. Some people put that above human lives.

Well, this thread took a few twists and turns, for sure.

OP, if my DH came home and told me that my first reaction would be "jeez, how much did you spend?" followed by "i hope you have a massive 3 day hangover"

I am not a fan of strip clubs and lap-dancing. I would be kind of ok with them if i knew for sure that all the women working in them (men too, i guess) are doing it completely of their own free will, and that boundaries around touching are strictly enforced. And that the dancers get to refuse particular punters for any reason they like and don't have to articulate those reasons.

As a very young newly married woman, this would have been a deal breaker, as would using a prostitute or cheating on me. At this stage? I'd call him a sad old git, and remind him about exploitation. And that would be it because I'm not ending a decades old marriage over a drunken idiotic moment. (having said that - it would also depend how much money was involved)

So far so good, we are all different and our thresholds for this type of thing varies, and varies within a relationship over time and under different circumstances.

For the "he only told you so you don't find out another way" crew: yes. That is why you tell people things, but it is not the only reason. OP's DH might now be mortified, about the lapdancing, about the cost, about being so drunk he didn't know what he was doing. He told her unprompted and that actually says good things about him whatever his motives.

"but you use nail bars" - well no. Personally i don't because i did a study of human trafficking and found out about this. Every time i see one i want to picket it. (not the ones run by locals, we tend to know which ones they are). Having said that: i don't blame anyone for not knowing, but i would think badly if once knowing about it they continue to use them.

Stripping and lapdancing - anyone who doesn't know the potential for a strong connection to trafficking and coercion should probably not be allowed out on their own.

Bottom line: nobody needs lapdances. I hope OPs husband is contrite and ashamed, didn't spend too much and never does it again.

I'm thinking that these aren't cheap escapades!

Stripping and lapdancing - anyone who doesn't know the potential for a strong connection to trafficking and coercion should probably not be allowed out on their own.

Exactly!

its all on personal preference. I have friends which are super laid back see no harm in things like this, me however I don’t like it at all and it would be a deal breaker for me! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this

If on a stag do I would imagine these things may happen and I wouldn't be asking as I'm the jealous type- it's not cheating imo. I know strippers it's a job they are totally uninvolved and have zero interest in the guys they know how to get their money tho.

I only see your blinkered refusal to see how much harm the sex "industry" does.

Yes you do suffer from tunnel vision.

anyone who doesn't know the potential for a strong connection to trafficking and coercion

Just as much chance of benefitting from trafficking and coercion by paying for a £2 T shirt from Primark than having a lap dance. At least with the latter they’re getting paid more than 20p.

But who says those posters are ok with that?

You seem to think people are being hypocritical but you have no idea about what they do outside of this particular topic

Just as much chance of benefitting from trafficking and coercion by paying for a £2 T shirt from Primark than having a lap dance. At least with the latter they’re getting paid more than 20p.

yes but you're assuming that people who avoid nail bars because of trafficking, and avoid strip clubs because of coercion and trafficking are all clothing themselves at Primark. In my circle of friends we are very much aware of what we buy and where it comes from, but we're also aware that sometimes needs-must takes priority and the grim reality is that some people would have to go naked but for Primark.

Nobody needs to get their nails done, or go to a strip club. If you want your nails done by someone you know hasn't been traficked, then how about saving up what you'd spend in those places and go to a local salon where you know that is not the case? and just not go as often?

Back to the lapdance, i hope OP comes back and lets us know how she is.

The point is the chances of contributing to "human trafficking" from one lapdance at a stag do is minuscule. It's not an issue grounded in reality.

don't be soft. The demand creates the supply here.

I'll try and answer all your questions honestly 😊

"Open relationships aside..." This is interesting because if its a black and white definition of open relationship then no we aren't in one (we dont sleep with anyone else)... but the word boundaries has been used a lot in this thread and our boundaries allow each other to go to strippers on hens/stags. Simple as that..maybe then it could be called a very mild open relationship? Anyway we're both OK with it.

How's it different to a woman down the pub? Because there are no emotional feelings when my husband goes to a strippers on a stag do. In either direction. I mean if he came home and pined over her, and continued texting her/meeting up then yeah I'd be upset 🤣

As for being embarrassed by him being drunk/making a fool of himself... he's not generally that kind of drunk tbh. And if he was, thats not exclusive to being in a strip joint... that would be the case for just being out in public in general being a drunken mess ...I don't think less of him either, no.

As for the welfare issue, honestly it's not something I've thought about. I would need to read more into it. All I know from my experience is one of my friends who was a stripper and she wasn't being exploited (rather she made it clear she was exploiting rich business men as she only done weekdays in a financial city so that was her usual clientle).

This is just my opinions on why I don't see it as in issue but as I've said in my post, people have their minds made up but you did ask so I've answered.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes.

My heart would tell me that's it, over, I would feel betrayed. The fact he told me straight away would work in his favour.

My head would ask me if it's enough to throw away a 10 year relationship with a 5 year old sat in the middle.

The outcome would probably be somewhere in between, where we have a difficult few weeks discussing, I would make it very clear that any whiff of a repeat would end the relationship and I'd attempt to move on.

I'd give it 6 months then time will speak for itself and if I decide by then I can't move past it I would end, but I'd want to at least try.

It's never really come up in our relationship so far because it's just a given that neither of us would be happy with the other doing this.

Only you can judge.