Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

It isn't wrong to put all of these activities in the same sordid, exploitative basket.

Might have been to and paid for more non lapdance dances than lap dances on his life. But stag dos don’t have a tradition of going to the ballet….

Intoxication - Not a defence, it can't be used as one, yeah in the 1950s it was used for men to beat wives (sorry officer I was drunk and I lashed out at her), not a reason for any bad behaviour now?

Group Peer Pressure - I assumed the "man" was an adult.

I don't think these mitigating circumstances really are acceptable.

Do you use the same argument for woman who get there nails done at nail salons?

I refused to let a friend take dd to have her nails painted at one of these types of nail bars a few years back. Told her I didn't feel comfortable with it as I'd heard many of the women may have been trafficked here and it's often a case of modern day slavery, so unless she could guarantee that wasn't the case I didn't feel happy about it.

Friend was fine about it and didn't push.

I took dd elsewhere, to somewhere where it was far less likely to be the case.

So all women that are lap dancing are happy to do
so

none have been coerced none have drug issues none are vulnerable

well that’s all fine then yay and it’s great some men part with their money to help them with their chosen careers they deserve a 🏅

Oh dear, am I supposed to filter out the nice, acceptable bits of the "sex industry" ?

Of course lap "dancing" is part of the sex industry.

You said it was a dance, why are you back tracking? You highlighted the word lapdance, as an example that it contact the work dance!

*contained

It’s wrong to conflate them which is what has happened on this thread.

How would you feel if a thread about upskirting had posts saying that it’s the same as rape? And making comments to that effect?

I’m not back tracking. It’s a dance. There repeated myself again.

So maybe explain why you're OK with it then, so people can understand? The people who wouldn't accept it have given numerous reasons why, yet all we've had so far from those who wouldn't mind is 'it's nothing'.
I'm genuinely interested in understanding why it's nothing?
Open relationships aside, how do you reconcile the fact that your partner has had a sexual experience with another woman?
In what way is it different from having a sexual encounter with a woman he might meet in the pub or a club? Would that be OK too?
Are you not concerned for the welfare of the women he was leering at? Do you not worry that they may have been very young and vulnerable?
Are you not embarrassed by the thought of him drunk and drooling and making a fool of himself? Do you not think less of him?

The actual issue is your ridiculous instance that lao dancing is not sexual, it is erotic/exotic!

So it's called a lap dance, does the woman actually stand on the mans lap and do the macarena? No, I don't think so, it's a sexual act that the man is paying for!

If you don't have random thoughts about the bigger picture, I suggest you do. Instead of "of well it's nothing, he was drunk and his BFF said if he didn't do it, then he wouldn't be his bestie anymore".

Really what I see is a person that's OH doesn't respect them enough to not pay for a woman to perform sexually in front of him. so she goes along with it.

Shame that's your relationship, but that's up to you. Do not however advise other people that they should be the same, because of mitigating fucking excuse that some women accept circumstances.

No, just apply some judgement & critical analysis to understand that it’s an umbrella term covering many different activities that are not all the same in terms of acceptability.

Yes I do actually. Worked with supporting women who had (some still) working in the sex industry and wanting to get out they were from all different backgrounds

and a close friend she was lap dancer then moved on to work what she called at the time an escort (I know this isn’t the pathway for all)

Its exactly how every woman on here defended the exact same pervy behaviours at hen dos. Goose and gander sauce and all that.

Well that's obviously not true for a start.

The actual issue is your ridiculous instance that lao dancing is not sexual, it is erotic/exotic!

I said lapdances are erotic dancing….how can you think that means “not sexual’?

Here let me expand your vocabulary

Erotic: adj. relating to sexual desire and pleasure
dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/erotic

How many of the women here have seen a male stripper at a hen do? How many have screamed at the male stripper to 'getemoff'? Yup

Lapdancers just do their job, they have zero interest of sleeping with any of the pervs on stag nights. Most only do it to get themselves through uni.
Trust me, as someone who formally used to do stuff like that. You are disgusted? Imagine how we felt.

Make him suffer for few weeks as payback, I'm sure you have some things round house to be done and a girls weekend away.

@Backtobacknow
Do not however advise other people that they should be the same, because of mitigating fucking excuse that some women accept circumstances.

It’s ok for you to advise women to handle this the same as you would, but not ok for me to do so because I have a different opinion? Well, you’ve let out your inner dictator there.

I'm not outraged. Frankly, I'm almost impressed at the level of obfuscation you've managed to keep up to avoid actually answering questions.

If my partner went and paid for a private lap, it would absolutely cause a serious problem in our relationship. Even if we stayed together, I think it would most likely be the beginning of the end. My partner knows how I feel about this - they can't claim to be ignorant of the effects of their actions.

If you're partner knows that you're fine with a one off drunken lap dance, then he's not disrespecting you or risking your relationship and it's quite a different situation altogether. From an outside perspective, I might still think he's a bit of a shit, but that's beside the point.

The OP is hurt by it and feels that she and her marriage have been disrespected. As would I. I object to the idea that we should put our own "fleeting feelings" aside to forgive men whose actions have shown little respect to us or our relationships. I do think that putting the onus on the OP and other women to ignore how they feel to save a relationship, while their husband is excused as having made a minor mistake is encouraging women to act like doormats.

Try reading this, it may enlighten your blinkered, my DH is a good boy and he didn't mean to do it attitude!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-28407999

The woman choose to do this job, they aren't forced.