Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

Oh come off it. " He's paying for a dance" what nonsense. He's paying a woman to debase herself for his sexual gratification.

Still a dance, it’s in the name lapdance. Not buying her body.

OP, have you never discussed this scenario or your POV at any point in your relationship? If you have and expressed that you wouldn't be on board that would be a big issue.

The fact the lapdance was private sounds concerning. You don't need to have a private dance at a club.

My stance is that if my DP came home and told me this it would warrant a discussion about what happened and why he chose to do it. As long as there was no physical contact and it was a one off I think I'd be fine with it.

There seems to be comments further up the thread almost dehumanising the women that choose to do this kind of work and portraying them as victims. I agree that in some circumstances they are highly vulnerable and doing this against their will but there are also places where women choose to do this work and for whatever reason they choose. I guess what I'm trying to say is a back street brothel/street worker is far more likely to have been trafficked/doing this against their will than a woman in a high street strip club chain.

I’d be pissed off but I wouldn’t give up on my marriage because of it. If his behaviour was like this all the time then yes.

I would be fuming and I really struggle to comprehend how some would be ok with it!

Totally agree its disrespectful and hurtful and it would break my trust tbh. Regardless of whether his friends participated too, single or not...where was his consideration for you?! If a man can get that drunk and not consider his partner/wife etc. then that gives little faith that I'd be able to trust him.

Funny as my ex did this, then he cheated. Whereas my husband would never ever do this as he respects me and has no desire to engage in that kind of behaviour.

Very hard to say if I'd leave because of it, but I'd certainly give him a very hard time and it would affect my trust for sure.

I hope you sort it out, whatever you decide x

I don't think you are. If you genuinely have no problem with your husband going to strip joints, then that's your prerogative .

The manner in which you're suggesting that women who do have a problem with this ought to act- basically to put up and shut up for the sake of the children, while the man's apparently not held to account for putting his fleeting titillation ahead of his marriage and family... Is very much suggesting that women act like doormats. Niiiiice.

Hmm, no if you “buy a woman” that’s slavery. That’s actually not the point of erotic/exotic dancing.

Please don’t conflate paying for a lapdance with the horrors of slavery. Especially with such a recent example of that being what ISIS did to the Yazidi women.

Oh of course, no difference whatsoever from going to see The Royal Ballet at Covent Garden.

Of course he is buying her body. He's buying the right to make her debase himself in front of him so that he can gawp at her for cheap, sexual kicks.

Nice irrelevant deflection there. The sex "industry" is built on buying bodies to use, masturbate into or over, gawp at and paw.

@Discovereads so you'd be as happy with your daughter lap dancing as if she were in a west end show dancing?

Because, it's just dancing?

She's just entertaining people?

But we are not talking about a husband that goes to strip joints. We are talking about a husband on a very drunken stag do having a private lapdance, then regretting it. A one off under mitigating circumstances that is unlikely to happen again. That’s a completely different context to a husband “that goes to strip clubs” and the fact you have to wheel out such an extreme fiction to prop up your Victorianesque outrage is very transparently manipulative.

Absolutely this.

But no side is going to change each others minds. The fact that some people would be bothered/ break up with their husbands/partners over going to a strippers on a stag do is completely alien to me no matter how much I'm called a "cool wife" 🤣 (and wtf is with that phrase... mocking women who dont agree with you, nice). On the flip side others can't comprehend how people can be ok with it.

Youre the one deflecting by making it about the whole sex industry which is mostly prostitution and porn.

@Discovereads mitigating circumstances? I've heard it all now!

Why is it acceptable for a man to be able to buy a women for his own sexual gratification (yes that goes for women buying men to and men buying men)

I wouldn’t think a partner paying to have sex (often rape) withba prostitute would be acceptable so why is another form of purchasing sexual gratification ok

how low are we expected to set the bar to keep men happy

I'd say that's the kind of thing that he should have asked permission for and been fine with you saying no, but people on this thread suggesting you break up over this (if that's all it was) are being utterly ridiculous.

Sounds like a absolute chad

Former lap dancer here. You do get totally naked for a private dance, bend over and open your legs. You also put everything in the guys face and grind on his lap. That's a standard private dance. It made me fucking hate men.

I didn’t say it was “just dancing” my point is that it is wrong to keep conflating a lapdance, which is a dance with sex slavery and prostitution by saying it is “buying a woman’s body” and other such hyperbole that imho disrespect the many victims of sex trafficking and slavery.

@Discovereads you don't think that working in a lap dancing club may lead to prostitution? You know someone offering an extra £££££ for a hand job etc?

You're very naive, if you don't!

Intoxication, stag do tradition, and group peer pressure are well known to be mitigating circumstances. 🤷‍♀️

Its exactly how every woman on here defended the exact same pervy behaviours at hen dos. Goose and gander sauce and all that.

So surely he’d be just as happy going to the ballet or a contemporary dance performance if he only wants to pay to see women dance?

Extremely low judging by some of the responses here.

Please stop trying to guess what I think and do not think about random what ifs. It’s all deflecting from the actual issue in the OP