Page 13 | Husband had a private lapdance

Skye90 · 2022-08-14T21:07:40+00:00

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single. Not sure how I feel about it tbh. AIBU

TambourineOfRepentance · 15/08/2022 09:58

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 09:06

Yes, being tolerant of your partner being only human and making occasional mistakes means we definitely want a return to the days of put up and shut up for the sake of children 🙄

The onus is on both partners to not cross boundaries, but again mistakes happen. And when a minor one like this happens, you have to weigh up your hurt versus the hurt divorce/separation would have on any DC you have. In this case, the fleeting feelings of disgust, disappointment, jealousy, dismay, anger are far outweighed by the years of hurt that splitting up a family does to children.

So it’s easy to tell women that it’s a deal breaker and to leave your DH of many years over this. But honestly that’s a knee jerk reaction and in some cases it is best to forgive and move on than it is to burn everything to ash in a rage,

Show quote history

The onus is on both partners to not cross boundaries, but again mistakes happen. And when a minor one like this happens, you have to weigh up your hurt versus the hurt divorce/separation would have on any DC you have. In this case, the fleeting feelings of disgust, disappointment, jealousy, dismay, anger are far outweighed by the years of hurt that splitting up a family does to children.

What constitutes a "big mistake" in your books when paying a semi naked woman to grind against you is only a minor one?

Why aren't men being asked to weigh up the fleeting feeling of titillation they'd get from a lap dance against the feelings of disgust, disappointment, jealousy, dismay, anger their wives or partners might feel? Or against the permanent damage it might do to a relationship if the wife has the temerity to be anything but a doormat about it.

Catriona898 · 15/08/2022 10:01

I don't understand why women (or men) being boundaried about this sort of thing is so difficult to understand? It seems like it is threatening to some people. Being married or committed to another person and expecting them to respect and protect the sexual aspect of the relationship is not asking too much. I personally would not tolerate it, and I haven't had to. I think it wouldn't be a momentary decision of "we are over", but rather a slow eroding of the relationship as it would highlight how differently we viewed the relationship.

Agrudge · 15/08/2022 10:04

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 22:50

For the posters who think it is fine, what if the women have been trafficked? No moral objections there?

Do you use the same argument for woman who get there nails done at nail salons?

winterlilies · 15/08/2022 10:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

knittingaddict · 15/08/2022 10:09

Neverendingdust · 15/08/2022 09:05

He was on a stag do and pissed, be thankful he wasn’t in Amsterdam or Bangkok is all I’ll say.

I’ve seen hen do’s savaging male strippers, all middle aged women probably most are married or partnered. It’s reallyno different.

It is similar behaviour, but I bet those on here saying they wouldn't like their partners to have a lap dance probably wouldn't see a male stripper either. I know I wouldn't.

Cosycover · 15/08/2022 10:10

If he met a woman in a bar and she did this for free it would be cheating.
I don't see how the exchange of money changes anything tbh.

I'd be getting a divorce 100%.

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2022 10:10

@Agrudge if they know that is a possibility then yes.

TambourineOfRepentance · 15/08/2022 10:13

Agrudge · 15/08/2022 10:04

Do you use the same argument for woman who get there nails done at nail salons?

Show quote history

Yes. I think a woman who knows that there's a significant problem with trafficking and salons, and continues to use them is acting immorally.
Next question?

winterlilies · 15/08/2022 10:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 10:15

@winterlilies

Do you think an essential aspect of life is using nail salons?

winterlilies · 15/08/2022 10:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 10:18

@winterlilies

If you purposely frequent an establishment known for coercive hiring practices and trafficking you're a bit of a shit tbh

It's why I don't use the local car washes, it's well known the issue with some business types and practices

Catriona898 · 15/08/2022 10:21

No, it's actually the other way around. The posters who said they wouldn't find it an issue were jumped on for being "cool wives" and are now having to defend themselves.

I can't be bothered going back to directly quote but off the top of my head this thread has advocated private lap-dances as normal and acceptable in stag-dos and therefore acceptable for your husband/partner to partake in, that people who say they would leave are acting tough on the internet, that to leave a relationship causes far more pain than the act itself, that any women who would consider it a threat to the relationship is just jealous (with the implied assumption that they should look to themselves to sort that out). I'm sure there is more. What have the "cool wives" had to defend themselves on? I wasn't that interested in that part of the thread. if that's fine in your relationship then that's nothing to do with me. It's not fine in mine and I don't see why that should be a problem to other people?

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 10:23

How do you survive in the real world? Genuine question.

Personally, I survive very well in the real world without having ever gone to strip clubs, nail bars or tanning salons. I do go to a hairdresser's. The staff are all very clearly locals.

winterlilies · 15/08/2022 10:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

shazzybazzy34 · 15/08/2022 10:25

I honestly don't think it would bother me in the slightest.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 10:25

@winterlilies

Why is it removed from reality

Those people are immoral or ignorant

Why else would they actively participate and fund such exploitative working practices?

Dinodigger · 15/08/2022 10:27

I haven't rtft yet but have the cool wives appeared yet... the ones who would actually pay for their husbands to have the dance or they tag along too for the wholesome fun.

winterlilies · 15/08/2022 10:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

5128gap · 15/08/2022 10:29

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 09:06

Yes, being tolerant of your partner being only human and making occasional mistakes means we definitely want a return to the days of put up and shut up for the sake of children 🙄

The onus is on both partners to not cross boundaries, but again mistakes happen. And when a minor one like this happens, you have to weigh up your hurt versus the hurt divorce/separation would have on any DC you have. In this case, the fleeting feelings of disgust, disappointment, jealousy, dismay, anger are far outweighed by the years of hurt that splitting up a family does to children.

So it’s easy to tell women that it’s a deal breaker and to leave your DH of many years over this. But honestly that’s a knee jerk reaction and in some cases it is best to forgive and move on than it is to burn everything to ash in a rage,

Show quote history

You can call it a minor mistake as much as you like, but that doesn't change your subjective opinion into a fact that applies to all women. Clearly there are many who see this as a huge deal for the reasons they've explained.
I think most people would agree that women shouldn't be persuaded to leave their partners over minor things, but neither should they be encouraged to compromise their principles.
For me, it wouldn't be about forgiveness. I'm not some superior being who can choose to absolve someone's sins. It would simply be a matter of deciding whether I wanted to continue to invest my time in a man who had shown himself to be the sort of sleezy individual that I find embarassing and repulsive. The answer to that would I suppose boil down to a cost benefit analysis.

Naunet · 15/08/2022 10:31

I would love to know why the women who would be ok with this, feel the need to mock the women who wouldn’t? Why the needs to call them jealous or insecure? You seem to want to shame them for their perfectly reasonable boundaries rather than supporting their right to have them.

If I was with a man who would object to another man striping naked and grinding up on me (and I suspect many men would have a problem with it), then I wouldn’t be ok with him having a woman do it either, irrelevant of if he’s paying for it.

Badgirlriri · 15/08/2022 10:34

StreetwiseHercules · 15/08/2022 00:59

Husbands, partners, boyfriends, specifically and especially men, are viewed as lesser humans by many on this site. Disposable, to be thrown away in disgust the moment they do not meet the standards imposed upon them, often in retrospect, by the saintly posters who have never made a mistake or done anything questionable in their lives.

I think it is awful how much the site encourages, promotes and provokes the break up of families, often on the flimsiest of rationales. Every day, people here are advocating the end of living relationships without a thought for the heartbreak involved not just of those involved but of their children.

They present themselves are moral, whereas those who propose calmness and reason are portrayed as simpering, “cool wives” etc.

There are hundreds of posters here who feed on drama and feast on rage. I honestly wonder what makes them like this.

I agree.

yet many then post how glad they are to be single and they’re never having a relationship with a man again.

so I suspect many are at home, trying to justify their own loneliness.

Loics · 15/08/2022 10:34

Agrudge · 15/08/2022 10:04

Do you use the same argument for woman who get there nails done at nail salons?

Show quote history

There are 4 members of staff at the nail salon I use, all born and still live within a few miles of the salon... Definitely not working there as a result of trafficking.

To answer the OP, not having read every single reply due to there now being 13 pages, I wouldn't tolerate it. I wouldn't be with the type of man who would have a lap dance, DP has always known this and has never wanted to go for one.

shazzybazzy34 · 15/08/2022 10:36

Naunet · 15/08/2022 10:31

I would love to know why the women who would be ok with this, feel the need to mock the women who wouldn’t? Why the needs to call them jealous or insecure? You seem to want to shame them for their perfectly reasonable boundaries rather than supporting their right to have them.

If I was with a man who would object to another man striping naked and grinding up on me (and I suspect many men would have a problem with it), then I wouldn’t be ok with him having a woman do it either, irrelevant of if he’s paying for it.

I agree. Personally a lap dance would not bother me but I fully respect anyone who would take issue with it. Their boundaries are just as valid as mine. I would have an absolutely HUGE issue with my husband going out and coming home and vomiting everywhere. That would be a million times worse than a lap dance for me personally and that is my boundary. They are all valid and should not be judged or shamed.

Badgirlriri · 15/08/2022 10:36

Also, I wouldn’t be ok with it. I’d feel sad because I’d be jealous. But I wouldn’t end my relationship because of it.

I also have friends who have been strippers. They weren’t exploited, it was entirely their choice and they made a lot of money from it to enable to them to have a better lifestyle now.