Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

I work somewhere that taking distributors to strip clubs was a twice a year 'reward' for as long as most could remember.

4 years ago an anonymous poll was done and the vast majority felt uncomfortable going to them. We now do golf and spa weekends!

Unfortunately for many men, they struggle with the wet blanket issue, especially when it's being given to them as a 'gift' they apparently felt rude for kicking up a fuss and assumed all the other men were into it.

More men don't like them than do (other surgery's have shown this on a wider scale) so its a shame people like @Discovereads considers them wet blankets

I agree society does need to change. I hate both stag and hen dos equally. But others like them and want to keep them otherwise society would have changed already. Fact is, they still exist and there’s peer pressure when you go to one. There’s peer pressure even to accept the invitation to one. I’ve seen bridesmaids tossed out of the wedding party because they didn’t want to go on the hen do or bailed early from a hen do getting them the side eye.

@Discovereads

Of course you can tell what a man's general views are before getting serious

Same with abusive partners

Most display a bouquet of red flags, unfortunately for some women they ignore them with disastrous consequences.

shame people like @Discovereads considers them wet blankets

I don’t consider them wet blankets, I said they’d be considered wet blankets by the others on the hen/stag do.

So what do you suggest then? A return to the days where women had to put up and shut up for the sake of their children?
I agree it's very sad when relationships break down. But surely the way to avoid that is for both parties to behave acceptably in the first place rather than for a man to do whatever he pleases and the woman to tolerate it? Why is the onus on her to compromise her values to avoid upsetting the children and not on him not to be a sleezy fool?
A lap dance may be 'flimsy' to you, but clearly many women feel much more strongly about it. And any man with half a brain would surely know which way his partner felt about it. If he then chooses to put his marriage at risk for ten minutes titillation then tbh he probably is disposable, as he's a pretty poor specimen, and there are better out there.

If I was considered a wet blanket for not going to something like that, maybe they are not the sort of friends I want in my life.

We need to be bringing up our DC (both sons and daughters) to be able to have the confidence to say no in situations like this.

Wow, so it’s a woman’s fault if her partner is abusive because theres always tons of red flags and she’s gone and ignored them? That is very ill informed but explains why you think you can 100% avoid associating with “scumbags”- You have great faith in your there’s always a bouquet of red flags theory.

@Discovereads

Never said it's the woman's fault

But most abusers display many red flags in the early stages, unfortunately for many reasons some women ignore them, don't pick up on them, or simply have such low self esteem they don't care to think too much about it.

Same with mens views on a lot of different subjects

It's very clear what type of man someone is after talking to them for a bit.

I can't understand all the people saying they'd be fine with this. Would you be OK if a random woman in a regular bar grinding all over your husband?

This would be a deal breaker for me and he's well aware of my feelings on strip clubs.

He was on a stag do and pissed, be thankful he wasn’t in Amsterdam or Bangkok is all I’ll say.

I’ve seen hen do’s savaging male strippers, all middle aged women probably most are married or partnered. It’s reallyno different.

Yes, being tolerant of your partner being only human and making occasional mistakes means we definitely want a return to the days of put up and shut up for the sake of children 🙄

The onus is on both partners to not cross boundaries, but again mistakes happen. And when a minor one like this happens, you have to weigh up your hurt versus the hurt divorce/separation would have on any DC you have. In this case, the fleeting feelings of disgust, disappointment, jealousy, dismay, anger are far outweighed by the years of hurt that splitting up a family does to children.

So it’s easy to tell women that it’s a deal breaker and to leave your DH of many years over this. But honestly that’s a knee jerk reaction and in some cases it is best to forgive and move on than it is to burn everything to ash in a rage,

I’ve seen hen do’s savaging male strippers, all middle aged women probably most are married or partnered.

Ooof, that’s grim too. If any of my friends were into that, I certainly wouldn’t be going out with them. Probably wouldn’t even be friends in the first place as I don’t imagine I’d have anything in common with women who behaved like that.

You most definitely implied it.
Of course you can tell what a man's general views are before getting serious. Same with abusive partners. Most display a bouquet of red flags, unfortunately for some women they ignore them with disastrous consequences.

even now you are saying
It's very clear what type of man someone is after talking to them for a bit.

This isn’t a hole you can dig yourself out of. You can’t tell what type of person someone is after a few conversations- man or woman.

I took my marriage vows very seriously, and there's a lot I could probably tolerate, forgive, support or work through

But we all have our own ideas of what is (not) acceptable

I regard all sex workers as vulnerable, and their customers as exploiting that vulnerability

How my DH treats vulnerable women tells me what kind of man he is

And when a minor one like this happens

Yes, being tolerant of your partner being only human and making occasional mistakes

For me this isn't "minor" or a "mistake". It relates fundamentally to the type of man who thinks it's acceptable. It's not acceptable. I think any man who does this is a piece of scum who treats women as disposable objects to buy for his cheap thrills.

No it's not verbal abuse- it's the truth.

Tell creepy pervs that they’re creepy pervs is now verbal abuse??

Jesus but the bar for men is so low it’s in a tavern in fucking Hades

How low does your bar have to be for your fire on this to be 'well at least he didn't fuck random people in a foreign country'

On the cool vs insecure wife subject.. I also think there is a huge difference whether one is totally fine with it, because it's just some body parts, no emotional connection etc. OR whether someone says they are fine with it because it's the "done thing" and just suck it on. One is someone's choice to be more open to various sexual experiences and is totally fine. The other is making excuses for male behaviour because that's how it has been for years and is a "tradition".

I'm not sure why women who say this is a deal-breaker are being criticised for not taking their marriages seriously. Surely it's the men paying for a mostly naked women to grind in their laps who aren't being too conscientious about their marriage vows.

If the stag/hen was any sort of decent person why would they want their friends doing something they weren’t comfortable with?

If someone produced a bag of coke on a hen/stag would you think anyone who didn’t want to do a line was being a wet blanket? And yes I know coke is illegal and strip clubs aren’t but that is not the point here.

On the whole, women at this sort of thing do not pay for a private dance so they can have a good cackle in private.