Page 11 | Husband had a private lapdance

Skye90 · 2022-08-14T21:07:40+00:00

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single. Not sure how I feel about it tbh. AIBU

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:20

onelittlefrog · 15/08/2022 06:09

I'm no prude but this is a really strange thing to say. 'Obliged not to rock the boat'? He still has bodily autonomy and could at any point have decided to go home/ not participate in this part of the evening. He's a grown man, not 'obliged' to do anything at all. If he's still so influenced by peer pressure at his age then he needs to take a look at himself.

OP, I'd be very upset if we hadn't discussed it beforehand.

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What I meant by that is the whole stag or hen do revolves around giving the stag or hen a very memorable fun night, on what could be a once in a lifetime occasion. If the group decides let’s go to a strip club whooo hooo and the stag or hen is thrilled and really excited to go. You’re sort of obliged to not be a wet blanket about it. You can’t dissuade the group from going by saying “ugh no decent man/woman would ever buy someone’s body for sexual gratification.” Or “But, but that’s cheating! You can’t possibly want to risk your marriage days before the altar” or “Right, this is it for me, think it’s horrible exploitation and won’t be part of it, have a nice night and good luck with the marriage gig” and walk off in a huff.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:22

Sally090807 · 15/08/2022 06:47

That’s absolutely not true, the club where I live they are 100% fully naked.

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Full nude ones do exist, but they are not the majority of strip clubs.

Sally090807 · 15/08/2022 08:22

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 07:10

Yes, and thats because they're not only sleazy letches, they're also liars "oh but it was only once...."

yeah right you are then (chinny reckon)

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Chinny reckon…..that made me laugh, haven’t heard that in years.

Terfydactyl · 15/08/2022 08:23

Hbh17 · 15/08/2022 07:29

Well, I'd think he was a bit of an idiot for telling you - why couldn't he just keep this piece of "news" to himself?

For a guess, because he paid for more than one.
He might be able to pass off one paid for dance as a very expensive drink or a meal, more than that and no.
Plus these days everything is uploaded to social media and the chances of OP finding out increase a lot.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:23

@Discovereads

How is having a personal boundary being a wet blanket?

Would you consider a woman leaving a night out she was uncomfortable with a wet blanket?

DH has left 2 separate stag do's early due to them going to strip clubs at the end, he is still friends with the groom and his mates who stayed on. It's called having a different opinion on what you find acceptable, most decent human beings won't consider their mates 'Wet' blankets for doing what's best for them.

Thatswhyimacat · 15/08/2022 08:24

I think you are entitled to feel upset, but whether or not it's a dealbreaker would really depend on if you'd previously discussed this and he knew you wouldn't like it.

waterlego · 15/08/2022 08:24

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:20

What I meant by that is the whole stag or hen do revolves around giving the stag or hen a very memorable fun night, on what could be a once in a lifetime occasion. If the group decides let’s go to a strip club whooo hooo and the stag or hen is thrilled and really excited to go. You’re sort of obliged to not be a wet blanket about it. You can’t dissuade the group from going by saying “ugh no decent man/woman would ever buy someone’s body for sexual gratification.” Or “But, but that’s cheating! You can’t possibly want to risk your marriage days before the altar” or “Right, this is it for me, think it’s horrible exploitation and won’t be part of it, have a nice night and good luck with the marriage gig” and walk off in a huff.

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Noone has to dissuade the group from going or make a speech about morality. One can simply say: ‘that’s not really my thing, I’ll go to the bar across the road and meet you afterwards’ or ‘I’ve had a great night but I’m heading back to the hotel now and I’ll see you for a fry up tomorrow’.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:26

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:23

@Discovereads

How is having a personal boundary being a wet blanket?

Would you consider a woman leaving a night out she was uncomfortable with a wet blanket?

DH has left 2 separate stag do's early due to them going to strip clubs at the end, he is still friends with the groom and his mates who stayed on. It's called having a different opinion on what you find acceptable, most decent human beings won't consider their mates 'Wet' blankets for doing what's best for them.

Yes they’d be a wet blanket. Its not their party, right? It’s not about them, it’s about the stag or hen. So they don’t get to bring others down with their ‘superior’ morality. I think you’re naive if you think most people wouldn’t view them as a wet blanket.

Dinodigger · 15/08/2022 08:27

I would have LTB the minute he walked into a strip club. But, I wouldn't have married a man that does that sort of thing. Get some respect for yourself and find a man that respects you and women.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:28

waterlego · 15/08/2022 08:24

Noone has to dissuade the group from going or make a speech about morality. One can simply say: ‘that’s not really my thing, I’ll go to the bar across the road and meet you afterwards’ or ‘I’ve had a great night but I’m heading back to the hotel now and I’ll see you for a fry up tomorrow’.

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Well that’s what you would try to pretend, but even then it would be blatantly obvious to all that you punched out as soon as “strip club” was mentioned or a surprise stripper appeared at a venue and that you’re being a nun/monk about the whole thing.

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2022 08:29

@Discovereads so instead of going to a strip club they decided to visit prostitutes instead, would they be a wet blanket if they said no? If they started to insult women in a club would you be a wet blanket to intervene?

Terfydactyl · 15/08/2022 08:32

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:20

What I meant by that is the whole stag or hen do revolves around giving the stag or hen a very memorable fun night, on what could be a once in a lifetime occasion. If the group decides let’s go to a strip club whooo hooo and the stag or hen is thrilled and really excited to go. You’re sort of obliged to not be a wet blanket about it. You can’t dissuade the group from going by saying “ugh no decent man/woman would ever buy someone’s body for sexual gratification.” Or “But, but that’s cheating! You can’t possibly want to risk your marriage days before the altar” or “Right, this is it for me, think it’s horrible exploitation and won’t be part of it, have a nice night and good luck with the marriage gig” and walk off in a huff.

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Why is it being a wet blanket to simply say
I've had enough
I'm off home now, I'm tired it's late
I dont do strip clubs
Or similar.
Why does he have to lecture the lot of them?

And thinking more, if the others then called him names for not wanting to go into a strip club it smacks of them not being confident in their choice. Why would they need to tear a man down for not wanting to exploit women, if they are secure enough in themselves to use a strip club.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:34

@Discovereads

It doesn't matter if it's not their party

Are you saying when you attend someone's party you then have to do whatever is planned

No matter how offensive and uncomfortable that makes you?

What an odd opinion.

Thankfully none of DHs friends are so immature to be funny about something like this, everyone has their own line. Respect that. He also wasn't the only stag to leave early on both of those occasions.

Terfydactyl · 15/08/2022 08:34

I think you’re naive if you think most people wouldn’t view them as a wet blanket

If my DP was bothered by what other people thought of him, I would not be with him.
Other peoples thoughts about us are none of our business.

waterlego · 15/08/2022 08:34

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:28

Well that’s what you would try to pretend, but even then it would be blatantly obvious to all that you punched out as soon as “strip club” was mentioned or a surprise stripper appeared at a venue and that you’re being a nun/monk about the whole thing.

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What do you mean ‘pretend’? The examples I used didn’t involve any pretending or lying.

You think people should just go along with what their friends want them to do even if they feel uncomfortable or have a moral objection to the proposed activity or venue? Isn’t this the kind of thing we’re all keen to teach our children about? That you don’t have to just go along with what the group wants to do for fear of being seen as a wet blanket/nun/monk.

I’m really grateful to have real friendships with people who would never make me feel pressured to do something I didn’t want to.

Abraxan · 15/08/2022 08:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It may be common for some stag do events but it definitely isn't a tradition amongst Dh and his friends. Many have never even been to a lap dancing/strip bar at all, let alone have a private lap dance.

Dh has been on one stag do which involves a lap dancing bar. He and three others didn't go in and went for a curry instead.

I know some people will try to claim that Dh and friends are just lying but I know for sure in that occasion is didn't happen. No reason to believe he's lying about other occasions - it's just not his thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:40

waterlego · 15/08/2022 08:34

What do you mean ‘pretend’? The examples I used didn’t involve any pretending or lying.

You think people should just go along with what their friends want them to do even if they feel uncomfortable or have a moral objection to the proposed activity or venue? Isn’t this the kind of thing we’re all keen to teach our children about? That you don’t have to just go along with what the group wants to do for fear of being seen as a wet blanket/nun/monk.

I’m really grateful to have real friendships with people who would never make me feel pressured to do something I didn’t want to.

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I don’t think people have to go along, I am just pointing out the psychological fact of peer pressure. And a drunken stag/hen do has significant amounts of peer pressure going on. Not everyone is sober or strong enough to be able to extricate themselves gracefully or mentally secure enough to risk the group’s approbation.

knittingaddict · 15/08/2022 08:42

It's coming across that you who has a very poor opinion of men Discovereads.

Men are too weak that they can't act on their own moral code and pathetically have to go along with something distasteful so as not to upset other men? If they can't do something as simple as that then they are never going to be allies of the women around them. This is exactly why some women scoff at NAMALT.

My husband has seen the issues women face after our own daughter's traumatic experience. He was saying only yesterday that he thinks he needs to do something about how women are treated in society - campaigning or whatever. I would rather have a man like that than one who sees women as a commodity. Thankfully women these days have a choice about who they spend their lives with.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:43

@Discovereads

So now those people are strong

A second ago they were wet blankets

thunderonlyhappenswhenits · 15/08/2022 08:45

It would really upset me personally. It's the fact my husband has got a hard on over another basically naked woman dancing for him. He's been turned on by another woman, it's abit more than just looking isn't it, it's intimate and would feel personal to him.
Fair enough to the women who would be fine with it everyone is different, but I certainly wouldn't be fine with it, it would break my heart in all honesty !

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 08:45

You can’t dissuade the group from going by saying “ugh no decent man/woman would ever buy someone’s body for sexual gratification.” Or “But, but that’s cheating! You can’t possibly want to risk your marriage days before the altar” or “Right, this is it for me, think it’s horrible exploitation and won’t be part of it, have a nice night and good luck with the marriage gig” and walk off in a huff.

I guess that ideally what you can do is not be friends with sleazy scumbags in the first place.

Abraxan · 15/08/2022 08:46

Yes they’d be a wet blanket. Its not their party, right?

Well Dh and some friends did refuse to go.
Didn't affect the stag's choice. He went in with a couple of other friends.
Dh and the others had said from the start it wasn't their thing.

They are adult enough to have their own boundaries and stick to them. They didn't cause a fuss. They said at the start they wouldn't be going and they'd rather do go for food at that point. And they stuck to that.

And it's not jealousy that's the driving force for me (and Dh) being against it. It's a respect for women and the risk that some of the women involved may well be trafficked or abused.m, with no way to tell either way. The women are often fairly young too and with Dh and friends having young adult/teen daughters and other young women in their lives they are close to it also feels really creepy to them.

I'm glad some of them had morals and could stick to them, and that they're not the type of bloke to be peer pressured into doing something they don't want to.

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2022 08:47

But that’s what we need to change in society @Discovereads especially in relation to stag dos and similar where you would be seen to be doing the wrong thing by not joining in exploiting women. It should not be seen as the norm and you shouldn’t be seen as a wet blanket to not join in.

And the habit of going to strip clubs with clients should have stopped years ago (well should never have started in the first place) It should never be seen as part of normal work practice.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:48

Fairislefandango · 15/08/2022 08:45

You can’t dissuade the group from going by saying “ugh no decent man/woman would ever buy someone’s body for sexual gratification.” Or “But, but that’s cheating! You can’t possibly want to risk your marriage days before the altar” or “Right, this is it for me, think it’s horrible exploitation and won’t be part of it, have a nice night and good luck with the marriage gig” and walk off in a huff.

I guess that ideally what you can do is not be friends with sleazy scumbags in the first place.

Oh yes, we are all very good mind readers aren’t we? We always know if a mate is going to have a stripper at a future hen or stag do or if a mates mate is going to get a surprise one that pops up. So silly of me to forget that we know who’s a scumbag. Amazing all those women in abusive relationships though? Why aren’t they mind reading to avoid the wife beaters?

Tanktop · 15/08/2022 08:50

@Pumperthepumper It was a few years ago so I don't recall but they are well looked after by the boss. I think it was possible a stag do hence the reason no ladies were there.