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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband had a private lapdance

727 replies

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:07

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
5128gap · 15/08/2022 06:56

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 14/08/2022 22:37

I am slightly perplexed at the volume of dealbreaker comments. It makes me feel sad there’s lots of relationships out there ready to be chucked out at a hypothetical scenario. Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship? (Discounting DA scenarios, etc).

I'd have thought so! After all we've moved on from the days where women had no choice but to allow their partners to do exactly what they please and I imagine most men, unless very stupid or arrogant, know that.
Most women today know that they are entitled to set boundaries (caveats, if you will!) and to leave relationships with men who don't respect them. The only sad thing for me is that there still seem to be some who are so desperate to hang on to a man that they will compromise their feelings and values, excusing behaviour and minimising its impact on other women to facilitate men's whims.

Sally090807 · 15/08/2022 06:58

I would also suggest just checking your bank statements, I’ve heard a few stories about drunk men having private lap dancers and then finding numerous payments taken from their bank cards.

AMIAMIBU · 15/08/2022 07:06

IDreamOfTheMoors · 15/08/2022 04:29

Thinking about my husband getting a lap dance makes me laugh. He’d turn 50 shades of red & be uncomfortable the entire time.

I’m sure the dancer was professional — she probably has done this hundreds of times.
Then left.
Go easy on your DH - he was at a stag do & it was extraordinary circumstances.
Unless you don’t trust him.

What an odd post! Go easy on him? Are you saying that your DH would be embarrassed and not want it but feel forced into it? Does he not have a back bone or the ability to say "no thanks?"

How weak and odd.

missingeu · 15/08/2022 07:07

I would loose resepct for my DH if he did this. Each to their own but I find it tacky both men and women. I'd definately need time to think, it would cross a line and I'm not sure if I could get over that.

A private lap dance, would cost a fortune and its telling that he regretted it at the end.. not enough to leave the situation.

AMIAMIBU · 15/08/2022 07:09

@Skye90 it's interesting that you're upset that he was the only married guy that did it? So it's not that you're concerned about the exploitation of these women, it's more that you feel as a married man he shouldn't do it.

I think you're right to object, but for me my objection wouldn't be that it's ok for single men, but not married men.

I think it's all wrong.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 07:10

Sally090807 · 15/08/2022 06:58

I would also suggest just checking your bank statements, I’ve heard a few stories about drunk men having private lap dancers and then finding numerous payments taken from their bank cards.

Yes, and thats because they're not only sleazy letches, they're also liars "oh but it was only once...."

yeah right you are then (chinny reckon)Hmm

jeaux90 · 15/08/2022 07:19

Deal breaker.

These women are often exploited and coerced. A man paying for access to a woman's body is a disgrace. We are not commodities.

Also statistically, sexual assaults go up within a 1km radius of these places.

I'd be over him very quickly if it was my partner.

saleorbouy · 15/08/2022 07:21

There always seem to be plenty of married middle age women queuing to see the male strip show when it came to town.
The Chipendales even performed at the council run theatre in my youth.
Would that be acceptable for wives to attend?
He is has been truthful and remorseful so I think that counts for something.

Ineedapuppy · 15/08/2022 07:21

Appreciate I’m in the minority, but I really wouldn’t be too fussed about private dance.

Your DH wouldn’t have been able to touch, dancers really just titivate for tips so think bump and grind.

Its a waste of money if anything, but if he was with a group of blokes and they were all doing it, I’d rationalise the spend a bit more.

I doubt the husbands of women going to Magic Mike type nights do this type of hand wringing.

5128gap · 15/08/2022 07:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No, you're wrong. There are many reasons other than jealousy. These include:
Finding the thought of your partner making an absolute idiot of himself, leering slack jawed and drunk at a woman who at best thinks he's a joke, and at worst despises and is repulsed by him, deeply embarrassing and unattractive.
Knowing I could do a lot better than some half wit, who in this day and age either lacks the intelligence to understand that this activity is exploitative, or doesn't care.
Considering a grown man who is (apparantly) so weak that he can't think for himself and so goes along with whatever his friendship group dictates, a liability as a future partner.
Knowing that there are plenty of men out there who aren't sleezy old fools, and that I'd have no trouble replacing one that was.

Mrsmch123 · 15/08/2022 07:21

Mehhh I would be really unbothered🤷🏻‍♀️

Hbh17 · 15/08/2022 07:29

Well, I'd think he was a bit of an idiot for telling you - why couldn't he just keep this piece of "news" to himself?

waterlego · 15/08/2022 07:30

StoneofDestiny · 14/08/2022 23:12

How can anybody suggest it being jealous if you expect higher standards from your husband than him getting blind drunk and buying sexual titillation from some sex worker they couldn't really care less about?

Its primitive and tragic all round.

Absolutely this.

ToodlePipYouLongHairedGit · 15/08/2022 07:31

Pumperthepumper · 14/08/2022 23:08

What did the female employees get?

Show quote history

A night at Big Willy's Bar with paid for hot guys swinging their lead in private booths.

Or nowt.

Hmmm...wonder which one?

Jellywobblescobbles · 15/08/2022 07:32

depends on how your relationship is I think.
I fully trust my husband and would just think right, glad that daft stag do is over and move on. I

Seafretfreda · 15/08/2022 07:46

Do you have DC? Would you want a daughter with this man who thinks it’s ok to objectify women like this? 🤮

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:01

StreetwiseHercules · 15/08/2022 00:59

Husbands, partners, boyfriends, specifically and especially men, are viewed as lesser humans by many on this site. Disposable, to be thrown away in disgust the moment they do not meet the standards imposed upon them, often in retrospect, by the saintly posters who have never made a mistake or done anything questionable in their lives.

I think it is awful how much the site encourages, promotes and provokes the break up of families, often on the flimsiest of rationales. Every day, people here are advocating the end of living relationships without a thought for the heartbreak involved not just of those involved but of their children.

They present themselves are moral, whereas those who propose calmness and reason are portrayed as simpering, “cool wives” etc.

There are hundreds of posters here who feed on drama and feast on rage. I honestly wonder what makes them like this.

👏👏👏 Totally agree.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:05

GriseldaPlum · 15/08/2022 00:37

Male strip clubs are all a bit of a laugh for those women though aren’t they? I doubt they are actually turned on by it. I wouldn’t be

I went to a one of these on a hen night as mother of friend of the bride.
It was a well known act.
It was not a sexual experience. It was a bawdy laugh. Not one woman in the audience was in it for anything else but a wicked cackle at the tackle.
It was comedy central. When the dicks got whipped out, they all fell about laughing. Why would the strippers care though? They get their money and the audience get to fall about laughing. More than Ricky Gervais could ever hope for.

Of course they care. Wouldn’t you care if you were a paid performer of any sort and during your performance you were mocked and laughed at? Humiliated about your body, as you know the “cackle at the tackle” would include a few choice cutting comments about it.

I just don’t understand how mocking a sex worker and humiliating them about their bodies is morally superior to appreciating the show because any hint of actually being aroused by a naked body is wrong? Is that what men should do to strippers then? Fall about howling with laughter as soon as the tits come out? I fail to see how that treats anyone better.

Discovereads · 15/08/2022 08:08

WinterDeWinter · 15/08/2022 01:18

About 40 posts in and no one has mentioned that being the kind of man thats ok with buying the body of a woman with few choices for kicks would make him an exploitative cunt.

This is hyperbole. You’re only ‘buying a body’ if you’re having sex with them as in full on prostitution. When it comes to erotic dancing you are buying a dance performance. That’s it.

Sunflowerkeep · 15/08/2022 08:11

No, it's Standard, he didn't cheat it was just a dance and would never mean anything really. Definitely not worth getting angry about if all 3lse is good

Isitsixoclockalready · 15/08/2022 08:14

Thing is that you are asking people essentially how they would feel. It's how you feel that's important.

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2022 08:18

@Discovereads so would you feel different if OP found out the next door neighbour had done the same dance for OP’s DH? Does giving money make it fine?

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:19

Sunflowerkeep · 15/08/2022 08:11

No, it's Standard, he didn't cheat it was just a dance and would never mean anything really. Definitely not worth getting angry about if all 3lse is good

How is it standard

Only one in 5 British men think going to a strip club is a must on a stag do

And it's getting less and less popular each year.

An esquire survey actually found 2/3rds of men don't even like them, and only 7% said they liked them immensely.

secretllama · 15/08/2022 08:19

You can guarantee that out of the posters stating "deal breaker" "this would be the end for me" etc. that some of their partners have been to strippers on stags and just not told them, I'd bet my life savings on it.

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2022 08:20

In my opinion, it's one thing to go to a strip club (pretty grim but hey ho) but it would be another level to have a private dance.

Did you know he was going to a club like that and did you not have a conversation regarding it before he went?

I also agree that he's told you before you find out from someone else and of course he'll say he was so drunk and barely remembers it!

I don't know if I'd end my marriage or not but I'd certainly be looking at him in a new light from now on.