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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed the in-laws are unable to attend our sons first birthday?

132 replies

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:03

Hi

I feel a little annoyed but I am unsure if I’m being unreasonable. Our sons birthday is early November, I was trying to plan a party with my family and my husbands (we both have big family’s)

We asked my DH family if they would be able to attend, they all said they couldn’t make it for different reasons. They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services, and most of them
would be able to car share.

They have never once came to visit us, we have always drove to them. I just feel they could make the effort to travel this one time, my DH is upset with them but I’m trying not to make him feel bad so I’m playing it down, however I feel it’s so selfish and I just don’t want to make to effort to see them.

Should I just let it go?

thanks

OP posts:
AllFreeOwls · 13/08/2022 23:04

It probably depends on what reasons they've given for not being able to attend

chatterbug22 · 13/08/2022 23:05

I understand why you’d be upset, have they given a reason? A first birthday is special.

Beggingforsleep · 13/08/2022 23:05

It’s a shame but, beyond stressing that you’d really like them to be there, there’s nothing you can do about it so let it go.

MammaWeasel · 13/08/2022 23:07

They don't want to come. It hurts, but baby won't care so why should you ? Let it go. Have a lovely party.

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 13/08/2022 23:09

chatterbug22 · 13/08/2022 23:05

I understand why you’d be upset, have they given a reason? A first birthday is special.

For whom? The baby won’t give a damn.

SalmonEile · 13/08/2022 23:09

The party is not til November and they’re saying they can’t make it?

honestly I’ve been here and my advice is not to bother with them beyond pleasantries when you have to
dont put yourself out driving 1.5 hours to see them, they’re blatantly telling you what they think of your family
they don’t make they effort then you shouldn’t either
focus on the people who actually do want to be a part of the DCs lives

Gagagardener · 13/08/2022 23:13

I voted YANBU because I understand that for you and your husband it's a big thing. However, for your baby, it's just another day - and one that he'd probably enjoy more without all the fuss. You are likely to see them around Christmas, so talk to your husband, and agree a line to take then.

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:17

I understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day. It’s not just a birthday, we are celebrating our beautiful boy, he’s our miracle baby. They don’t work, they have no commitments, it’s just don’t to the fact they don’t want to travel, or they say they don’t have money to but spend money on rubbish all the time. Why wouldn’t you want to be there on your grandsons birthday? I would travel or miss anything to be there for future grandchildren

OP posts:
Commonhealthgames · 13/08/2022 23:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RewildingAmbridge · 13/08/2022 23:21

If they don't work do they have the money to travel?

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:21

I’m not looking for any drama or fall outs with them, I just don’t feel like making the effort to visit them. It feels all one way

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:23

@RewildingAmbridge well they have money to drink and smoke and holidays

OP posts:
ddl1 · 13/08/2022 23:23

To be honest, I think you are a bit U to plan a big family party for a one-year-old at all. The baby would at best not care, and at worst might find it stressful.

I don't particularly blame your ILs for not prioritizing that sort of occasion. The fact that they never travel to see you and the baby at all does seem regrettable; though I don't know whether there are particular reasons why it's difficult for them (health/ finances/ their own family commitments).

impossible · 13/08/2022 23:36

Because I don't think a baby's first birthday is a big deaI I wouldn't mind at all if in-laws missed it. Small babies aren't much fun anyway. They invariably cry and won't want to be held except by close family, usually parents

Play it down. My DCs - now young adults - have never asked where relatives were in films of their parties. You may also find that as DC gets older you won't want to have big event with family, and DC will want to spend it with friends.

Separately, perhaps discuss with in laws how much they would like to see you, DH and DC and what you can do to accommodate.

Meraas · 13/08/2022 23:44

Yes, I think I would reduce the visits. If they’re not bothered visiting you then why should you? Leave DH to it.

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 13/08/2022 23:44

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:17

I understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day. It’s not just a birthday, we are celebrating our beautiful boy, he’s our miracle baby. They don’t work, they have no commitments, it’s just don’t to the fact they don’t want to travel, or they say they don’t have money to but spend money on rubbish all the time. Why wouldn’t you want to be there on your grandsons birthday? I would travel or miss anything to be there for future grandchildren

Great, that’s you, but please, try to understand that he’s not their baby, and that it just doesn’t mean the same to them.

They probably love you, and live and adore him, but don’t think coming over for a slice of cake is a major life event.

If it really means so much to you though, tell them.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 13/08/2022 23:44

The baby won't care.

You clearly don't like these people anyway, so just be glad you can have a nice day without trying to make small talk with people you dislike.

What they choose to spend their money on is none of your business, by the way.

ihatethebus · 13/08/2022 23:54

3 hrs of travelling on one day is a lot for the sake of a birthday party. Especially if they won’t really get a chance to have one on one time with the baby.

Thesearmsofmine · 13/08/2022 23:54

I think YABU, a first birthday to me isn’t a big deal to anyone apart from its parents. Baby doesn’t have a clue and they rarely really enjoy a party, it’s overwhelming for them and as they get older I don’t think they will ever care who was or wasn’t there on their birthday, my dc certainly haven’t been bothered.
You clearly look down on your in laws and their lifestyle. If you are unhappy with how things are then visit them less or let DH go with baby.

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 13/08/2022 23:55

It sounds like they aren't going to have a close relationship anyway so he won't worry if they are at a birthday party when he was one in the future.

Other people don't have to be as involved with your child as you are. And it's great that you have a big family. His parents are just not that bothered and I'm surprised you are surprised they aren't coming if they have never been to your house before.

Spongeboob · 14/08/2022 00:03

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This. I remember being made to go upstairs in my own house when in laws came on DD's first birthday. The child wont remember, you will. My first birthday was filmed by my parents, second, third, Christmases etc until the novelty wore off. I'm not remotely fussed about viewing any of it, never have been. I have a child of my own and so far (10 years in), she's not arsed about all the videos I recorded of her either. I'll obviously keep them but I don't expect her to bothered about viewing early things she can't remember. The record is for the parents, not the child.

Amybelle88 · 14/08/2022 00:06

Fuck 'em, not having to deal with the in laws is a blessing in disguise.

Selfish arseholes.

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 14/08/2022 00:06

We’ve been to two first birthdays, and they were unequivocally shit, for all involved, including the baby who, in each case had a screaming fit because of all the strange faces and change of routine, and who had to be whisked off and comforted while everyone sat around trying to make small talk.

Which means that I accept that I might be a bit biased.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:21

I don’t get the big deal at all about 1st birthday parties and wouldn’t travel more than about 15 minutes for one TBH

EmmiJay · 14/08/2022 00:24

You do what you want to do and have your lovely party for your child. Who cares if the baby won't remember (as some delights above have commented 🙃) You can build your own memories of celebrating your child however you wish and if the other family members don't want to be a part of it, so be it. Hope it all goes well!