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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed the in-laws are unable to attend our sons first birthday?

132 replies

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:03

Hi

I feel a little annoyed but I am unsure if I’m being unreasonable. Our sons birthday is early November, I was trying to plan a party with my family and my husbands (we both have big family’s)

We asked my DH family if they would be able to attend, they all said they couldn’t make it for different reasons. They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services, and most of them
would be able to car share.

They have never once came to visit us, we have always drove to them. I just feel they could make the effort to travel this one time, my DH is upset with them but I’m trying not to make him feel bad so I’m playing it down, however I feel it’s so selfish and I just don’t want to make to effort to see them.

Should I just let it go?

thanks

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 14/08/2022 11:48

Sophie9090 · 14/08/2022 09:24

@BungleandGeorge I understand what you’re saying but just to make it clear we are inviting brothers, sisters and grandparents. We’re not inviting cousins etc, just close family.

We attended a special birthday their end last week, we collected a relative on the way, it was a long journey. I had work the next day we got back so late. But that’s what family’s do, make an effort.

My Family live much further than 1.5 hours, they will all be attending, some of them will be using the train.

I know it sounds a lot of effort, but we would and do make this same effort regularly. So for once I wanted us to not have to stress about travelling around his birthday and enjoy it at home with his nearest and dearest. Of course we will still have a wonderful day without them, but I feel sad for my husband, he bends over backwards for them.

It sounds a like a lot of people on mumsnet aren’t particularly close to their family’s, probably the wrong place to ask 😬

I can’t be bothered to answer back to people who clearly have completely different family values to me. (This is not a dig at you @BungleandGeorge I mean to the people who think it’s ridiculous to visit their nephew/grandchild on their birthday)

I would start making the exact same amount of effort for them as they do for you.

Also there are a lot of people on MN who are odd about birthdays.

I don't have kids, but enjoy celebrating happy occasions with my friends and family.

HeckyPeck · 14/08/2022 11:50

Fluffyboo · 14/08/2022 09:35

It's special for the parents. Truthfully it's not particularly special for anyone else

Show quote history

Disagree. I've loved celebrating my friends' & family's children's first first birthdays.

Completely standard and normal in my circles.

Why not celebrate their happy occasions with them?

Pinkdelight3 · 14/08/2022 12:18

Having a small celebration for your DS birthday isn't crazy. Filming it all and expecting him to watch it in future and be upset that DH family wasn't there - that is departing from the realms of reality somewhat. Your DS won't give a monkeys and nor should he.

Holly60 · 14/08/2022 18:25

@SortOfAdmireQuagmire it's special for the parents! A year ago on that day they had a baby and became a mum and dad.

I didn't miss the first birthdays of any of my grandchildren because

  1. As OP has said - it was important for them to know later on that I was there. We've looked at many photos of their babyhood together and I've been able to say ' oh look it's you and me on your 1st/2nd birthday/Christmas etc.
  2. I was there for my OWN DC! Celebrating a year of them being amazing parents and giving them a hug to show how proud I am.

My children still want me to be there when they do great things, just as I was when they were little. They want me to be there in these moments, and so I am.

Ahh now i feel a bit teary. For goodness sake. 😂

Holly60 · 14/08/2022 18:29

OP I totally get why you and your DH are upset. It's really shoddy of them.

I'm sorry - but plan a lovely party and enjoy it. You deserve it with your beautiful miracle baby boy.

ChobKnees · 14/08/2022 18:37

Oh the fucking high and righteous are out in force on this thread. They don't do weddings, they don't first birthdays, not sure what the hell the miserable MNers celebrate in life!

  1. She's not throwing a "massive" party. She is having a get together with immediate family.
  1. Yes the baby won't remember it, but the parents will. And it's the first milestone in a baby's life that can be celebrated if they aren't christened.

OP I can completely understand why you're aggrieved. It seems like your in-laws are setting the behaviour that is to be expected over the next few years. I would try to take it on the chin and just focus on the bond your child will have with your family instead.

ChobKnees · 14/08/2022 18:41

Honestly baffled by posters on here saying "nobody cares about your child as much as you. These are the child's grandparents. Grandparents should normally care!!!

Sweetener12 · 15/08/2022 09:34

Well, you definitely should let it go as there is nothing you can do about it. Looks to me, they just don't want to come, otherwise why say you can't make it in November while it's still August? Confused Hope they will be polite enough to acknowledge the birthday at least in a form of a phone call/smartshow 3d video card, but if not, it's their choice. Have a lovely party with those who actually want to be there for you and the baby, don't stress about those who dont.

Calphurnia88 · 17/08/2022 12:45

EdgeOfACoin · 14/08/2022 07:39

Mumsnet is so weird.

Yes, generally people get together for children's first birthday parties. They are special. Furthermore, first birthday parties are much better for adults than other birthday parties, since they tend to be geared towards grown ups rather than endless rounds of Musical Chairs and Pass the Parcel.

As a general rule, family members like seeing their grandchildren and nieces and nephews. Furthermore, when one party frequently makes an effort to travel to see other members of the family, it is generally considered polite and kind to reciprocate once in a while.

And finally, this is clearly something that matters to the OP. She's provided three months' notice and is evidently looking forward to it. Her family are being extraordinarily selfish and I can understand why she is upset.

Couldn't have put it better.

And for the approx 42 people who've used the MN classic 'it's a party not a summons'... Yes, but it's a party to celebrate the first birthday of their GRANDCHILD, not a token invite to Brenda from work's 50th birthday bash.

HoppingPavlova · 16/11/2022 01:45

I understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day.

What age do you think your son will want/be forced to sit through these showings? Mine are are young adults and would not have been interested in sitting through shows of their birthdays at any point including the present. Really, the only people this is a big thing for is you and DH, the toddler doesn’t know/care and will likely never want to watch it and being honest first birthdays are not fun for most people so excuses tend to be made accordingly.

Liorae · 16/11/2022 01:47

chatterbug22 · 13/08/2022 23:05

I understand why you’d be upset, have they given a reason? A first birthday is special.

It really isn't for anyone except the baby's parents.

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 01:56

You can’t make people care unfortunately. When they are older and have COPD and/or diabetes, etc… I imagine they will want you & grandkids to drive to visit them in hospital/care homes. You can show them the videos of all the things they missed. Meanwhile, don’t bother driving or sharing.

Dunnoburt · 16/11/2022 01:57

I can't even really remember what we did for my little ones first birthday 🙉.... but I know grandparent's weren't there ....wouldn't be a biggie for me I'm afraid...... definitely more important as they get older and learn disappointment!!

Cw112 · 16/11/2022 02:08

Could you do two smaller celebrations? I wouldn't plan a big party with lots of people for a 1 year old either. Just a little party in the house is perfectly fine and I'd suggest that if dhs family can't make it up to you do they want to do something near them the weekend after or whatever? Or just leave them to it. I don't think ds will mind as much as you mind even when he's older because they're unlikely to change so he'll grow up just accepting that he's not maybe as close to them. It's harder on you and especially your dh.

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2022 02:10

It does sound as though a lot of travelling by train etc would be involved which is probably why they are not coming. It's a pity they don't drive.

I don't think a big fuss on first birthday is necessary, frankly; I had a party when mine was two and it was great fun but it was just us and a birthday cake at one year old, quite enough; we took photos. At that stage the party is more for the adults. However that's up to you.

Enjoy yourself anyway and congratulations on your miracle baby.

Jacopo · 16/11/2022 02:33

The birthday was in August. In baby time this is effectively a zombie thread.

Koppita · 16/11/2022 02:56

When DD1 turned 1, we tied balloons to her few presents, and met my mum for lunch at a farm cafe. It didn't cross my mind to have a party as such. Our family are very scattered, but it wouldn't cross my mind to think that people didn't care enough just because they don't want to attend a baby's birthday party!

I'm amazed at people taking 1.5 hour train journeys for this. There's no way I would have expected people to do that! It cuts both ways.

Love is love. It shows itself in so many tiny, vital, constant ways. It shouldn't be measured in parties, Instagram likes, or anything like that. If you don't believe that people truly care about your baby because they didn't want to go to a 1st birthday party, then you never believed they cared at all.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/11/2022 04:03

Jacopo · 16/11/2022 02:33

The birthday was in August. In baby time this is effectively a zombie thread.

Well the birthday was in November so not that old.
Hope all went well.

allboysherebutme · 16/11/2022 04:06

Don't ask them to anything again. X

Joystir59 · 16/11/2022 04:31

I wouldn't want to travel anywhere to attend a first birthday party either. I don't understand why you are even having one- your child won't care about it or remember it. You are making a huge fuss about nothing. Just quietly enjoy the day with your child.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 16/11/2022 06:18

Joystir59 · 16/11/2022 04:31

I wouldn't want to travel anywhere to attend a first birthday party either. I don't understand why you are even having one- your child won't care about it or remember it. You are making a huge fuss about nothing. Just quietly enjoy the day with your child.

I agree. I wouldn’t go on the ground that the op is filming it all. Forced Jolliness all round is not my cup of tea.

Procrastination4 · 16/11/2022 06:43

OP, I don’t think that you are being unreasonable to be disappointed that your in-laws won’t make an effort to attend. I’m a bit surprised at the number of posters writing about how unimportant a first birthday, but can only assume that none of them are grandparents yet.

Our first grandson turns one next June. We have a wedding abroad that month and are going to add on an extra week or two to our stay as a holiday (ten hour flight away so want to make the most of it!) and our main concern was planning our trip so that we wouldn’t miss our grandson’s first birthday. He won’t know what’s going on but it’s a special day for my son and daughter-in-law, and we want to be there for them and mark the occasion.

Enjoy the day with you OH and family, and maybe let your in-laws make the effort to come to see you and your baby over the Christmas period rather than you having to travel to them.

BeanieTeen · 16/11/2022 06:53

I don’t get the big deal at all about 1st birthday parties and wouldn’t travel more than about 15 minutes for one TBH

In my experience first birthdays aren’t special, just first birthdays for first borns. And I do understand the excitement around it for the parents. But no I know one has bothered doing parties for their second or third child.
I don’t blame people for not wanting to travel far for this kind of thing, especially if they don’t have a car.

Jjones8 · 16/11/2022 07:23

I can understand you’re upset but I think you are overreacting a little. Perhaps you can celebrate your child’s birthday with them in another way? In my experience, first birthday parties are very dull for those attending. My children certainly don’t remember their first birthdays.

Topsyturvy78 · 16/11/2022 07:25

They're loss those that want to be there will be.