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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed the in-laws are unable to attend our sons first birthday?

132 replies

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:03

Hi

I feel a little annoyed but I am unsure if I’m being unreasonable. Our sons birthday is early November, I was trying to plan a party with my family and my husbands (we both have big family’s)

We asked my DH family if they would be able to attend, they all said they couldn’t make it for different reasons. They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services, and most of them
would be able to car share.

They have never once came to visit us, we have always drove to them. I just feel they could make the effort to travel this one time, my DH is upset with them but I’m trying not to make him feel bad so I’m playing it down, however I feel it’s so selfish and I just don’t want to make to effort to see them.

Should I just let it go?

thanks

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 14/08/2022 08:56

Your first post was about his large family but since then has pretty much been about the grandparents. Expecting the grandparents to make the effort isn’t unreasonable but I think it is unreasonable for wider family given the travel distance and expense. First birthday parties are usually tedious, even more so for family members who are young and childless. They’re a bit of a non event for the wider family. If he has a lot of family in one place it would probably be more sensible to have a second party in that area (in laws house?). If he has a lot of family who don’t drive all in the same area it probably is more sensible for you 3!to go there and visit them rather than them having to individually visit you. If your family are geographically close comparing how often they visit isn’t really a fair comparison. As close relatives I’d expect the grandparents to be making the effort and prioritising visiting you, but bot the wider family

changzi · 14/08/2022 09:00

It's not just a baby's birthday. It's their grandchild's/nephew's birthday!

Surely it's not hard to imagine how some might like to think this is something you'd make an effort to attend?

Bunnycat101 · 14/08/2022 09:06

I think it’s pretty rubbish. I’m travelling 2 hours for a toddler birthday this weekend because that’s what families do. My parents have hit a point where they won’t travel to us anymore and I’ve made peace with it. It’s their loss because it means they will see the grandchildren less than if they were willing to travel but I also have to respect that they don’t feel able to travel in the same way anymore.

lots of people do a family party for a first birthday - it’s pretty normal so don’t know why you’ve had snarky replies about the party.

ThePenOfMyAunt · 14/08/2022 09:09

YANBU.
It's hardly a huge ask and it's very disappointing. It must be hurtful for your husband, I'd take my cues from him as to how to deal with them in the future. If you're usually the one suggesting visits etc I'd just stop and see how the chips fall.

Poppyblush · 14/08/2022 09:13

The problem is that they aren’t fussed so you need to decide on whether you make the effort to travel to them. Sadly many grandparents are just shit. Many aren’t but your in laws are not going to be bothered do face it now. Your kid won’t care - you and your dh being there is the important part.

Runwalkskijump · 14/08/2022 09:15

WhereAreMyAirpods · 14/08/2022 08:31

It’s not just a birthday, we are celebrating our beautiful boy, he’s our miracle baby.

But to them it is just a birthday.

This. Plus a long train journey on top.

butterflied · 14/08/2022 09:23

Chikapu · 14/08/2022 07:43

I can understand them not wanting to travel over three hours in one day to have to watch you filming every single thing your baby does, that's just very dull for other people.
Enjoy the day without a camera in your hand.

All of this.

How likely is he really to ask when he is older to see footage from his first birthday? This is all for you so enjoy the day but understand that it won't be important to many other people.

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 14/08/2022 09:24

@BungleandGeorge I understand what you’re saying but just to make it clear we are inviting brothers, sisters and grandparents. We’re not inviting cousins etc, just close family.

We attended a special birthday their end last week, we collected a relative on the way, it was a long journey. I had work the next day we got back so late. But that’s what family’s do, make an effort.

My Family live much further than 1.5 hours, they will all be attending, some of them will be using the train.

I know it sounds a lot of effort, but we would and do make this same effort regularly. So for once I wanted us to not have to stress about travelling around his birthday and enjoy it at home with his nearest and dearest. Of course we will still have a wonderful day without them, but I feel sad for my husband, he bends over backwards for them.

It sounds a like a lot of people on mumsnet aren’t particularly close to their family’s, probably the wrong place to ask 😬

I can’t be bothered to answer back to people who clearly have completely different family values to me. (This is not a dig at you @BungleandGeorge I mean to the people who think it’s ridiculous to visit their nephew/grandchild on their birthday)

OP posts:
GoAround · 14/08/2022 09:26

Have a lovely day the 3 of you instead. Enjoy the moment and stop focusing on what it will look like when you rewatch the video.

We had DD’s first birthday just us because we lived a long haul flight away from all of our family. We went out for an early dinner to our favourite local restaurant, she had ice cream for the first time, it was wonderful! I probably have a photo somewhere but she’s never once asked about it. When DS turned one we had cake at home as chosen by his big sister and went on holiday the next day. Of course it’s a big milestone but in the greater scheme of things it honestly does not matter that much.

More generally though, by making more effort than they’re willing to reciprocate, you are just setting yourself up for perpetual disappointment. I’d take this as a sign to scale back massively.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 09:27

It sounds a like a lot of people on mumsnet aren’t particularly close to their family’s, probably the wrong place to ask

I'm close to my family. I don't expect them to do a 3 hour round trip, minimum, to celebrate my 1 year olds birthday in two weeks time.

Fluffyboo · 14/08/2022 09:35

chatterbug22 · 13/08/2022 23:05

I understand why you’d be upset, have they given a reason? A first birthday is special.

It's special for the parents. Truthfully it's not particularly special for anyone else

Poppyblush · 14/08/2022 09:36

But his birthday will be with his nearest and dearest…. If people can’t be bothered to travel, they aren’t near or dear. Stop getting wound up over it, accept it and move On so it doesn't ruin the birthday.

ThePenOfMyAunt · 14/08/2022 09:40

But that’s what family’s do, make an effort.

That's not what your DH's family does, and I'd not be inconveniencing myself for them anymore.

Kitkatcatflap · 14/08/2022 09:55

Agree with the others, 1.5 hours away is easily two possibly more with door to door either side, also factor in weekend engineering works. That is over four hours for a first birthday party where they won't get one on one town with your husband or you and the baby will tired and cranky - they always are at first birthday parties.

Teder · 14/08/2022 09:59

You’ve made the error of mentioning a birthday on MN. 😉 So many people are anti birthday. It’s not just a random child’s birthday! Of course your son won’t know or care but their son/brother clearly wants to have a celebration. It’s sad that his parents and siblings don’t make the effort. I would reduce the effort you make. They’re telling you they’re not that interested in your child. I’m sorry and YANBU at all.

Rowen32 · 14/08/2022 10:22

I don't agree with having first birthday parties or any really until the child actually wants one themselves.
We have a little party, just us but I don't put that on anyone else as I think it's too much at that age.
Those were my first thoughts until I read more of your message and saw that they've never come to visit you, that's appalling.
To be honest, I'd be completely stepping back and if they don't want to see him fair enough, it's really unfair to be doing all the travelling.
I think it's something you might need to make your peace with now as they obviously don't care and you need to find a way to come to terms with that, if not Christmas, the next birthday are all going to be painful and there won't be an end to it..

Rowen32 · 14/08/2022 10:25

And to add we're both super close to our families and for the children's birthdays the grandparents, aunts and uncles did all come to visit/bring presents but just all on different days in their own time when it suited, we didn't put any pressure on with a party or having to come on his actual birthday.
Your husband totally needs to step back too, it's awful they never come to see him and I think I'd be gradually starting to help him to realise..

Shinyandnew1 · 14/08/2022 10:25

What reasons did they give?

Yousee · 14/08/2022 10:50

My DS had a Covid first birthday, lockdown was lifted but still loads of restrictions. So he had I think 3 separate first birthday "parties" which were really just playdates with various combinations of grandparent and uncles, with added cake and balloons.
At the time I thought it was a shame everyone could not get together but actually I think it was better - DS didn't get overwhelmed with people and presents, family members got to spend some actual time with him.
So I wouldn't think too much about one particular place and time being the be all and end all of celebrating.

strawberrymelon88 · 14/08/2022 11:15

what are you complaining about ? You have in laws who will stay out of your way.

Celebrate with those who care.

AllyCatTown · 14/08/2022 11:23

Surely first birthdays are great. All the food is catered to adults instead of children and it’s just a chance for family to get together. I don’t get the hate.

Like others say you just need to accept this is how they are. You cannot control them but you can control how you act. You don’t need to make the effort with people who don’t care. Concentrate on those who do.

I also find it sad that many on here equate grandchildren with random children of strangers. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect grandparents to care.

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 11:28

My family has similar family values to you and DH and I both come from big families. DH's family are similar to your ILs. He had to collect his DM and DSIS if we wanted them to attend our DCs' party or arrange for someone to give them a lift. His other siblings never came except one who absolutely doted on our DC. My siblings lived further away and always came.

You need to decide what's important to you. If you desperately want them there, then bend over backwards to facilitate it eg buy their train tickets, collect them from the station. Otherwise, just let it go. Their relationship with your DC will probably wax and wane over time.

5foot5 · 14/08/2022 11:33

Mumsnet is so weird.

Yes, generally people get together for children's first birthday parties. They are special.

Er, no! Not IME. Nobody in my family circle or any of the people I knew when DD was young ever had a 1st birthday party. Clearly, from this thread, it is special to some people but equally many people think it really isn't that big a deal. Certainly not to anyone other than parents themselves.

IIRC all we did for DDs first birthday was buy a Colin the Caterpillar cake and stick a candle in it. She was a bit under the weather so she threw up afterwards. I think that would have been an underwhelming get together if we had invited family to drive many miles to share it.

I think expecting them to make a 3 to 4 hour round trip for this is expecting a lot. If it was for a Christening then I could maybe understand more effort to be made. Our families all live a significant distance away but they did come over for that.

2pinkginsplease · 14/08/2022 11:35

We are both close to our families (ibe just returned from 4 days away with my mum, just her and i) but also understand that they have busy lives, their own friends and social activities they go to as well as their own work and family.

My children may be the centre of my world but not necessarily anyone else's.

ChsmpagneWannaBe · 14/08/2022 11:37

Great. Enjoy the day without them.