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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed the in-laws are unable to attend our sons first birthday?

132 replies

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:03

Hi

I feel a little annoyed but I am unsure if I’m being unreasonable. Our sons birthday is early November, I was trying to plan a party with my family and my husbands (we both have big family’s)

We asked my DH family if they would be able to attend, they all said they couldn’t make it for different reasons. They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services, and most of them
would be able to car share.

They have never once came to visit us, we have always drove to them. I just feel they could make the effort to travel this one time, my DH is upset with them but I’m trying not to make him feel bad so I’m playing it down, however I feel it’s so selfish and I just don’t want to make to effort to see them.

Should I just let it go?

thanks

OP posts:
EdgeOfACoin · 14/08/2022 07:39

Mumsnet is so weird.

Yes, generally people get together for children's first birthday parties. They are special. Furthermore, first birthday parties are much better for adults than other birthday parties, since they tend to be geared towards grown ups rather than endless rounds of Musical Chairs and Pass the Parcel.

As a general rule, family members like seeing their grandchildren and nieces and nephews. Furthermore, when one party frequently makes an effort to travel to see other members of the family, it is generally considered polite and kind to reciprocate once in a while.

And finally, this is clearly something that matters to the OP. She's provided three months' notice and is evidently looking forward to it. Her family are being extraordinarily selfish and I can understand why she is upset.

Londonrach1 · 14/08/2022 07:40

Honestly in the nicest way yabu. It's an invitation to a party not a court summons. A year old doesn't know it's birthday and it's more for you and his dad. It matters most to you. They live an hour and half away and can't drive.

TeddyisMydog · 14/08/2022 07:41

My in laws have never been to see my children on their birthdays.
My children stopped asking for them years ago, their loss

AuntieMarys · 14/08/2022 07:42

Dh has grandchildren and we have never been to their parties, first or otherwise.

Chikapu · 14/08/2022 07:43

I can understand them not wanting to travel over three hours in one day to have to watch you filming every single thing your baby does, that's just very dull for other people.
Enjoy the day without a camera in your hand.

romdowa · 14/08/2022 07:44

We get married 3 days after our sons first birthday. In laws fly in the day before the wedding and fly home the day after. Yet they cry that they live so far away from ds and miss all the special things 😒😒 and it can't even be blamed on money. They've done their whole house up to the tune of 40 grand this summer. Most of it unnecessary, so they've plenty money.

Penguinsaregreat · 14/08/2022 07:47

I get it op.
My in laws were exactly the same except FIL and BIL could drive and they lived much closer than yours do. They did visit but on their own terms.
They always used the weather as an excuse. If was either; likely to snow, likely to rain or there might be the possibility of fog so they refused to come. Other excuses used were; it’s too hot. I’m my joking.
My dcs don’t bother with the in-laws at all now, in laws loss.
Just accept it, don’t invite them again and don’t send video links or photos. There loss.

Mindymomo · 14/08/2022 07:49

I do think that some grandparents just can’t be bothered, they are happy to see grandchildren when you make the effort to take them there. I have friends, early sixties, no health issues, competent drivers, who really didn’t want grandchildren round their house, moaned about the mess, but did concede to looking after the 3rd grandchild once a week, but moaned about this, non stop. Now the GC are much older, they are happier. Maybe take a cake when you visit nearer the time, don’t take it personally, they are probably just set in their ways.

TroysMammy · 14/08/2022 07:49

My sister's in-laws declined to attend their only grand child's first birthday party at the house because they were going to Tesco for the bargains and the time of it clashed. Another birthday party they didn't go to was because they had booked a house viewing for a house they had no intention of buying.

User48751490 · 14/08/2022 07:52

As for it being one sided in terms of visits, I have had experience of this. I just stopped visiting as we were the ones making all the effort. Their loss.

Thefruitbatdancer · 14/08/2022 07:53

Carry on as you were planning to but remember to step back when they need a favour doing.........

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 07:57

To add, I'd be inclined to decline an invitation when I know everything I do or say is likely to be caught on camera

dottiedodah · 14/08/2022 08:04

I guess your folks will be there though ? The inlaws are the ones missing out! Just have a great time and don't worry. Some people don't want to put themselves out their loss

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 14/08/2022 08:06

We do a 3hour round trip in one day to visit them, regularly! they can stay at our house so they can travel back the next day. I’m not saying it’s not a long journey but it’s all one sided. If we didn’t visit them we wouldn’t see them.

I’m more sad for my husband, he puts so much effort in with them and I can tell he’s upsets, he feels embarrassed that no one from his side will be there. It’s not like we’re hosting a huge party, just the people we are closest to, so that it’s not overwhelming for our son, everyone coming he would recognise.

I think it’s a bit sad people hating on parents celebrating their child’s first birthday with family. It’s a small party with just family??

I just think it’s all one sided, we’ve never asked them to come to us, it’s not like we’re finically better off than them, we don’t have lots of money and with petrol being so expensive when we visit them it’s a lot out of our budget.

Just to add we are close to them, it’s not like we’re asking distant family to come, I think we both expected them to make the effort to come

OP posts:
whenwillthemadnessend · 14/08/2022 08:07

If they can't can't be arsed with no his then they will never change. Best start accepting it now.

Your baby will get enough love from you and your parents

Btw. If they demand you visit them next time don't bother!!!

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 14/08/2022 08:13

@EdgeOfACoin Thank you for your kind response. It’s refreshing to hear people do care about seeing their family and that having a celebration for a first birthday isn’t a crazy thing to do!

OP posts:
KyaClark · 14/08/2022 08:27

I understand why you're upset, but it's their loss. Not yours. Not your sons.

Stop making the effort. They clearly don't give a damn.

My son is 1 in early November too and I've not even considered his birthday yet. You're bloody organised!

WhereAreMyAirpods · 14/08/2022 08:31

It’s not just a birthday, we are celebrating our beautiful boy, he’s our miracle baby.

But to them it is just a birthday.

CJsGoldfish · 14/08/2022 08:36

I understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday
tbh, I've been to birthdays like that and find them tedious. So much performance parenting and focus being on the filming rather than the celebration itself 🤷‍♀️

..and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day
And you say "oh, they couldn't make it" No biggie.

You can punish them for your perceived lack of caring or you an accept that they are not comfortable, for whatever reason, travelling to you.

The party will be fine no matter who is, or isn't, there. Enjoy!

Sally872 · 14/08/2022 08:36

My parents and in laws have rarely (if ever) missed any event for their grandchildren certainly not a first birthday. Even if no party they pop in with a gift and to say happy birthday.

It is hurtful they won't make the effort. But for your own sake try not to dwell on it. I would be distancing myself from them and cutting back the visits.

2pinkginsplease · 14/08/2022 08:37

I personally wouldn’t travel on public transport if we lived 1hr and 30Mins away for a first birthday however it sounds like they just don’t ever make the effort.

stop visiting so regularly, that’s what we did, it was always one sided and we live 2 miles away!

BNSY · 14/08/2022 08:38

But you have so many of them

Lovethemarsbars · 14/08/2022 08:40

I wouldn't travel 3 hours for a baby's birthday.

Lucyccfc68 · 14/08/2022 08:43

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:17

I understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day. It’s not just a birthday, we are celebrating our beautiful boy, he’s our miracle baby. They don’t work, they have no commitments, it’s just don’t to the fact they don’t want to travel, or they say they don’t have money to but spend money on rubbish all the time. Why wouldn’t you want to be there on your grandsons birthday? I would travel or miss anything to be there for future grandchildren

I promise your DS won’t care or even notice who was at his 1st birthday party. My DS is 17 and has absolutely no interest in watching a film or video of his first birthday. He would prefer I erased it completely.

I get it’s upsetting that some people seem not to be that bothered. Just take a step back, enjoy your boys birthday and don’t visit them as much.

Suedomin · 14/08/2022 08:43

Three hours travel in one day is a lot, and travelling in November by public transport is.not great. It doesn't mean they don't love their grandchild just that they don't like travelling. I think that is very reasonable