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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed the in-laws are unable to attend our sons first birthday?

132 replies

Sophie9090 · 13/08/2022 23:03

Hi

I feel a little annoyed but I am unsure if I’m being unreasonable. Our sons birthday is early November, I was trying to plan a party with my family and my husbands (we both have big family’s)

We asked my DH family if they would be able to attend, they all said they couldn’t make it for different reasons. They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services, and most of them
would be able to car share.

They have never once came to visit us, we have always drove to them. I just feel they could make the effort to travel this one time, my DH is upset with them but I’m trying not to make him feel bad so I’m playing it down, however I feel it’s so selfish and I just don’t want to make to effort to see them.

Should I just let it go?

thanks

OP posts:
EL8888 · 14/08/2022 00:46

I’m stuck on the fence. On one hand 1st birthday parties are a bit twee and dull for most people. On the other then this is part of a wider clearly defined pattern of them making little effort and expecting you to do the running around

In your shoes l would be making minimal effort from here on in

Remaker · 14/08/2022 01:12

I think it’s unlikely your child will worry about it in the future unless you bring it up. Some GP are more involved than others. You can’t force family to be interested. Just have the party and enjoy it.

As for future events I’d consider what’s in the child’s best interest. If you want them to have a relationship with their family on that side then take them for Christmas etc. God knows I’ve put up with some shit from my SIL to enable my kids to have a close relationship with their cousins - and I’m glad I did.

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2022 07:01

My parents live 4 hours away, mum can't drive and dad no longer drives on the motorway. Ge also has sciatica which flares up on long journeys. They didn't come to my firstborn first birthday, they threw a small get together at theirs instead. Second child and they did get the train up but dad struggled for the next week. Third child is 1 in 3 weeks and they have announced they are throwing a birthday party for her at theirs as they can't attend ours. They puck up the fill cost of the party, cake, decorations and food. We literally just turn up. My dh sees it as a lack of effort but I'm fine with it. We can't do it for each birthday of course and sometimes they have to make do with a video of the kids opening their presents.

Your beautiful baby will have a lovely party even if it is just with your friendd and family. It is a celebration of your child and you should do that with your nearest and dearest, people who want to be there will be. Don't focus on who can't make it bit enjoy with the ones that do. I do family parties for my kids but not on their actual birthday as that day is more special to me than anyone else and I'd prefer not to be run ragged cooking and hosting.

SummerLobelia · 14/08/2022 07:09

I understand when the effort all feels one sided. I'd make less effort to be honest.

One of my friends has family who never make the effort to go to hers. They say it is too far. But expect her to go to them. The distance is the same oddly enough which direction you go.

pd339 · 14/08/2022 07:09

No-one cares about your child as much as you do. You can't force them to be interested. Move on.

bluberries · 14/08/2022 07:11

It's an invitation not a summons.

Also, reduce the visits. If they have the ability to visit you, invite them over to yours every so often (even if they decline a few). Maybe DH can offer to pick them up if its too long a journey for them.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 14/08/2022 07:11

We did big parties for our two on their first birthday because neither are christened, family and friends are widespread so many hadn't met them by that point. Absolutely it was more for the adults than the kids so any adults that aren't fussed needn't come. OP you are obviously bowled over by your baby, that's fine, but you will have to develop a thicker skin around the fact that few others will feel as you do. I would say that you needn't break your neck travelling to them too often, and certainly not if they try to guilt trip you into it.

bluberries · 14/08/2022 07:12

Also don't spend the whole time filming, soak up the day

LoveKingGary · 14/08/2022 07:12

Honestly it's their loss. You've asked them to come, you've said it's important to you, and they've declined. Don't let it take up headspace just shrug your shoulders and have a lovely day with your son.

As for some of the negative comments about first birthdays, in most families it is normal and nice to celebrate a first birthday with a family get together! The child doesn't know of course but it's generally an excuse for a family to get together. At least in our family! As the child gets older their birthdays are going to be at soft play, with friends etc, so I do think 1st birthdays are a bit more for the grown ups to celebrate a milestone in the child and parents' life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Ilikewinter · 14/08/2022 07:14

They all live approx 1 hour 30 mins a away, most of them don’t drive, however there are train services

I live 1.5hr car drive away from family but if I get the train that easily turns into over 2hrs plus the additional travel time to/from the station etc.

Overall thats a nightmare trip for anyone!

LoveKingGary · 14/08/2022 07:15

No-one cares about your child as much as you do. You can't force them to be interested. Move on

But it's the child's family, on his birthday. You'd expect them to care a little bit....?!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/08/2022 07:16

understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day

I'm sure he really won't care! And surely a 'oh they couldn't make it' would suffice when he asks?

I get that it's an important day to you but it is only you it's important to

bluberries · 14/08/2022 07:17

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/08/2022 07:16

understand our son won’t know now but we film everything for when he’s older, and I definitely will be filming his first birthday and he might ask when he’s older where his dads family is on his special day

I'm sure he really won't care! And surely a 'oh they couldn't make it' would suffice when he asks?

I get that it's an important day to you but it is only you it's important to

I agree I don't think this will be a big issue for your son at all.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 07:22

Are they 90 minutes drive away or 90 minutes on public transport?

pd339 · 14/08/2022 07:23

LoveKingGary · 14/08/2022 07:15

No-one cares about your child as much as you do. You can't force them to be interested. Move on

But it's the child's family, on his birthday. You'd expect them to care a little bit....?!

As I said, you can expect all you want but if they don't, they don't

lightand · 14/08/2022 07:26

Have 1st birthdays become a "thing"?
I have to go to one.
But different circumstances, but a first birthday is just for parents.

Different they dont come to see you ever.

MintJulia · 14/08/2022 07:26

Some people just aren't that in to babies. I'm not a grandparent so I don't know how I'd feel but getting together for a 1yo's birthday seems a bit odd. Your baby won't know anything about it.

I can understand a family party to bring people together, but if, as families, you don't have much in common, maybe they don't want to travel and spend hours feeling awkward.

You can't force people to join in. I'd just let it go.

DaisyJoy1 · 14/08/2022 07:26

1 year old birthdays are a waste of time, if i'm really honest. It's not FOR the baby. He's 1. It's for the parents. I'm sure they'll visit him on his birthday when he's old enough to even realise it's his birthday? We didn't even do birthday parties until 3. I didn't go to my nephews first birthday because he was literally 1, wouldn't notice if I was there or not, and I had other plans that I didn't want to cancel when he won't care or remember if I'm there or not. I love him and see him often, just I didn't feel the need to attend a party.

User48751490 · 14/08/2022 07:26

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 13/08/2022 23:09

For whom? The baby won’t give a damn.

Show quote history

It's true. Babies just don't care.

AllyCatTown · 14/08/2022 07:28

I think if you’d just posted that your relatives never visit and you always have to go to them despite the fact they’re able, have the money etc etc then you’d have more supporters.

However MN dislikes you if you want reluctant people to celebrate your child as they’ll love to remind you that no one cares about your child as much as you. And also since it’s a first birthday that the child won’t know or care- of course you know that and everyone knows a first birthday is more for family.

So I think yanbu as it’s more an issue of a lack of effort from them than this one party.

rocketfromthecrypt · 14/08/2022 07:30

pd339 · 14/08/2022 07:09

No-one cares about your child as much as you do. You can't force them to be interested. Move on.

So much this!

On MN anyone who has been invited to something they would prefer not to attend is told that that's fine, it's an invitation not a summons. And it's true. First birthday parties are lovely for the parents but quite boring for most other people.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/08/2022 07:32

A 1.5hr drive is easily 2/3 hrs on public transport door to door. I’d unlikely do 4-6 hrs travelling for a first birthday party… they are generally about the parent wanting a get together not the child anyway.

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 07:34

How long is the trip on public transport and what are their reasons?

changzi · 14/08/2022 07:36

YANBU to feel upset. I've missed nearly all my nieces' and nephews' first birthdays due to impossible distance and I'd have given anything to be able to be there and celebrate with the family. The first birthday is a big deal to many parents and it's not weird for a warm loving family to want to get together and be happy for you all.

StClare101 · 14/08/2022 07:38

I think what is more relevant is they never visit at all. Stuff that. I’d be dialling back the effort.

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