To let Dd walk off

[Iusedtobedontcall]

Dd, 16, has been very challenging, particularly in her teen years. She stopped wanting to attend school in year 10 and when she did go in, she was often sent home and was excluded for being verbally abusive, truanting or being disruptive. She would often use threats to kill herself as a way of manipulating the family to do whatever she wanted and obviously every threat had to be taken seriously. We sought private help for her and she got a diagnosis of autism and support from CAMHS. I’ve tried to employ different parenting strategies- I’ve been stricter, I’ve love bombed her, I’ve tried natural consequences, I’ve tried to get her external support - but she hasn’t engaged. I’ve gone through the EHCP process but we were turned down.

Since leaving school she’s secured an apprenticeship in a field she wants to work in, but after only a few days she’s started saying she won’t go in because it’s too hot, or she’s not slept well.

If I offer her food and it’s not exactly what she wants she calls me ‘a fucking cunt’ or a ‘waste of space.’ She was once excluded from school for bullying another student and her response to being told off and asked to give her phone to us as a consequence was to storm off into the night, message a charity helpline saying she was being abused and was going to kill herself and that she had no bed to sleep in.

We had actually dismantled DD’s bed as a new one was being delivered the next day (after she deliberately broke the previous one). After her helpline messages, the police arrived with Dd and I explained what had happened and showed them our clean and tidy home with a spare room and made up bed upstairs for Dd to sleep in and showed them the email that said the new bed was arriving. The officer said we had a lovely home and nothing at all to worry about.
We had a family support worker visit after DD’s behaviours - running off etc. They said we were already accessing support privately and didn’t need any additional support. She was referred to a Youth support group but refused to attend after two sessions.

Recently her abuse has escalated further. She decided she wanted her boyfriend to live with us and claimed he was homeless. I called his mum and this was all lies. Dd then said she would run off and never come back if I didn’t allow him to live here. I was in the early stages of pregnancy (which she knew about) and she came back with her boyfriend at midnight, screaming and banging the door - demanding I let him stay. She eventually backed down but I had no sleep and found out a week later at a scan that I had miscarried.

She will use anything as a way to manipulate me. I went with her to the GP to get her put on the pill when she got together with her boyfriend and when she’s in a rage she’ll threaten not to take it in order to make me do what she wants. She has a high need for control. I do ask her to take it every day and she does take it continuously with the occasional 4 day break at the end of a pack as she hates having periods.

Today after not going to work because it was too hot, she demanded a specific brand of salt and vinegar pretzels. When I couldn’t find them in the shop she screamed and swore at me, saying I was a horrible mum and she couldn’t talk to me. She then shouted that she’d had an abortion in secret because I was such a bad mum she couldn’t speak to me. I don’t believe this tbh, as she doesn’t leave the house in the day - apart from going to work this past week. I would also absolutely have supported her - I’ve been there with her through everything, even when she’s been abusive towards me I’ve been calm and loving. I have had a medically managed miscarriage two weeks ago and it was horrendous- there’s little chance Dd has been through that and hid it from me. But I’ve just sobbed and sobbed - triggered by my own experience and also devastated in case Dd has been through that.

She does lie all the time. She once lied that our dog was bleeding badly when we were out and then when asked to send a picture of the wound said he was better now. There was nothing wrong with him.

She’s called 999 twice in the past two weeks. Once during an argument with her boyfriend (she admitted he hadn’t done anything and said she just thought it might escalate). I’m open to the fact that it could be more - but in all honesty I think she uses it as a way to control and abuse him. I’ve witnessed her screaming at him in her rages too.

The second time she apparently ‘pocket dialled’ them.

She then stormed out saying she’s not coming back tonight. She’s blocked me after saying I was a waste of space, don’t deserve children and was a fucking cunt. I have cried and cried and my own mental health is suffering. AIBU to ask her dad to have her (we are amicably divorced) for a bit of respite when she does come back?

Keep reminding yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. Send her to her dad's and ask him how she behaves.You may find she doesn't dare give him the crap that comes your way.

Social services would not be interested. I’m not sure she is particularly at risk. She has two homes she can go to. I’m just exhausted from her abuse. The family support worker through early help certainly wasn’t interested.

Could you suggest her moving out OP?

Of course she is at risk, she is mentally unstable and out of control right now.

They don’t care though - I’ve tried to access support and I’ve got none. Everything is so stretched at the moment.

In amongst all of the shit that you are dealing with, please at least try to find a few minutes to have some food and, if you do drink, maybe a small drink. It sounds as though you need it.

I am 4 years in from where you are now. It does get better. My DD doesn't have a diagnosis because she won't engage with any medical service but I suspect some sort of personality disorder. We went through hell and back with her between the ages of 14-17 and I have no real advice except hang in there. She knew at 18 I think that we would not continue to put up with the behaviour, abuse and damage as an adult and she has reigned herself right in.
She was excluded from school, sacked from jobs (or just walked out) and she has now made a successful claim for ESA and PIP so the pressure is off her at the moment as she has a decent income from those and lives with us. That seems to be a big trigger for her - the pressure of school or work and we saw a dramatic improvement in behaviour once she had been excluded and then once her jobs ended. It may be that she needs a bit of time with the pressure off even if the apprenticeship seems like something she wants to do and is interested in.

I'm a psychologist who works with young people with ASD. It can be really difficult getting them to engage with therapy, much as with your daughter. One thing i wondered is that often people with a PDA profile actually have a lot of underlying anxiety, which presents as a need for control and aggressive behaviour and not engaging with things, so the people around them don't see it as anxiety or stop offering support. Given her trauma as well, i wondered if her psychiatrist has ever considered an SSRI to help manage any anxiety? If if helps, it could make it easier for her to engage with other supports?

I just wouldn't put up with this a moment longer , you owe it to your younger daughter to get this toxic situation sorted and you also deserve a happy home .

It sounds like you're being played like a fiddle under the guise of special needs excusing awful behaviour. Give her an ultimatum and mean it . She gets a grip of her behaviour, treats you and her sister with respect or she moves out .
Where is up to her . Hopefully taking a stance will give her food for thought .

I cannot believe the number of toxic children on this forum creating absolute misery for other family members .

@Iusedtobedontcall has your DD received any kind of therapeutic treatment/support from any of the professionals for the specific sexual assault? This is a massive ACE, but you didn't mention it in your OP. Do you feel the professionals have overlooked this?

She’s been prescribed sertraline which I think helps a little. It’s hard to tell.

I did wonder about applying for PIP but I was hoping she’d manage work. It’s possible she can’t.

She won’t engage in therapy really. She’s had CBT and DBT but shuts down so it can’t help.

Oh OP, teenagers can be horrible.

She clearly knows she is loved, so I do think it’s time for some tough love at this point - stop pandering to her and running round after her.

Ring your ex about her splitting the time between the two of you and while you do that devise some rules. Swearing equals loss of privileges / allowance. No boy friends moving in. No running around getting special food. She needs to go to her apprenticeship or no lifts.

If she continues to play up I would contact SS.

If you can persuade her to switch to an implant do, but otherwise if she doesn’t take the pills she will have to face the consequences of a termination.

In a couple of years she’ll probably be way better.

She refused the implant - I would prefer that. Luckily it seems she’s taken her medication with her, both the sertraline and the pill. I think she’ll be with a friend or her boyfriend so I’ll try just to sleep tonight and consider what to do in the morning. She took a bag with her.

I don't know what your options are for 3rd sector support, but I've seen some young people like your daughter engage better with community befriending/ support workers than with formal therapy. Part of the problem with therapies like DBT and CBT is that they assume a level of emotional literacy that a lot of anxious young people with ASD just don't have. You can sometimes adapt it to work for them if they are motivated, but it sounds like your daughter isn't at that stage.
Do you have links with ASD support groups for yourself? It sounds like you as a family need to think about what your boundaries are and how you respond to your daughter breaking those boundaries with her behaviour. Support from other local parents might help you with trying to pull together a plan for what to do?

We tried the youth worker route but she was just referred to a group that she wouldn’t engage with. It could be worth me contacting early help again to ask for support and be more insistent this time. I think I’ve been scared of that and of admitting that I’m struggling.

You sound exhausted and I'm not surprised. Your DD has been through and awful time and so have you.

Can you get signed off work? Take that out of the equation for now.

Will she see being sent to her dad as rejection/punishment, will this make things worse? If so can you send her there 'Because Her Dad Misses Seeing Her' rather than 'To Give You A Break'

I am really sorry for your loss.

The posters saying "just send her to her dad's... . How is that going to solve the issue?

Op, to put it bluntly, along the incident in year 10, this is what happens when an Autistic child does not get the support they need. They mask for X amount of years, then They get older and expectations are raised it all goes tits up. This is not your fault. It is what it is but you can now change things. I think one of your mistakes was not pursuing the EHCP when it got rejected. Many parents get rejected initially but then they take it to tribunal and they get it awarded. What you desperately need are specialist private reports that your DD needs X and the LA will have no choice but to offer. So if it's sayid that your daughter needs bourse psychotherapy for X amount per week then the LA would have to deliver it. I would get onto it ASAP as EHCP tends to cease around 18 although some parents manage to push this until 25.

The biggest issue is that your DD needs professionals who are trained in managing children with PDA. Not only that, but your DD sounds very very vulnerable and it would be great if she has an Autistic trained mentor who can support her with consent, relationships, sex and her feelings. I don't feel like you should give up on her now as it's only recently that she has had a diagnosis and I presume didn't get much support earlier on.

I’m still within the deadline for appeal as we were rejected for EHCP less than two months ago.

But at 16 - when realistically she’ll only get it till 18 and given how long the process can be, I’m wondering if it’s even worth it now.

I was just going to say. That's the issue with CBT, for people who have difficulties with their speech, language and communication skills, CBT is pretty pointless- although they are exceptions.

There's a psychotherapy approach with using horses, this has worked marvellous with some of the Autistic teens I have known.

Her ability to work doesn't affect her entitlement to DLA/PIP. It is worth applying for, but get help filling in the form from someone who knows how to fill them in.

We were referred to a psychotherapist with experience of working with young people with social and communication difficulties and she was excellent. Dd decided she didn’t need it and it didn’t help after three or four sessions and refused to go back.

Yes it is always worth it!!! Like I've said, parents have pushed this till their DC's have reached until 25.

I’ll start the appeal process. I think I’m just exhausted by it all and by the relentless nature of the abuse.