Dd, 16, has been very challenging, particularly in her teen years. She stopped wanting to attend school in year 10 and when she did go in, she was often sent home and was excluded for being verbally abusive, truanting or being disruptive. She would often use threats to kill herself as a way of manipulating the family to do whatever she wanted and obviously every threat had to be taken seriously. We sought private help for her and she got a diagnosis of autism and support from CAMHS. I’ve tried to employ different parenting strategies- I’ve been stricter, I’ve love bombed her, I’ve tried natural consequences, I’ve tried to get her external support - but she hasn’t engaged. I’ve gone through the EHCP process but we were turned down.
Since leaving school she’s secured an apprenticeship in a field she wants to work in, but after only a few days she’s started saying she won’t go in because it’s too hot, or she’s not slept well.
If I offer her food and it’s not exactly what she wants she calls me ‘a fucking cunt’ or a ‘waste of space.’ She was once excluded from school for bullying another student and her response to being told off and asked to give her phone to us as a consequence was to storm off into the night, message a charity helpline saying she was being abused and was going to kill herself and that she had no bed to sleep in.
We had actually dismantled DD’s bed as a new one was being delivered the next day (after she deliberately broke the previous one). After her helpline messages, the police arrived with Dd and I explained what had happened and showed them our clean and tidy home with a spare room and made up bed upstairs for Dd to sleep in and showed them the email that said the new bed was arriving. The officer said we had a lovely home and nothing at all to worry about.
We had a family support worker visit after DD’s behaviours - running off etc. They said we were already accessing support privately and didn’t need any additional support. She was referred to a Youth support group but refused to attend after two sessions.
Recently her abuse has escalated further. She decided she wanted her boyfriend to live with us and claimed he was homeless. I called his mum and this was all lies. Dd then said she would run off and never come back if I didn’t allow him to live here. I was in the early stages of pregnancy (which she knew about) and she came back with her boyfriend at midnight, screaming and banging the door - demanding I let him stay. She eventually backed down but I had no sleep and found out a week later at a scan that I had miscarried.
She will use anything as a way to manipulate me. I went with her to the GP to get her put on the pill when she got together with her boyfriend and when she’s in a rage she’ll threaten not to take it in order to make me do what she wants. She has a high need for control. I do ask her to take it every day and she does take it continuously with the occasional 4 day break at the end of a pack as she hates having periods.
Today after not going to work because it was too hot, she demanded a specific brand of salt and vinegar pretzels. When I couldn’t find them in the shop she screamed and swore at me, saying I was a horrible mum and she couldn’t talk to me. She then shouted that she’d had an abortion in secret because I was such a bad mum she couldn’t speak to me. I don’t believe this tbh, as she doesn’t leave the house in the day - apart from going to work this past week. I would also absolutely have supported her - I’ve been there with her through everything, even when she’s been abusive towards me I’ve been calm and loving. I have had a medically managed miscarriage two weeks ago and it was horrendous- there’s little chance Dd has been through that and hid it from me. But I’ve just sobbed and sobbed - triggered by my own experience and also devastated in case Dd has been through that.
She does lie all the time. She once lied that our dog was bleeding badly when we were out and then when asked to send a picture of the wound said he was better now. There was nothing wrong with him.
She’s called 999 twice in the past two weeks. Once during an argument with her boyfriend (she admitted he hadn’t done anything and said she just thought it might escalate). I’m open to the fact that it could be more - but in all honesty I think she uses it as a way to control and abuse him. I’ve witnessed her screaming at him in her rages too.
The second time she apparently ‘pocket dialled’ them.
She then stormed out saying she’s not coming back tonight. She’s blocked me after saying I was a waste of space, don’t deserve children and was a fucking cunt. I have cried and cried and my own mental health is suffering. AIBU to ask her dad to have her (we are amicably divorced) for a bit of respite when she does come back?