to be sick to death of people thinking they have to tell me how awfully painful childbirth is?

[betterhalf]

I am now 39+3 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and people just delight in telling me the horrors of childbirth! Today I had someone who knows my Mum say 'Has anyone explained to you how terribly painful it will be for you?'
Well, thanks for that love, you've really cheered me up! I was feeling nice and calm about the impending birth, knowing I will have pain but feeling confident I can cope, and now my confidence has been shot! Grrrrr

But HMC there's a difference between horror story and informed, rational, discussion. Too many people want to transmit the drama of their pain or distress, rather than the necessary information.

Hi, i just wanted to say that i hope you get the birth you want, just be flexible (that was the best advice my midwife gave me!). I also have to say that i agree with lennygrrl, every new mum wants to share her story whether good or bad with those that understand and people are only trying to help as they have been there and in a few weeks time you may be wanting to help someone yourself .

Mums should support one another especially for those who've had a hard time giving birth. A traumatic birth or just a presumed easy, pain free birth that wasn't can lead to an increase in PND, so people need to be aware of what they say.

Johnsie-just be careful what you say as you may find yourself having to eat humble pie in a few months time. Being pregnant does not give you the right to ride roughshod over other peoples feelings.

As some have said, pain is individual and no birth is the same even for the same person. We should be wishing mums to be the best birth but encouraging them to do what they want during their labour.

And yes, no matter what the pain, they are completely, totally and utterly worth it.

hmc - just a little harsh I think... betterhalf is perfectly aware that childbirth WILL be painful. As she's said - she's not STUPID. And I have given her all the details of my (pretty horrendous) 4 labours in all their gory details. Because she asked. Because she is not afraid to hear the truth. My sister had a horrendous labour a few months ago - back to back. And betterhalf knows about that to.

What she is annoyed about, is people coming up to he and rubbing in the fact about how painful it will be. This woman didn't give any facts or suggestions so was not trying to educate or be helpful. She was simply being malicious as could be see from the fact that she was smirking when she said it and obviously enjoyed upsetting betterhalf. I'm sure you wouldn't have welcomed that sort of behaviour either...

There's a difference between being truthful and offering advice when it is wanted and just causing upset for the sake of it.

'too' oops

Betterhalf - look at this thread for some light relief about labour www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1365/263007?stamp=080121222347
Had me in tears of laughter!

Some of mine were back-to-back babies. Made a huge difference to the pain levels to stand/kneel/sit and lean forward. Avoiding being on my back or even sitting and leaning back made a difference for me. But then that's true for me whether back-to-back or not.

Message withdrawn

Love Angel - 'Good breathing techniques can help you to bear with the pain and not freak out, but childbirth is painful, it's pretty scary in parts, and to pretend anything else is quackery.' - grrr.

I can accept that your birth experience(s) were painful and frightening. Why can't you accept that mine (and those of plenty of other women) weren't?

I find it really irritating that so many posters on this thread want to insist that birth is horrifically painful for everyone. IT ISN'T.

Haven't read all messages as i don't have time

I have 4dc and 3 of the births were wonderful, 2 especially. Childbirth is not always horrific. Yes it can be painful but thats expected.

I agree people always tell horror stories but nearly all go on to have more children! If it was that awful everyone would only have 1 child!!

Actually, I had a c-section @ policywonk - so my childbirth experience wasn't painful at all! I'm just relating to what 99% of women I have ever spoken to about childbirth have told me - in fact, make that 100%. I've never heard anyone say 'childbirth isn't painful'. Pain doesn't have to equal 'awful', though,so don't confuse what I'm saying. I know it is possible to have a positive experience of birth despite the pain, or perhaps through the pain. I'm not stupid!

And I repeat - Idon't think it's OK to frighten an expectant mum with horror stories, although I find it hard to believe that many (if any) woman would do this out of malice or spite. More likely, they are trying (and yes, perhaps failing) to be helpful, and probably off loading their own feelings a little (which may be wrong, but is human).

Look - it balances itself out in the end. Expectant first time mums have to grit their teeth while experienced mothers bang on about the horrors of childbirth. We have to smile politely and try not to roll our eyes when they talk about 'breathing it out'. I'd say thats even stevens .

ime people who have a had a less painful birth don't acknowledge that there are difficult levels of pain and difficulty associated with different labours. it's seem more as a "coping" issue

handlemecarefully, my 5th post was said 'tongue in cheek'. I am far from naive, although don't have the birth experience as yet.

I have welcomed helpful comments from people, who acknowledge that its painful, hard work, etc, etc. I'll repeat for emphasis... it's the gory, scary, life threatening stories that get pressed onto me, whether I want them or have asked for them that cause annoyance. If you want to explain to me how its helpful to tell a pregnant woman the worst possible scenarios, then please do. I know it will be painful. I am not totally stupid. And I have yet to meet a woman who thinks it won't be painful!

If someone was going in to hosspital to have a major operation, would people go telling him/ her how awful it was going to be for them? I don't think so, unless they were incredibly insensitive! So why is it seen as given that pregnant women want to hear the worst all the time?

I agree@bossykate.

You're right, the worst case scenarios shouldn't be forced on an expectant mum@betterhalf. Who are these people telling you these stories, I'd like to know?Tthey're not very nice, are they?!? Seriously, I would never dream of telling a pregnant woman the goriest aspects of my own birth experience, or even getting into a ballpark conversation about that stuff. ( I save that for other mums who have had gory experiences! ).

A bit of sensitivity doesn't cost anything, does it?

I'm not sure that people intend to be insensitive, it's just that they are so amazed by their ability to come through it, they can't help telling everyone about it. I do resent it when you get friends' of friends birth horror stories though, witness tactless neighbour to me recently: "Oh my friend's just had her third and said it was absolutely her worst experience. She was screaming out for drugs..." Yep, I'm pregnant with my third.

As I said earlier in the thread, the pendulum does seem to have swung from drawing a veil over the whole experience to wallowing in its worst aspects. I felt quite embarrassed when I had my two children because it wasn't that bad but I got the impression no one wanted to hear that.

well that's it isn't it - a straightforward, relatively easy birth doesn't make a good story does it?

i had two easy births - friends had more difficult times, and tbh i also think their "stories" have got worse and more dramatic over the years!! We were in NCT classes together and i heard the "original" straight after the birth and it really sounds far worse now than then!

To be honest, I think it's just as bad to be all 'hearts and roses' about birth. I remember going to see a friend in hospital after she'd had her first baby. She was livid. She said 'i can't believe all these bloody natural birth classes didn't tell me it was going to bloody well hurt so much.' Swings and roundabouts.

Gave birth 7 weeks ago, and the memory of the pain has already faded. Yes, it hurt like hell, but because it's not a constant pain, because you can breathe through it, and it's a productive pain, you'll get through it.

I found that time went quite quickly, though realise this is not the same for everyone.

When the baby comes out there's this slippery rush and the pain just goes.

Good luck, you'll be just fine.

p.s. use a TENS machine... I did and I LOVED it!!

:-D

Well on the flip side, I think there's nothing worse than someone regalling you with their tale of what a marvellous and easy birth they had. Why?
Are you trying to tell me that I'm some weak willed failure because I found it difficult?

That's a really good point. For all but he most horrific births, the worst of the pain does seem to fade pretty quickly for most people.

Oh also - and I'm sorry in advance if this sounds awful.. I found that a lot of my antenatal group were saying that they had really bad birth experiences, and I didn't think that sharing my incredibly good birth experience would be particularly helpful.

I could go on and on about how good it was to them, and anybody else that asks, but if someone doesn't have a great experience I would just feel like i was rubbing their nose in it.

Does that make sense?

The other side of it was that my mum said I was a wuss and didn't have any pain threshold because I screamed during the birth (of course!!).

Boy is she in for a shock when she's birth partner to my sister in the summer... heh.

That wasn't aimed at you kekouen

True, too@ranting!

I did feel sad that I couldn't really talk about it though...

Oh K, never thought about it like that before. Yes that must be quite tough, not to feel able to talk about it.