Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick to death of people thinking they have to tell me how awfully painful childbirth is?

325 replies

betterhalf · 20/01/2008 19:29

I am now 39+3 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and people just delight in telling me the horrors of childbirth! Today I had someone who knows my Mum say 'Has anyone explained to you how terribly painful it will be for you?'
Well, thanks for that love, you've really cheered me up! I was feeling nice and calm about the impending birth, knowing I will have pain but feeling confident I can cope, and now my confidence has been shot! Grrrrr

OP posts:
tictacto · 22/01/2008 11:21

Betterhalf. I'm sure you will have a wonderful birth. I think it hurts but it's totally managable. breaking you leg is much worse and you get rubbish drugs for it too (if that's your bag)

You will never stop people talking about how grim it is. It's like old people having boiled sweets, one of lifes definitelys.

Smile sweetly and whisper to yourself, gas and air, morphine, massages on demand

LoveAngel · 22/01/2008 11:21

You have to play it by ear, don't you? I wouldn't regal pregnant first timers with my birth story, and I wouldn't expect a new mum who'd had a really great birth to regal a new mum who'd really suffered with her birth story. It's common sense. But later on down the line, when we aren't so raw about it, we do have to acknowledge that people have dramatically different experiences, and it's OK to talk about them. My best friend in the world has had quick, easy, painless births, is back in her jeans within a few weeks and took to BF-ing like a duck to water. I had a hard pregnancy, a c-section, took a long time to recover, got PND, didn't BF for long - we are the best of friends and can laugh and cry and share our experiences with no hard feelings either way.

kekouan · 22/01/2008 11:22

Ranting, that's OK
Thanks though... I felt like I had achieved this massive thing and then couldn't share how positive an experience it was...

Ah well.. never mind..

rantinghousewife · 22/01/2008 11:25

Yes, good point LA, I can do that with a couple of my friends now. Possibly not so soon near or after a birth iirc.
I do wonder (the pain issue aside) whether all women can remember it like it was yesterday, I can't remember much about the labour, but I do remember the moment both of mine were born with quite startling clarity.

Shazza2002 · 22/01/2008 11:26

My friend who is 39 weeks has been attending 'Hynobirthing' classes. They are of the belief it is all natural so why should it hurt, the main reason it does is because people tell you it's going to so you anticipate the pain. I am 11 weeks PG with my 2nd and have told this friend to let me know how she get's on, if it helps I'll try anything once.

Now I am on the belief that it hurts because you're trying to squeeze something the size of a very large melon out of a hole the 'normal' size of a plum. That's gotta hurt.

Birth with DD1 was painful, I was induced by drip for 6 hours, pushing for 10 and out she popped. But it is a pain you can cope with and yes there is something wonderful at the end.

Just go in with an open mind is what I say. Good luck and hope it all goes well.

Kitti · 22/01/2008 13:10

but it's so much fun!! (I mean telling people it's going to hurt not actually giving birth!!) - the blood the gore - the searing pains - ok ok - EVERY birth is different and there are drugs and sometimes they help. It is amazing how people love to tell you horror stories because that's what they remember - if people have an easy birth then they're just happy. My 2nd was fast and easy - helped by the fact that my waters hadn't burst and the midwife said it wasn't necessary to break them - whereas everyone told me that their midwives had broken their waters and they had been in agony immediately!!! My midwife really helped by saying that and I started to push and at 1.59pm I pushed and heard a pop and the water gushed out and at 2.01pm I pushed and out came baby ......hubby tells me her arm came out first clawing the air!!! So glad that I hadn't listened to people with ideas about mirrors or camcording the whole event!!. I hope you have (or had) a lovely birth. Good luck to you and just remember - you're in for years of "advice" and "comments" now - you wait till he/she hits the terrible twos, and the potty training and don't even get me started on......everyone switches off

Pruners · 22/01/2008 17:27

Message withdrawn

Pruners · 22/01/2008 17:28

Message withdrawn

warthog · 22/01/2008 19:48

'oh they just pop out' is what i was told

but actually i couldn't remember the intensity of the pain even a couple of days later. hey - i'm doing it again, so it can't be that bad!

lillee · 22/01/2008 20:06

Yeah pregnant women, new mums are both fair game for stupid comments by all sorts of people and mostly those you don't know! Like everyone says it is sore but no more painful that you can handle - it is natural after all! Just do your breathing and you will cope whether you have pain relief or not.

Really you will need to have an answer for these idiots cos it will continue when you have your precious bundle - lots of stories about what you should expect, what your child will do, how it will get worse to cope and of course how to handle everything to do with your baby. ALL NONSENSE. You will know what's best in this sitch and when your baby is in this world, mother's instinct you see. All the best on the big day you will be grand

QueenOfCards · 22/01/2008 20:20

I was told by people that as soon as the baby was out the pain went instantly and you experience this 'euphoric' moment with your baby in your arms and everything just suddenly go's into perspective. Then they say how you soon forget the pain! Bollocks is what i say.

Labour was the most painful experience of my life and i can remember the pain in detail. When my baby came out i was in such shock from the pain that i wasn't interested in her at all and didn't bond for about 4 days with her. I was in agony after the birth.

I would rather people have told me their horror stories because then i could have built myself up to expect ALOT of pain. Instead i thought it wasn't going to that bad and it would be like having bad period pain. So let people tell their horror stories because then you can say to them after how it wasn't as bad as they said it would be!

lillee · 22/01/2008 20:27

I'm glad i never asked this question before i gave birth cos i really think these stories would have freaked me out even more than i was already!

Betterhalf when you do give birth let us know your own experience.

WinkyWinkola · 22/01/2008 20:41

I'd rather know than not know.

It's funny though, I wouldn't describe my labours as pain per se. More constipated discomfort. I reckon it was the TENS machine that helped me the most.

morningpaper · 22/01/2008 20:47

I think that your birth experience carves itself on your brain so deeply that whenever people mention it, it brings it all back to you

I was surprised when pregnant and loads of 80 and 90 year old women at church wanted to tell me all about their birth experiences - like it was just yesterday - you never 'get over it' - whether that's because it was great or horrid. It changes everything, you included. That never fades!

StarlightMcKenzie · 22/01/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twinklemegan · 22/01/2008 21:47

I completely agree with StarlightMcKenzie and QueenofCards and I don't think I can bring myself to read the thread.

Those of you who reckon giving birth was like "bad period pain" or whatever just count yourselves lucky and please remember that many of us have a really horrible time. After I had finally pushed out my DS, the MW told my DH that it had been one of the most difficult natural births she had ever attended. That helps me a bit whenever I start thinking that perhaps I'm just a wimp. And No I haven't forgotten, and No I never ever want to do it again.

Umlellala · 22/01/2008 21:57

This is the thing isn't it? All labours and women are different. I can share an almost-exactly-the-same-on-paper experience as my friend, yet I felt my birth experience was great and she is getting counselling for her next! Because we are different people - and there are no rules it seems. Think the hospital had a lot to answer for in her case (and baby was quite ill after). Oh, and I was expecting, and demanded, an epidural ASAP as I felt I had a rubbish pain threshold (Starlight, you're right, the ability to 'cope' isn't the main thing at all).

Morningpaper, that's fascinating about the women at church (I thought you were Jewish... wonder why?). It does become the Biggest Event of Your Life, f'sure.

I am prob guilty of rabbiting on about how wonderful my epidural was - and annoying people about my fabulous (long) birth experience with a mobile epi where I could feel everything but no pain. Don't get why you'd do it with no pain relief - but obv stay silent when friends say they are going to 'breathe' through it all. Oh, and I do go on about how amazing the hospital (Homerton) was!

StarlightMcKenzie · 22/01/2008 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Umlellala · 22/01/2008 22:10

And at least you know what it's all for

Twinklemegan · 22/01/2008 22:15

Just to clarify - I did read the OP and a few posts the other day and I know the OP wasn't saying anything of the sort I was responding to. Good luck to you Betterhalf - personally I think it's a good thing to be prepared. I hope this thread hasn't put you off completely (bit late now in any case eh?). We're all still here to tell the tale.

juuule · 23/01/2008 07:02

"'Giving birth isn't particularly nice whichever way you do it,"
I know what you mean BUT there must be something about it for some people to WANT to give birth again. I know for me there was a tremendous feeling of excitement when I knew that labour was starting.

ruty · 23/01/2008 08:59

the wonderful thing about it is the child you get at the end!

LoveAngel · 23/01/2008 09:22

People do it again because they want another child, not because they want another 'birth experience', surely? I don't particularly want to have another c-section (ie. major operation) but I do want another child.

policywonk · 23/01/2008 09:28

I know I am like a broken record on this thread so apologies, but: my births were really fabulous experiences, and I wouldn't change anything about either of them. (Apart from the stitching up with inadequate anaesthetic after DS2.) They weren't 'nice', but only because 'nice' is an inadequate word. They were powerful and intense and joyful and exhilarating.

I do take on board what some of you have said about those of us with good experiences being smug or patronising. I do NOT think that those of you who found birth exceptionally painful are in some way inadequate. I know that I am very lucky to have had the experiences I did, and it could easily have gone another way. I know that most women find birth very painful.

However, I do think that it is important that the OP, and any other first-timers reading this thread, are not left with the impression that searing pain is absolutely inevitable.

ruty · 23/01/2008 09:42

as someone who has been hit by a car and waited for hours without painkillers with a smashed pelvis, I would say my birth pain was equal to this pain, [now I guess I will be called bloody stupid and how dare i mention my bad experience to mothers to be] because i was having very heavy contractions and not dilating at all, for many hours. My point in saying this is that it is not the experience of pain that differs, it is the actual pain itself. People have different levels of pain. It is not about how well you cope [I'm sure breathing techiques can help in some instances, in others they are bugger all use] it is often about how lucky you are, how suited your body is to birth and how well the baby is positioned. This is not trying to scare anyone, of course the majority of births go smoothly, but I really dislike this 'I am so positive and have done my yoga so well that I am going to have a better birth than all these stupid people' attitude. Not to OP btw.