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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 13/08/2022 19:04

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:00

I'm guessing you're part of a couple that does everything together then Grin

It DOES impact other people actually, like the couple who brought along their 3 children to the reception info evening, all 3 were making noise throughout making it difficult for other parents to hear. But neither parent would take them out because of course both of them absolutely had to hear everything that was being said, it was totally impossible for just one of them to be there and take notes or pass on info to the other parent. That's what I did and I'm not even in a relationship with my children's dad anymore.

Show quote history

but that's not about a couple who like to do things together, that's a couple with poor parenting skills. late DH and I used to enjoy spending time together (not everything but quite a lot) we did it because it made both of us happy

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 19:04

Katesboy8 · 13/08/2022 18:57

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

Show quote history

What a nasty comment. Yes, actually it is annoying to both of us when we have made arrangements and gone separately to our kids parents evening of a 13, 14, etc years old and others bring their little ones who cry, fuss, make lots of noise (usually past their tea/bed time). Luckily, we both trust each others abilities to hear, comprehend and relay the relevant information 🤨

BeanieTeen · 13/08/2022 19:05

But if it's a girls' night out lesbian partners are allowed. How is that OK, but not male partners?

Surely you’ve answered your own question there @Gwenhwyfar ? I think the big clue is in the phrase ‘girl’s night out’…

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 19:05

I suppose the key point is are these people who have to always be together happy.

I can’t imagine it and it would work for a lot of couples I know.

for example so you decide not to be on a board of governors or a charity because you can’t take your husband? Do you decide not to go to a conference or a work dinner because your wife isn’t invited? Do you lose touch with friends because you refuse to see them without the other half.

like some on mumsnet do you throw an almighty strip because only on member of the couple has been invited to the wedding of a work colleague?

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:07

@BeanieTeen

haha yes exactly GIRLS night out. Lesbians more than welcome…… 😂 Perhaps we need to be more specific.

Its rather fucking annoying when you’re on a girls night out and someone brings someone along with a penis. Right, hope that’s cleared that up.

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:07

It seems trendy to hate school runs, parties, supermarket trips, everything is such a chore

Haha this. The same people who go on about hating parenting. Obviously way too cool to be doing any of that. Some of us bores enjoy surprising our kids at the gate and making daily drudgery a bit less draining.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:07

So it's nasty to suggest it's jealousy

But fine to suggest couples who hang together are

Controlled
Suffering domestic violence
Cringy
Lack independence
Are lower class

ApplesandBunions · 13/08/2022 19:07

I thought the point about nights out was people turning up uninvited?

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:08

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

OP posts:
BoredOnSaturday · 13/08/2022 19:08

StAgur · 13/08/2022 18:56

I know what you mean OP.

I realise that this may be controversial, but my experience is that the partners who don't or can't do things apart are usually from low socio-economic/educational backgrounds.

What baffled me was all of the women who were accompanied to their ante-natal appointments, not just the scans, which are obviously special, but all of them. Don't these people have jobs to go to? Don't t they have the confidence or self esteem or intellectual curiosity to do anything different from their partners?

Surely, time apart means there is more to talk about, rather than morphing into each other and just becoming one boring entity. As long as they are happy bores though, as previous posters have said, it's really nobody else's business.They are just not people you would want to 'hang out' with, but then they probably don't want to hang out with anyone else, anyway.

What happens if one of them dies or cheats or leaves? What resources do they have to cope?

Ha! I felt simultaneously and bewildered there. How on earth is it possible to go from shared ante-natal appointments to this 😂, I can only conclude that it's a wind-up! My dh went to all the appointments he could. We are good thanks! Happy bores.... Nice one!

Wetblanket78 · 13/08/2022 19:08

But if only the dad drive's most men hate shopping so obviously don't want to wait in the car. Or the kids might want to pick some clothes out. Whatever scenario it's nobody else's buisness.

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:09

@cadburyegg

But do you know any couples who do this? Or are you just cherry picking activities and joining them all together? I know a LOT of couples and not one fits that description whereby one of them can’t do anything by themselves.

tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 19:10

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:07

So it's nasty to suggest it's jealousy

But fine to suggest couples who hang together are

Controlled
Suffering domestic violence
Cringy
Lack independence
Are lower class

This.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:10

ApplesandBunions · 13/08/2022 19:07

I thought the point about nights out was people turning up uninvited?

Yep

I don't take my boyfriend along when it's just the core friends
I do when a few more are coming with partners or it's a party.

It's usually clear if it's just the friends or more of a group outing.

DoubleShotEspresso · 13/08/2022 19:11

It's all down to personal choice surely?
Though the things you've listed wouldn't even occur to me as being anything other than their own business.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.

DancingBeanstalk · 13/08/2022 19:12

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:08

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

You’re not understanding (perhaps deliberately?), but that’s okay.

It’s not about not being able to but about not wanting to.

Of course I could do the weekly shop on my own, but I don’t want to. I could do X, Y or Z but I don’t want to.

Like I said, you haven’t had that connection, so of course you don’t get it.

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:12

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:07

So it's nasty to suggest it's jealousy

But fine to suggest couples who hang together are

Controlled
Suffering domestic violence
Cringy
Lack independence
Are lower class

This. Also what @Dalaidramailama said. Nobody does all of these things, maybe a few each.

BungleandGeorge · 13/08/2022 19:13

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:03

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

I think this is a good example of how the "you're jealous" comment is used to try to shut a conversation down that you're not comfortable with.

I couldn’t be less jealous of that type of set up! And feel the same when in relationships. This type of thing is also not a predictor of how ‘close’ or stable a couple are as many later find themselves single..
if you want to spend lots of time as a couple fine. But if you refuse to do anything alone, are unable to travel without partner, unable to go anywhere if your partner is ill or needs to stay home and babysit, inconvenience aleveryone with your noisy children at an adult event because you can’t be parted it’s a problem.

Musttryharder2021 · 13/08/2022 19:14

Most couples need each other to financially facilitate the lifestyles they otherwise wouldn't have.

nokidshere · 13/08/2022 19:14

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

That is very few people though. No one I know is like your description. Sounds like you need new friends.

What other people do in their relationship is really nothing to do with anyone else unless someone is in danger.

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 19:14

To me it depends on the degree. I have a cousin who not only works, but does blooming EVERYTHING with her DP. Ever since they got together 5 years ago. Every single time I talk to her, he is by her side!!! I'll say "give him my regards" and she'll laugh and say"oh, he's sitting right next to me". I'll be visiting, she'll make sure they are both off work or have same shifts. She's cooking and he's standing right next to her, just constantly there. Will be watching TV - something that he likes. Will be talking quietly (same room) and he'll get annoyed that she's not paying attention to what's on but she won't come away to chat. I'll suggest we go to a shop, she'll say "oh, he'll love it"?!? And, lo and behold, he does! The only time in the last 5 years I saw her alone was when her dad, my DU passed away and we went home for the funeral together! Her DP couldn't get the time off work just that once. I get doing stuff together but this is just too much!

Simplelobsterhat · 13/08/2022 19:15

I know what you mean OP. Of course there is nothing wrong with spending time together, but it does surprise me how much you see some couples joined at the hip.

I do think it's rude when it means bringing the kids to something not designed for them e.g your example of a presentation where you need to sit quietly and unnecessary kids bring there stopped other people hearing - fair enough if you have no childcare but rude if one of you could stay home with them. Same if it means you taking uninvited siblings to a party. And very rude if gatecrashing a girls night out or one to one catch up. I also feel sorry for siblings sometimes when they are stuck bored at an event or activity when one parent could have done something different with them (I don't mean the big concerts etc that obviously both parents want to attend, but things like regular weekly clubs/ practice sessions being watched by both).

My dh works on Saturdays and usually bank holidays and it does make me a bit sad that some people never want to meet up with kids then as it's family time. What do people find to do together every single weekend all weekend?

I know some couple probably do just like it this way and really love spending every second together, and actually I probably am a bit jealous of them, but in other cases I do wonder if one is a bit controlling / easily jealous.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:16

Simplelobsterhat · 13/08/2022 19:15

I know what you mean OP. Of course there is nothing wrong with spending time together, but it does surprise me how much you see some couples joined at the hip.

I do think it's rude when it means bringing the kids to something not designed for them e.g your example of a presentation where you need to sit quietly and unnecessary kids bring there stopped other people hearing - fair enough if you have no childcare but rude if one of you could stay home with them. Same if it means you taking uninvited siblings to a party. And very rude if gatecrashing a girls night out or one to one catch up. I also feel sorry for siblings sometimes when they are stuck bored at an event or activity when one parent could have done something different with them (I don't mean the big concerts etc that obviously both parents want to attend, but things like regular weekly clubs/ practice sessions being watched by both).

My dh works on Saturdays and usually bank holidays and it does make me a bit sad that some people never want to meet up with kids then as it's family time. What do people find to do together every single weekend all weekend?

I know some couple probably do just like it this way and really love spending every second together, and actually I probably am a bit jealous of them, but in other cases I do wonder if one is a bit controlling / easily jealous.

Thank you for understanding my point Smile

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 13/08/2022 19:16

yonce · 13/08/2022 16:55

All of the things you've described sound really normal to me, both parents want to see their child have fun at a party, both parents want to collect child from school, both parents taking an interest in their child's schooling which is good, the weekend can be family time and if someone wants to prioritise that it shouldn't really be an issue etc etc

The only one I would think is odd, is a partner turning up part way through a pre arranged lunch with a friend, that would seem strange that they hadn't mentioned it.

I don't think it's that people can't do anything on their own, it's probably that they don't want to or have to, and quite enjoy doing things together.

This.

We often used to go to parties together if we were both free and if we had been together for the day we would both collect the kids from school. We’re both busy and manage to do plenty of things separately but we make the most of the occasions when we are free to spend time together.

Dh would never turn up when I was out with friends though, that’s pretty odd.

SummerNightsDriftingAway · 13/08/2022 19:16

middleager · 13/08/2022 17:51

MiL and FIL are like this. She doesn't drive either, so they go everywhere together. Even the dentist and GP.
They say: "We like" rather than "I like" or "we think" etc. Very odd.

I think we have the same PIL. Even to the MIL not driving and the saying "we like" etc. I just find it a bit sad as they don't seem to have an identity as two separate people