To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

@cadburyegg I had a dick of an ex husband.

I was on my own for 20 years bar a few dalliances (Fwb/fuck buddies).

I waited til my kids were adults to get back into dating.

Had a few horrors and then met DP through work (we were at an event).

He asked me out. And all I can say is that we fit. We care companionable. He makes me laugh. The sex is great and he's my best friend.

I actively want to spend time with him. We don't live together and both of us can't wait for that.

Bumbling round the supermarket together is great. Walking the dogs (we have one each).

I didn't get it before I met him. I couldn't understand how you would actively want to be with someone all the time. But I do with him. We have been together 3 years and we have rarely had a cross word. I'm not going to say never because that would be a lie (I flooded his bathroom and shorted all his electrics. He was not very happy with that.)

But honestly. We do what suits us.

Why do other people care?

Interesting assumptions that people 'can't manage' to do certain things without the other partner. Although we both mostly did the school run together at primary we are capable of meeting our friends separately and the last 3 weekends my husband has been away helping both my grown up stepchildren with work on their houses. And the children and I coped. Such an odd thing to get invested in!

I always wondered about the people who's husbands or partners accompanied them to every ante natal appointment too. Honestly it seems like a major red flag to me. Why would you insist on going to someone else's medical appointments Confused obviously not counting circumstances where one person has a disability and it's easier if both go.

An antenatal appointment isn’t a smear test or a dentist appointment. I know a single mum who took her mum to many of her appointments, would you judge her too? It not your average medical condition - when you hear a heartbeat or they measure your bump, seeing baby’s progress, it’s something people like to share. Some people find pregnancy quite daunting and find having someone with them is calming and comforting. So what?

In my pregnancy notes booklet, where they record details of the appointments, has a column that says ‘accompanied by:’ so going with someone is definitely not out of the norm. So far all the rows in mine have been filled out as ‘alone’ 😄 DH has missed all of mine because of work so far. But yeah, if he had nothing else to do I would have asked him to come along. Why would that be weird?

I think the problem with this thread is that you haven't actually presented any of this in the context of not being able to do these things alone. It very much reads like you just view the fact that people do these things together as evidence that they couldn't do it by themselves.

DH and I mostly work from home.

We 75% of the time meet the Dcs at the school gate together. When the Dcs are invited to parties (tbh quite rare because one of ours has serious SEN and essentially no friends that are not online gaming friends) we will go together because it is a joy to enjoy something social with them. And we like chatting to other parents.

I like DH., i like spending time with him. We all like spending time together as a family. Is that wierd? If so then I pity people who think they are way too cool to spend their time out of choice with their partner.

The OP could be summed up in one phrase "i have no empathy".

I have read a lot of aggressive nonsense over non-issues, but this is one of the worst.

We are tight family. I never knew of all the things i could be judged on, this would be one. (Other things i considered fair game: my hair, conversation topics, political opinions). But not the fact that I like my family's company. (Also dd is only child, does one person have to stay at home watching Netflix so as not to annoy certain people?).

Anyway, we way worse - we have dog that turns up to most things too!

I agree OP. I find it really bloody strange.

It's clearly some kind of codependency, I would find it absolutely suffocating.

It wouldn't suit me ... married over 30 years but DH and I rarely do anything together ... separate friends, separate social lives and hobbies, separate holidays and separate bedrooms - but it works for us .

I do think some couples are overly co-dependent and I worry how they will cope when (inevitably) one is left alone. My DPs had pretty independent lives (not as much as mine!) and thankfully now that my mum is on her own after 60 years of marriage she still has loads of friends, interests etc and is not moping around.

I wish I liked my DP this much 😂

Totally agree! Do some things together, but lots apart - we are independent people, not joined at the hip. And it gives us things to talk about when we discuss our separate experiences, holidays etc.
I've never understood the need to go round the supermarket together - it only needs one person, while the other one can be doing something useful or interesting.
More importantly, one of us will die first and it would be truly awful for the survivor not to cope on their own because they were so conditioned into doing everything with their partner.

you worry about strange couples because they have a lifestyle you don't approve of?

Not true in my case. I've known some of my female friends' partners for 20 years. I'd rather those male partners turn up than new lesbian partners because it is somehow a women's night. I don't see why socialising should be segregated by sex.

Didn't read all the posts so commented on the last one. Completely agree that these comments are equally nasty. Just seems that a lot of people only see things in black and white

Why so defensive?

I love DH and have been married to him for 41 years. We do a lot together, but we don't do everything together. We would hate that. I don't want him at my pilates class or joining my friends at book club, and I have no interest in joining him in his regular weekly drink with a pal or watching rugby on TV.

I'm with @cadburyegg on this. I think for a long lasting relationship some time apart pursuing different interests is healthy.

I would feel stifled if I did everything with DH.

Dh and I do a lot together. Our eldest child has adhd and needs constant supervision when we're out. So we have to take a child each and our youngest is only one.

I would lose my shit if DH wanted to do everything with me. I would feel smothered. I know a couple like this, they literally cannot fart without the other present. Shop together, collect their kids from school together, he goes out with her friends, she goes out with his, doc apps together inc her fucking smear test because she kicked up a fuss because her vagina would not relax without him there), go pick up the takeaway together, they even put out the godforsaken bins together.

Sad Siamese Gimps.

I do almost everything with my DH but I agree there are some occassions that it is weird for a whole family to show up, like at a birthday party for example. When one of our DC has a party one parent takes them and the other parent does something with the other DC. Just makes sense.

Kids after school activities also. DS used to go to one a few years ago that seemed more like a family event. It was on about 7pm and at that point DD was a toddler so was going to bed around 7/7:30 so one of us would take DS and the other would stay home and put DD to bed. There was a family with a toddler the same age who would all go together and sit to watch the elder child do the activity, the toddler would get upset and they would say "aww he's tired it's passed his bedtime". I mean ffs there are two parents right here why can't one of you take the poor boy home? Why do both of you need to come and drag him out later than he wants to be? Another couple came and dragged their poor young teen who sat with a face like thunder all the way through and they would shout at him. Again there are two of you why drag the poor boy here when he doesn't want to be? Madness.

They're sad but you're here ranting about them on an online forum. That sounds intense but they sound happier than you.

I would have loved my (now divorced) parents to have done more of the things you listed.

That said, I value alone time too & my partner is so slow in the supermarket we rarely shop together & we each have our own weekly hobbies to attend.

My DH and I have to do everything together. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to fit all of our arguments into the day.😂

And here's you ranting about me ha ha. Hope you're happy Babe!

I agree with you OP on some things.

Couples that take the entire family to Tesco for example.

But family meals? That’s something for both of us. I love an evening with ‘the girls’ but we avoid going out at the weekend with friends as it is family time to us.

That sounds intense but they sound happier than you.

I don't get that impression at all.

Wow. How unhappy do you have to be to post this?

It’s clearly all about balance. My sister does FUCK all with her partner. Nothing, zilch, nada. People are gobsmacked when they find out she has a man lol 😂. They holiday separately too and when he’s not at home I’ll casually ask oh where’s *? And she genuinely has NO idea.