To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I have friends who are always with their husbands. Far more than I am with mine. However, mine works shifts and isn’t always free when I am. I’m pretty independent anyway so I happily do things on my own or meet friends (and he would never think to disturb us even if he was available).

Cannot get worked up over the list. Have done some and not others. When my husband got made redundant we did the school run together and it made the mundane seem a bit of a treat as the kids loved us both picking them up. Having said that that was out the norm for us. We always used to go shopping together too as I fucking hate it and refuse to let him off the hook there 😉. Plus I need some inspiration sometimes with what to cook.

I don't mind this unless it negatively affects me. I'm mid forties and I can only think of one time when I was negatively affected and that was more to do with the expectation of a couple being able to sit together (meaning I had to move) rather than just them being there. It's just something you have to accept with some couples.

On the rare occasions DH has a day off during the week we’ll both do the school run as it’s easier and the kids love it. We both try and do school meetings/parent’s evening as it’s important.

There’s no way we drag the kids food shopping with both of us, why would we do that!

I did see a family (who I vaguely know) doing the food shop with their kids, mum was with the toddler, Dad was with a double buggy and pulling a trolley and they all looked miserable. Couldn’t work out why on earth they were all doing it.

Bringing your OH on a planned lunch/evening with friends. Not ok. I had a friend who brought her DH on every girls evening out. Read the room.

Amen! I went to my best mates wedding last month by myself and had a rare time💃 if had took my hubby I'd of been taken home and sat down all night. We Love spending time together but also enjoy our space and as for going places with the kids together is getting a hard nope as we end up falling out 😂 I envy those who have nice family days away

We do stuff apart like socialising and of course work, but many of the things on your list like shopping, school pick ups, kids' parties we have done/will do together. These are things that are quite mundane, so it is more fun to do them together if time allows as at least then you can chat about other stuff whilst doing it.

I think we are very lucky because we both really enjoy spending time together after all these years. So unless there is a good reason not to, we would be happy to go to most things together.

For us weekends are family time, because the thing we like doing best is spending time as a family.

My DH and I do a lot together, especially related to our only DC, if it's possible for us both to be there, as we just both really want to be there and experience it for ourselves/as a family. Maybe it's because as we can't have anymore so we only get one time, though actually we had been attending most things together if we could before we found out we can't have more...
I don't want to sound smug, but just rrally we are 100% each other's other half and do most things together. Though, He does not show up at my girl's nights/events and Vice versa. Same for some other social events where only one of knows the crowd, like work stuff etc. We definitely also value our independent time.

"bringing boyfriend/hubby along to a pre-arranged girls nighgt out is strange - unless agreed in advance (enthusiastically)"

But if it's a girls' night out lesbian partners are allowed. How is that OK, but not male partners?
When I arrange to see old friends, I want to see my old friends, doesn't matter what sex they are.

I think we might be some of these dreadful people

DH has been my best mate since we were 18. We're pretty much always together, WFH, always attended parents' evenings together, if one of us has a medical appointment we'll generally go together and make a nice walk of it etc. It's just our set-up - we love each other's company, more than either of us likes anyone else's. It's not the case that we can't do anything separately, of course we can. He goes running with other people, I'd go to school stuff alone if he couldn't make it etc, I'd go for coffee with a friend without him. But our default is that we're together, and we're very happy with it. Couldn't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock whether you approve or not, tbh

Wha you said! But worded better with no typos like mine! 😂

I know what you mean OP.

I realise that this may be controversial, but my experience is that the partners who don't or can't do things apart are usually from low socio-economic/educational backgrounds.

What baffled me was all of the women who were accompanied to their ante-natal appointments, not just the scans, which are obviously special, but all of them. Don't these people have jobs to go to? Don't t they have the confidence or self esteem or intellectual curiosity to do anything different from their partners?

Surely, time apart means there is more to talk about, rather than morphing into each other and just becoming one boring entity. As long as they are happy bores though, as previous posters have said, it's really nobody else's business.They are just not people you would want to 'hang out' with, but then they probably don't want to hang out with anyone else, anyway.

What happens if one of them dies or cheats or leaves? What resources do they have to cope?

Totally agree OP. I remember years ago wondering why it took 2 parents to do a nursery drop off.

I couldn't breathe living like this, and I'm one who does enjoy spending time with my partner. We have mutual friends, whom we spend time with together, and also separate ones. Fair enough going to a parents' evening together, nothing particularly wrong or unusual about that, but the ones who are seemingly not 'allowed' to go out unchaperoned, or whose male other halves turn up at an exclusively women's evening out? Those types would last precisely five minutes with me before getting the boot on a permanent and very decisive basis.

A PP has already mentioned the ones who say 'WE think', as if two people have only one mind between them. There's a couple in my extended family who think if they fall out with someone then their partner gets ousted to Coventry alongside them, as though a spouse has no independent existence and must be guilty of any perceived slight by mere association.

And don't even get me started on 'WE'RE pregnant' ...

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

Honestly I used to have this opinion, my ExH was a general dick and I just preferred doing everything alone.

New partner now and we do everything together. Cook/walk the dog/shopping/school pick ups. He's just ace to be around and I always prefer him there than not.

Oh wow. This is one of the most snobbish, judgmental and up your own arse posts ever written.

How people operate in a couple is, of course, their choice.

I am in contact with older people much later in life and often those that lived their lives as "two peas in a pod" found it very difficult to cope with divorce or the death of the partner.

Those that had some interests/hobbies/friends separate to the relationship fared much better in terms of mental health.

DH and I do everything together because we love spending time with each other.

We’re a couple, a team, we chose to spend our lives together and we want to experience life together.

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

@StAgur I always wondered about the people who's husbands or partners accompanied them to every ante natal appointment too. Honestly it seems like a major red flag to me. Why would you insist on going to someone else's medical appointments obviously not counting circumstances where one person has a disability and it's easier if both go.

It’s fucking annoying. I’m part of a group of friends who have known each other 20 years, and for the last 8 or so it’s the group of women…and one husband. They work at home together all day, they do the same hobby activities, they have no separate interests or social activities. It sucks because it changes the dynamic and I can’t relax when he’s there. It’s fine to enjoy doing stuff together - obviously I like hanging out with my husband! - but it’s healthy to nurture relationships that function outside your marriage.

Honestly, this one I can understand. But mostly because the vibe was always off. The couple wouldn't be chatting happily, he'd be escorting the woman.

It doesn't 'take two' but DD loves it and we enjoy picking her up so what's the problem? Why is it so hard for people to understand that some people actually LIKE picking their child up or taking them to nursery/school and it's some time to spend together on days when you don't see each other much? It seems trendy to hate school runs, parties, supermarket trips, everything is such a chore (and for all the 'one of us does it' claims, we all know that in the vast majority of cases it means the woman does it. Oh I know posters will say 'No my husband does an equal share!' and in some cases that's true but we know full well that's not often the case.) But some of us enjoy that stuff and don't think it's a chore or an unpleasant thing to be endured 🤷‍♀️

Luckily plenty of other parents do double pick-ups and drop-offs at our nursery so we aren't the weird ones

@PollyRockets

I see plenty of women hanging out in the mens undies

Possibly but in general women don't have fantasies about men's boxers or pants. Men seem to like looking at women's pants 😉

I haven't personally seen women hanging about. I think generally men just grab a pair quickly.

I just don't really like it myself & wish they would go wait on a sofa somewhere.

Here’s the thing, you can judge all you like but you’ll simply have NO idea if the couple have a codependent relationship or they just generally like spending time together doing things because they love each other. Either or it’s not something to really get too worked up about.

Balance is key for me I do have a couple of friends who bring their men out on nights out now that really fucking riles me as I came out for a girls night …. Yes I know I’m on the wrong size of 30 but still 🤦‍♀️ I still call it a girls night.

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

I think this is a good example of how the "you're jealous" comment is used to try to shut a conversation down that you're not comfortable with.